It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Season Opener

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Season Opener

Written By – Holly Hester
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Valerie – Lindsey Sloan
Mr. Kraft – Martin Mull
Doris – Carol Ann Susi
Dashiell – Donald Adeosun Faison
Yuri – Rick Cramer
Sherman – Henry Cong

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman Living Room. Salem is sat in his favourite spot behind the settee reading as Sabrina and Harvey get back from their date.

Sabrina- No really, I did.

Harvey- Right! You’re just making excuses because you missed an easy shot.

Sabrina- I chose not to hit the golf-ball in the giant clowns mouth because I didn’t want to cause internal injuries.

Boy, Was My Face Red

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Boy, Was My Face Red

Written By – Carrie Honigblum & Renee Phillips
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Valerie – Lindsey Sloan
Libby – Jenna Liegh Green
Dr. Werner – Karen Witter
Justin Thumb – Corbin Allred
Gordie – Curtis Anderson
Student – Dublin James
Bartender – Rocco Vienhage
Frank – Roger Clinton
King Arthur – Robert Chapin
Thomas Jefferson – John Gowans

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda sits reading the paper, Zelda’s at the counter as Salem amuses himself with the lap-top computer. It’s a cat and mouse thing. Sabrina enters.

Salem- I’m so happy I could floss!

Sabrina- Not on the kitchen table.

Salem- You can say good-bye to this furry little pun.

Suspicious Minds

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Suspicious Minds

Written By – Dan Berendsen
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Libby – Jenna Liegh Green
Mr. Kraft – Martin Mull
Roland – Phil Fondacaro
Gordie – Curtis Andersen
Bogart – Billy West

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Ext. Spellman Porch. Zelda arrives home from her date with Mr. Kraft and he escorts her to the door.

Mr. Kraft- Well I had a wonderful time this evening.

Zelda- Me too.

The drapes at the side window rustle and two faces appear.

Mr. Kraft- He really is the lord of the dance, huh?

What Price Harvey?

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

What Price Harvey?

Written By – Frank Conniff
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Zsa Zsa Goowhiggie – Sheryl Lee Ralph
Boris Lermontov – William Dennis Hunt.
Trixie – Karen Lynn Scott
Flunky – Brian Smith
Prince Albert – Michael McClure

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina, Zelda and Salem are at breakfast when Hilda comes bouncing in singing to herself.

Sabrina- Wow! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so happy!

Salem- Me neither. Which is a really sad commentary on Hilda’s life.

The Pom Pom Incident

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

The Pom Pom Incident

Written By – Charlie Tercek
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Valerie – Lindsey Sloan
Libby – Jenna Liegh Green
Mortimer – Dom DeLuise
Catskills Comedian – Lee Allen Rutman
Martha Washington – Shannon Welles

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem sits on the back of the armchair with the VCR remote in his paws.

Salem- Calling all blondes! Calling – all – blondes!

All the blondes respond coming from the kitchen. Hilda holds her nose making like a radio.

Hilda- We read you. I note stat!

Salem- Notice anything different?

Pancake Madness

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Pancake Madness

Written By – Sheldon Bull
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Libby – Jenna Liegh Green
Mrs. Quick – Mary Gross
Mrs. Mapleton – Dale Raoul
Dr. Brickman – Carl Michael Lindner
Mountie – Brett Miller
Toothless Guy – Sam Menning

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman Upstairs Landing. Salem sits on the linen basket as Sabrina leads her aunts upstairs. Zelda holds a carton of popcorn.

Sabrina- I love going to the cinema in the Other Realm. You get to see next years blockbusters before they’re even made.

Zelda- Hm. Those poor mortal actors. They actually think they have free-will.

Sabrina leads the way into the linen-closet. Zelda follows and Hilda brings up the rear.. Until she walks nose first into an invisible wall.

Hilda- Aw! What is going on?

Good Will Haunting

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Good Will Haunting

Written By – Renee Phillips & Carrie Honigblum
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Valerie – Lindsey Sloan
Justin – Corbin Allred
Molly Dolly – Tara Charendoff
Aunt Beulah – Joanne Worley
The Guy Who Thinks He’s Gary Owens – Gary Owens
Bellevuedere – Alan Sues
Delilah – Ruth Buzzi
Dr. Egglehoffer – David Madden

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spooky haunted castle. Mist drifts through the candle-lit rooms. A pipe organ strikes up an eirie prelude causing a wolf to howl in the distance. A bat’s slumber is disturbed and it flutters red eyed passed a grinning stone gargoyle. A large leather chair is behind the desk with it’s back to us with a cobweb covered book lying on the desk. A scream of pure, soul wrenching agony emanates from the dark dungeons below. Lightning flashes lighting up the room and the chair slowly turns, revealing it’s occupant wearing a silk housecoat and cravat.

Salem- Good evening. It’s that time of year again children. Halloween! He-he-he-he. Mah-ha-ha-ha-ha. I’ll work on that. Ahem! Tonight’s terrifying episode of ‘Sabrina, The Teenage Witch’ May not be suitable for some parents. Nea-ha-ha. This would be a good time to put them to bed. I’ll wait….. Tum-de-dum-dum-dum …. Oh, Oh that was quick. So, you’re all alone without mummy or daddy? Well there’s been a jail-break! An escaped convict in your neighbourhood! Ooow! Who’s that behind you! Muaaaa! Muaaaa! Ha-ha-ha, made you look. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha…

Run opening credits.

You Bet Your Family

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

You Bet Your Family

Written By – Nick Bakay
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Libby – Jenna Liegh Green
Diamond Dave – Edward Albert
C.K. – Fred Stoller
Student – Angell Conwell
Young Kid – Keith Alexander
Showgirl – Melissa Park

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

1. Cold open

Fade in:

Int. Dining room-evening (D-1) Salem sits at the head of the table playing poker with four dogs. The air is smoky, reminiscent of cheesy velvet paintings. Each has a poker hand, poker chips and a beer.

Salem You pays your money you takes your chances (to Rusty) Rusty!

Rusty (A bulldog) Bite me! (beat) You’ve been lucky all night.

Salem That’s Lucky over there with the poker face. (to Lucky) Whadda ya got?

And The Sabrina Goes To…

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

And The Sabrina Goes To…

Written By – Frank Conniff
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Valerie – Lindsey Sloan
Mr. Kraft – Martin Mull
Mrs. Quick – Mary Gross
Emperor Larry – Joel Brooks
Olga – Suzanne Krull
Zampano – Larry Thomas
Gordie – Curtis Anderson
Dick Clark – Dick Clark
Mary Hart – Mary Hart
Student – Joel Michaely
Phantom Planet – Phantom Planet

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem sits in his favourite spot on the linen basket flanked by two garishly clad Harold’s. Bright red knickerbockers, tunics and white hose. They raise their horns to their lips and blow a loud fanfare. The noise draws Zelda and Sabrina from their rooms.

Sabrina- Wow! All this just because I finished my invention for school? You shouldn’t have. Even though I did spend three weeks working on it. Not to mention missing ‘The English Patient’ on HBO sixty-one times.

Salem- Cool your jets Edison, the horns don’t toot for you.

Zelda- This is for our cousin Larry.

Nobody Nose Libby Like Sabrina Knows Libby

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Nobody Nose Libby Like Sabrina Knows Libby

Written By- David Saling & Sheldon Krasner
Transcribed By- Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Libby – Jenna Liegh Green
Mr. Kraft – Martin Mull
Mrs. Quick – Mary Gross
Phil – Ahmed Stoner

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina and Salem are having breakfast as her aunts come down stairs loaded down with groceries from the Other Realm.

Zelda- I just love that new other realm grocery.

Hilda- Yeah, if there are more than three people in line they just clone the cashier.

Salem- What d’ya bring us?