Pilot
Blundt Friday
Terrible Things
The True Adventures Of Rudy Kazootie
Geek Like Me
A Halloween Story
Dream Date
Third Aunt From The Sun
Magic Joel
Sweet & Sour Victory
A Girl And Her Cat
Jenny’s Non-Dream
Trial By Fury
Sabrina Through The Looking Glass
Hilda And Zelda: The Teenage Years
Mars Attracts!
Sweet Charity
First Kiss
Meeting Dad’s Girlfriend
Cat Showdown
As Westbridge Turns
The Great Mistake
The Crucible
Troll Bride

Season 2

Sabrina Gets Her License (Part I)
Sabrina Gets Her License (Part II)
Dummy For Love
Dante’s Inferno
A Doll’s Story
Sabrina, The Teenage Boy
A River Of Candy Corn Runs Through It
Inna-Gadda-Sabrina
Witch Trash
To Tell A Mortal
Oh, What A Tangled Spell She Weaves
Sabrina Claus
Little Big Kraft
Five Easy Pieces Of Libby
Finger Lickin’ Flu
Sabrina And The Beanstalk
The Equalizer
The Band Episode
My Nightmare, The Car
Quiz Show
Fear Strikes Up A Conversation
Rumor Mill
When Teens Collide
Mom Vs. Magic
Disneyworld
Sabrina’s Choice

Season 3

It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Season Opener
Boy, Was My Face Red
Suspicious Minds
The Pom Pom Incident
Pancake Madness
Good Will Haunting
You Bet Your Family
And The Sabrina Goes To…
Nobody Nose Libby Like Sabrina Knows Libby
Christmas Amnesia
Sabrina And The Beast
Whose So-Called Life Is It Anyway?
What Price Harvey?
Sabrina And The Pirates
Mrs. Kraft
Sabrina, The Matchmaker
Sabrina, The Teenage Writer
Salem, The Boy
The Big Sleep
Long And Winding Shortcut
Sandman
Sabrina’s Pen Pal
Sabrina’s Real World
Silent Movie
The Good, The Bad & The Luau

Season 4

No Place Like Home
Dream A Little Dreama Me
Jealousy
Little Orphan Hilda
Spoiled Rotten
Episode LXXXI: The Phantom Menace
Prelude To A Kiss
Aging, Not So Gracefully
Love Means Having To Say You’re Sorry
Ice Station Sabrina
Salem And Juliette
Sabrina, Nipping At Your Nose
Now You See Her, Now You Don’t
Super Hero
Welcome Back, Duke
Salem’s Daughter
Love In Bloom
Dreama, The Mouse
The Wild, Wild Witch
She’s Baaack!
The Four Faces Of Sabrina
The End Of An Era

Season 5

Every Witch Way But Loose
Double Time
Heart Of The Matter
You Can’t Twin
House Of Pi’s
The Halloween Scene
Welcome Traveler
Some Of My Best Friends Are Half-Mortal
Lost At ‘C’
Sabrina’s Perfect Christmas
My Best Shot
Tick-Tock Hilda’s Clock
Sabrina’s New Roommate
Making The Grade
Love Is A Many Complicated Thing
Sabrina, The Muse
Beach Blanket Bizarro
Witchright Hall
Sabrina, The Activist
Do You See What I See?
Sabrina’s Got Spirit
Finally!

Season 6

Really Big Season Opener
Sabrina’s Date With Destiny
What’s News
Humble Pie
Murder On The Halloween Express
The Gift Of Gab
Thin Ice
Hex, Lies And No Videotape
A Birthday Witch
Deliver Us From E-Mail
Cloud Ten
Sabrina And The Candidate
I Think I Love You
The Arrangement
Time After Time
Sabrina And The Kiss
The Competition
Driving Mr. Goodman
I, Busybody
Guilty!
The Whole Ball Of Wax
I Fall To Pieces

Season 7

Total Sabrina Live!
The Big Head
Call Me Crazy
Shift Happens
Free Sabrina
Sabrina Unplugged
Witch Way Out
Bada-Ping!
It’s A Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot Christmas
The Lyin’ The Witch And The Wardrobe
Ping Ping A Song
In Sabrina We Trust
Sabrina In Wonderland
Present Perfect
Cirque Du Sabrina
Getting To Nose You
Romance Looming
Spellmanian Slip
You Slay Me
A Fish Tale
What A Witch Wants
Soul Mates

If I’d only had one more day…

I hope all the transcripts aren’t lost forever. If you happen to still have backups stored away, I hope we can post them here. You did such a great job transcribing them all in the first place!

I tried emailing you, but your old email bounced. Well, I hope you might come across this…

Hoping,

Ashton

UPDATE: Paul left a reply…

Paul Booth Says:
December 31, 2008 at 6:47 pm edit

Hi, I’ve finally stumbled across your blog… Nearly a year later

I do still have all the transcripts on my PC, but you might wanna try here first.

http://web.archive.org/web/20070706042508/http://www.bccnet.force9.co.uk/transcripts/

They’ve archived the whole site. Very handy little (huge) site.

Gotta Go
Paul

I’m so glad all Paul’s transcripts weren’t lost! I’ll store them here for safe-keeping also. I’m also planning to add some I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched episodes here that I transcribe from time to time…

Later, Ashton

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Pilot

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Shortly after midnight, Sabrina’s sixteenth birthday has just started bringing with it a very special inheritance. She is fast asleep dreaming teenage dreams as ever so slowly she begins rise up to float three feet above her bed. Sabrina sleeps on unaware. There’s the sound of footsteps on stairs and a whispering voice.

Zelda- (OS) Just let me check. Her sixteenth birthday started five minutes ago.

The bedroom door opens and Sabrina’s two aunts enter.

Zelda- (Cont.) Oh look Hilda, she’s levitating right on schedule.

Hilda- Let’s wake her up and tell her she’s a witch.

Zelda- No. Let her sleep. She starts her new school tomorrow, besides the first levitation is so special.

Hilda- Yeah, but then it gets old real quick.

Zelda- I can’t believe our little niece is growing up. Wait till Sabrina finds out what new doors this will open for her.

Hilda- Wait till she finds out you still get zits when you’re six hundred years old.

Zelda- Well we’d better go before she wakes up.

They start to leave but Zelda finds it hard to draw her eyes away from her sleeping niece.

Zelda- (Cont.) So sweet, so innocent, just the perfect little witch.

Hilda takes her Sister by the arm and drags her from the room, closing the door quietly behind them. Sabrina sleeps on.

Run opening credits

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s behind the breakfast counter, Hilda’s sat at the table eating breakfast as Sabrina comes down the stairs with her school bag and holding her pet cat Salem in her arms.

Sabrina- Morning.

Zelda- Good morning. Happy birthday Sabrina.

Hilda- And many more to come.

Zelda- Many, many more to come. I ah, got you a little something.

She picks up a wrapped box and brings it over to the table.

Hilda- Actually that’s from both of us. I just forgot to sign the card.

Zelda hands the birthday present to Sabrina.

Zelda- I hope you don’t already have one.

Sabrina opens up the box excitedly and pulls out what’s within.

Sabrina- A black pot? Actually I don’t. Thanks.

Zelda- It’s a cauldron.

Sabrina- Wow, even better. I can um put my pens in it.

Zelda- That’s not what it’s for. Sabrina, we have something to tell you. You see there are two realms, the natural and the supernatural and it turns out the immutable laws of physics…

Hilda- (Interrupting) You’re a witch.

Sabrina- What do you mean, I’m a witch?

Hilda- You’re a witch.

Zelda- Now you’re not alone. I’m a witch, Hilda’s a witch, your father’s a witch.

Sabrina- And I suppose my mom’s a witch too.

Hilda- I always thought so.

Zelda- Actually your mom’s mortal. You see that’s why you’re here, so that we can teach you to use your magic.

Sabrina clearly doesn’t believe a word of it.

Sabrina- You know for a second there you almost made me forget about my first day at school. Thanks…

She picks up her school bag and takes her coat from the hook.

Sabrina- (Cont.) …but now I’ve got to go and catch a bus to take me to my doom.

Zelda- Bye bye. Have fun.

Hilda- And don’t make too many hand gestures.

She leaves by the back door and Salem slips out with her and sits himself on the sunny spot on the wall. He meows and purrs as Sabrina strokes him in that special spot under his chin.

Sabrina- (To Salem) My aunts try hard, but you have to admit they’re pretty weird.

Sabrina walks off to catch her bus, Salem sits and watches her go.

Salem- (Under his breath) You have no idea.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. The school bell rings as Sabrina wanders along hallways thronged with students, feeling completely lost and alienated. She’s looking for the biology class for her first lesson at her new school. Everyone around her either talks with their friends or moves purposely towards the various class rooms. Sabrina knows no one and it’s all strange making her feel lonely and slightly afraid. She finds what she thinks is the right class and looks in. The class hasn’t begun yet and she sees a boy through the glass of the door talking with a bud. He’s a dish and she stands for a second watching him. He turns and notices her, his face splitting into a friendly grin. Sabrina can’t help but smile back as the door opens and hits the boy in the face knocking him back. The biology teacher sticks his head out into the hallway.

Mr. Pool- Summer’s over. Come on in.

Int. Biology class. Sabrina sits alone at a bench as the teacher writes his name on the board.

Mr. Pool- I’m Mr. Pool.

He clears his throat to get the classes full attention.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) And I know you were hoping I was going to spend the day mispronouncing your names but instead lets jump straight into biology huh?

He walks over to a chart he had set up earlier.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) The frog is a cold blooded vertebrate. As we dissect this amphibian we’ll be looking for…

Sabrina glances round to find the boy she had seen earlier was sat in front of her. He was craning his neck to get another look at her.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) The kidney, the heart and my lost youth. So if you’ll each choose up a lab partner.

He waits, no one moves.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Or I could pair you off by height.

That got them moving.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Thank you.

The boy sat in front of Sabrina turns in his seat to her.

Harvey- Hey, you want…

Libby- (Interrupting) Harvey! I’ll be your lab partner.

The pretty brunet smiles at Harvey who turns back to Sabrina and gives her an apologetic little smile before joining Libby at her bench. Sabrina puts her head in her hand embarrassed at how much she wanted him to partner her.

Later. A dead frog lies belly up in the dissection tray.

Jenny- Let’s name him Tad, Tad Pole.

Sabrina- Okay. Hey thanks for asking me to be your lab partner.

Jenny- I know what it’s like, I was the new kid last year.

Sabrina- So, can I ask you a question? Do you ever feel like you don’t fit in?

Jenny- Only all the time but I don’t want to fit in. I researched it and awkward people tend to be much more successful later in life. I look at… Libby, I see tragedy.

Mr. Pool- Oh look girls, you’ve-you’ve bored your frog to death.

He picks up the scalpel and hands it to Sabrina.

Mr. Pool- Well, slice and dice.

The teacher leaves.

Sabrina- Oh I hate doing this. If only there was some way I could bring these frogs back to life. I think his heart is somewhere around… here.

She points and a tiny sparkle passes unnoticed from her finger.

Tad Pole- Croak.

Sabrina- LOOK!

The frog flips over off it’s back and hops onto the bench

Sabrina- (Cont.) Tad’s alive! How’d that happen?

Jenny- Ha-ha! It’s Frankenfrog.

Tad jumps off the bench and Sabrina chases him round the floor.

Jenny- (Cont.)Hey, Mr. Pool. Ours is still kicking.

Sabrina catches the runaway frog and hands him to Jenny.

Mr. Pool- Oh, Mike from Cadaver Shack’s gonna hear from me.

Int. The girls bathroom. Libby, Jill and Cee Cee are touching up their hair and make up before the mirrors.

Libby- Can you believe how young the freshmen look?

Sabrina enters. They all turn round to her.

Libby- May we help you?

Sabrina- I just wanted to wash my hands. Y’know, frog juice.

Libby makes space and Sabrina washes her hands.

Libby- You know, if you stink I’m not sure it’s fair to blame the frog.

Jill and Cee Cee laugh.

Sabrina- Well at least I don’t splash on aftershave to remind me of some boy who dumped me last summer.

Libby- How’d you know that?

Sabrina wonders how she did know that.

Sabrina- I don’t know, my incredible sense of smell told me?

Libby- Huh! Yeah right.

Sabrina- Well, I’d better get going. Smell you later.

Libby- Wait! Don’t come in here again. From now on you use the freaks bathroom.

Libby and her giggling friends turn back to the mirrors, Sabrina’s already forgotten as Libby applies her lipstick. Sabrina pulls a face at their backs and copies Libby hand gestures before turning and leaving. Libby continues to apply her lipstick but suddenly loses all control of her hand. The lipstick is spread over her face as she looks on helplessly.

Int. Spellman dining room. It appears empty.

Sabrina- (OS) Hi, I’m home. Where is everyone?

She enters and Zelda and Hilda jump out of hiding.

Zelda and Hilda- (Together) Surprise!

The room is done out for a small gathering, a birthday cake has pride of place on the table and Salem is sat in a special kitty chair by the table.

Sabrina- Oh look a party, sort of. Oh look, you put Salem in a little party hat, that’s so cute.

They sit and Zelda places a large, old, leather bound book in front of Sabrina.

Zelda- Here is a present from your father.

Sabrina- An old book? A black pot? Doesn’t anyone shop at The Gap anymore?

She reads the cover.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘The Discovery of Magic’ Why’d he give me this?

There’s a red silk bookmark and Sabrina uses it to open the book. The page it marks contains a picture of a bearded man in a top hat, it has the name Edward beneath it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) That’s why! This old magician looks just like my dad.

The picture turns to look at her.

Edward- Surprise!

And it is. Sabrina gives a little start.

Edward- (Cont.) It is your dad. Happy birthday Sabrina.

Sabrina- Wow! Hallmark has gone really high tech. Can he say anything else?

Edward- I’m not a hologram honey, I’m just in a different realm.

Sabrina- A different realm? I thought you were at the Toronto Midway Motor Lodge.

Edward- Zelda! Hilda! Didn’t you explain to her she’s a witch?

Hilda- She doesn’t believe us.

Sabrina- Not this again.

She closes the book.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look, I know you went to a lot of trouble to set this joke up so ha-ha-ha. Now it’s over.

Hilda- No. It’s just beginning. You are a witch.

Zelda- With real magical powers and now that your sixteen you can use them. And you wanted something from The Gap.

Sabrina- So what are you saying, that I’m not who I think I am? You’re not who I think you are? And my father lives in a book?

Hilda- Oh finally she gets it.

Sabrina- This is insane. I’m going to my room.

She gets up and heads for the door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Come on Salem.

Salem- Can you wait till I’ve finished my milk?

Sabrina stops in her tracks, turns, walks back and looks down at her pet cat, then up at her aunts.

Sabrina- Did the cat just talk?

Salem- Yes, and get this stupid hat of my head.

Sabrina- Oh my God!

She runs for it.

Zelda- I think we’d better let her father handle this. Ted?

The book levitates of the table and goes after Sabrina.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters and senses a presence behind her. She slowly turns to see the book floating in mid air behind her. She screams, the book screams, or rather Edward screams inside the book, then she runs and grabs it and tosses it down on her desk and backs away.

Edward- Sabrina, open me up!

His voices is muffled by the many pages in the book.

Sabrina- No!

Edward- We have to talk young lady, open me up this instant!

Sabrina- No! I don’t want to talk to a book. Oh God, I’m talking to a book.

But she does need to talk to someone. She walks over and opens the book.

Sabrina- I can’t be a witch. Witches don’t exist.

Edward- (A lot clearer) Honey, I know this is hard but you just have to accept it. You’re not like other kids, you’re special.

Sabrina- I don’t wanna be special, I wanna be normal.

Edward- I understand, but that ship has sailed.

Sabrina- None of this makes sense. I mean all these years I thought you were travelling with the Foreign Service.

Edward- I am. It’s just a lot more foreign than you thought.

Sabrina- And mom? Has she really been digging for fossils in Peru?

Edward- Yes she is.

Sabrina- Then I wanna go live with her.

Edward- You can’t. You see there’s a rule. If you set eyes on your mother in the next two years she’ll turn into a ball of wax.

Sabrina- What!

Edward- It’s the way they discourage mortal-witch marriages.

Sabrina- So is that the reason you and mom got divorced?

Edward- No.

Sabrina- So d’ya think maybe you could get back together?

Edward- No. That’s another ship that’s sailed. You’re going to be fine. Just take some time and think about all this and if you ever need me, I’m in the index.

Int. Spellman dining room. Salem’s into his second piece of cake, Hilda and Zelda amuse themselves with a game of draw poker.

Hilda- I call. Five aces.

Zelda- You cheat!

Hilda- Do not.

Zelda- Do too!

Sabrina enters.

Hilda- Do not!

Sabrina- Okay. I’ve talked to my dad and I’ve thought about it and I guess I believe I’m a witch.

Hilda- Good, ’cause you are.

Zelda- Okay. You know what? Let’s try some magic. Sabrina, you stand right there, Hilda you stay there.

She tosses an orange to Hilda who places it on the table.

Zelda- (Cont.) Alright, let’s start with the basics. Orange into apple. Now you concentrate and point. Come on, try it.

Sabrina tries it, concentrating hard on the orange as she points at it, thinking apple. At first nothing happens then suddenly the orange transforms into a… pineapple.

Zelda- Apple, pineapple. That’s very close.

Hilda- (Laughing) No it’s not.

Zelda- Let’s try again.

She tosses Hilda a lemon, Hilda places it on the table beside the pineapple.

Int. Spellman dining room. Later. Pineapples, pineapples everywhere and Hilda’s making herself a drink… of fresh pineapple juice.

Sabrina- I’m not very good at this. You told me the twenty-third time was the charm.

Zelda- You’ll learn to control your magic. Or at the very least, you’ll always be able to garnish a ham steak.

Sabrina- One more try.

She runs round the table and points at Salem.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Salem into apple.

Salem- I think that’s enough for one night.

Hilda- The cat’s right, wrap it up. You’ve got school tomorrow.

Sabrina- I’m a witch and I still have to go to school?

Zelda- Hm-hm.

Sabrina- Unfair. Hey, maybe I’ll turn Mr. Pool into…

Hilda- (Interrupting and pointing) Now! Now! Be careful pointing your finger at people, it could be dangerous.

Sabrina- You’re pointing at me.

Hilda- I have the safety on.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Next morning. Sabrina is asleep and levitating over her bed. The alarm clock goes off waking her. She rolls over to turn it off and realises she’s three feet too high and immediately drops to the bed.

Sabrina- Aw!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are having pineapple for breakfast. Sabrina comes down and makes for the fridge for some OJ.

Zelda- Morning.

Sabrina- Morning.

Hilda- Pineapple?

Zelda- You’re going to be late.

Sabrina- So? I’m a witch. Can’t I just turn back time?

Hilda- U-uh! No, a witch can’t change time. That’s one of the rules.

Sabrina- You’re kidding?

Hilda- No.

Sabrina- Gotta go!

She runs out to catch the bus.

Hilda- (Calling after) You also can’t get rid of cellulite.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina walks to class as Jenny catches up with her.

Jenny- Hey, I got a joke. Knock knock.

Sabrina- Who’s there?

Jenny- Brad.

Sabrina- Brad who?

Jenny- Brad Pitt. Is there any other Brad worth mentioning?

They walk on together.

Int. History class. The students file out.

Mr.s Hecht- Thank you for coming. Did you enjoy that pop quiz?

Sabrina and Jenny walk out into the hallway.

Jenny- I am so bad at history.

Sabrina- Me too. I mean how are we supposed to remember things that happened so long ago?

There’s a call of ‘Heads up!’ behind them and they turn just in time for a football to hit Sabrina squarely on the forehead.

Jenny- Watch it with the football! (To Sabrina) Are you okay?

Libby- Try to live in this world, not just your own, freak.

Sabrina has the strong feeling that Libby doesn’t like her.

Int. School Cafeteria. Sabrina and Jenny are sat together eating lunch when someone clears their throat. Sabrina looks up to see that it’s the boy from Biology, What’s his name? Harvey?

Harvey- Can I sit here?

Sabrina- Sure.

Harvey- How’s your head?

Sabrina- Um, it kinda hurts.

Harvey- Sorry, y’know I didn’t mean to hit you with the football.

Sabrina- Oh, that was you?

Harvey nods yes.

Sabrina- You have a really good arm.

Harvey- Thanks.

Sabrina- Oh, do you know Jenny?

Harvey- You live in the house with the funny mailbox right?

Jenny- It’s not our fault. The people who lived there before us were actually named Mr. and Mrs. Hog.

Harvey- No, it’s cute. My mailbox is boring, it’s really just a place to put letters.

Sabrina- Mine too!

Libby walks by behind Sabrina with her tray.

Libby- Hi Harvey. I’m having a party Saturday night, you’ll be there right?

Harvey- Sure, I’m not doing anything else.

Sabrina turns to look up at Libby.

Libby- Perfect. Everyone cools coming.

She looks down deliberately at Sabrina.

Libby- (Cont.) Well that’s all.

She then tilts her tray slightly and gives the cup of soda a little nudge with her thumb knocking it over. It tips all down Sabrina’s blouse. Sabrina is stunned speechless for a moment.

Libby- (Cont.) Oh-no. Smell you later.

She turns and walks away.

Sabrina- You did that on purpose!

Libby just looks back smiling,

Libby- Prove it.

Sabrina jumps up angry

Sabrina- Don’t walk away! I mean it, I’ve not done talking with you!

She raises her finger for emphasis and the newly manifested power within her begins to bubble up, her strong emotion lending it strength. Suddenly the whole cafeteria begins to shake, a strong wind comes up from nowhere and swirls around the room, picking up trays and other loose items. Thunder crashes and lightning flashes as the unleashed magical power builds to it’s climax.

Student- TWISTER! EVERYBODY HIT THE DECK!

Students dive for cover under the tables, only Sabrina and Libby are left standing, Libby apparently frozen to the spot. Sabrina’s finger crackles with pent up energy that’s suddenly released in a stream of sparkling light. The raging storm around them subsides as quickly as it started and students begin to come out from under cover. Sabrina still stands in the centre of the mayhem.

Jenny- Where did Libby go?

Sabrina- (Shrugging) I have no idea.

Then she runs and picks up a pineapple from the floor and dashes from the cafeteria.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s reading a brochure as Hilda brings over a pineapple upside down cake to put with the three that are already there.

Zelda- Oh goodie, there’s a lecture at MIT on the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. (Reading) ‘It’s either at eight or at ten.’

Sabrina comes in upset and carrying a pineapple.

Sabrina- I hate being a witch! I’ve just turned the most popular girl in school into a pineapple.

Hilda- Why?

Sabrina- Because it’s the only thing you taught me how to do.

Hilda- Chill, I can fix this.

She takes the pineapple from Sabrina and takes it over to the chopping board. Then picking up the knife.

Hilda- (Cont.) Chunks or rings?

Zelda- Hilda! There are other ways.

Hilda- Wedges?

Zelda- Sabrina doesn’t know how to seal her spells yet, so…

Hilda puts down the knife and stands back.

Zelda- (Cont.) The popular girl is not a fruit.

As the brief incantation is completed the pineapple on the chopping board morphs back into Libby who sits up looking around, confused.

Zelda- (Cont.) There, all better.

Libby- What am I doing in your house?

Sabrina- You came over for a visit.

Libby- I would not. You did something to me, you sent me somewhere. It was small and it smelled like Hawaii.

Sabrina- Look Libby, I’m sorry I didn’t…

Libby- (Interrupting) Oh not as sorry as you will be. You’re an even bigger freak than I thought and the whole school’s going to know about it.

She turns and leaves.

Hilda- See? My way, she’d be on a tooth-pick.

Sabrina- It’s over! My life is over! I mean it’s not just over, it’s over, over!

Zelda- Oh stop, Libby can’t hurt you. She’s just one person with a crazy story.

Sabrina- She’s a cheerleader, nobody has more credibility. I mean the only way to make this better is to turn back time and you said a witch can’t do that.

Zelda- A witch can’t but collectively we do have powers that a single witch doesn’t. It’s a union thing.

Sabrina- So it’s possible?

Zelda- You can appeal to the Witches Council but they only grant time reversal in extreme cases.

Hilda- Like for two months a bunny ruled all of England.

Sabrina- When?

Hilda- See?

Sabrina- Well how do I get to this Witches Council?

Zelda- It’s ten million light-years away,

Sabrina’s hopeful expression fades.

Zelda- (Cont.) But there’s a short cut through our linen closet.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes up the stairs with her aunts.

Zelda- Now the head of the council is named Drell. He’s a mean, pigheaded, power mad despot.

Hilda- We used to date. I haven’t seen him in centuries.

Zelda- Not since he left her at the alter. Daddy lost a huge deposit on the Parthenon.

Hilda- Would you let that go? It’s ancient history.

Zelda- I knew the trouble you were getting…

Hilda- I didn’t even want that big wedding with the long…

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Excuse me! I’m trying to turn back time here. Can we go?

Sabrina opens the linen closet door.

Hilda- Oh-no! I couldn’t. I swore I would never talk to Drell again as long as he lived.

Zelda- Besides, the Council will respect you more if you go alone. Now make a left at the towels and follow the signs.

Sabrina sets off into the closet.

Hilda- And watch out for Drell.

Zelda- (Calling after) And whatever you do, don’t stare at his mole!

Zelda closes the closet door. There’s a crash of thunder from within and lightning shows round the edge of the door.

Ext. The Other Realm. The Witches Council sits on a cloud surrounded by clouds. Which makes the doorway that Sabrina stumbles through look somewhat out of place along with the wide oak table and the three witches seated there. The first is a woman of indeterminate age with blond hair, wearing high collared formal robes. Beside her is a huge man with long, curly, black hair. He’s also wearing robes and spectacles and holds a small furry rodent in his hand. At the far end is a small fair haired man in a suit and bowler hat, with friendly eyes. Sabrina steps up to the table.

Sabrina- Sorry, is this the Witches Council?

Cassandra- Yes. I don’t believe you have an appointment.

Cassandra checks the appointment book but the candle whose light she’s reading by begins to wilt and whine.

Cassandra- Drell, did you remember to feed the candle?

The huge man in the middle puts a piece of paper to the candle flame and it eats hungrily.

Drell- There, happy?

Sabrina- Er, I know I don’t have an appointment but I um I brought a wash cloth.

Skippy, the little man on the end stands and snaps his fingers indicating Sabrina should hand the cloth to him. He takes it and eats it hungrily.

Drell- Okay, state your name, age and request, we’ll see if we can fit you in.

Sabrina- I’m Sabrina, I’m sixteen and I’d like to turn back time.

Drell- Denied!

Skippy and Drell laugh,

Drell- Well we fit you in. Next order of business…

He looks Sabrina up and down and begins to glare threateningly.

Drell- Are you staring at my mole?

Sabrina- No! I just didn’t get a chance to explain why I wanted to turn back time.

Cassandra- Let’s humour her.

Drell- Okay. Speak! But quickly.

Sabrina- Okay, where do I start? Y’know from the moment I started my new school I didn’t fit in. I wore the wrong shoes, which may seem like nothing but kids can be so judgmental…

Cassandra listens patiently, Skippy nods understandingly, Drell plays with his mole and becomes bored.

Drell- I said quickly!

He makes a motion with his finger.

Sabrina- andbythetimeIgottotheCafeteria, Libbyspilledgrapesodaalloverme. Iwasalreadyabittense. ThenIturnedherintoapineapple, Imeanitwasn’tmyfault. Youdon’tknowthisgirlandshe’snotawitch, butshehasthepowertoturnthewholeschoolagainstme.

Drell gestures again, removing the speed up spell.

Sabrina- (Cont.) And frankly it’s hard enough knowing you really are a freak without everyone else knowing it too.

Drell- (To his mole) Oh the problems of teenagers are so interesting. (To Sabrina) Well we’ll review your case and then we’ll get back to you.

Sabrina- But I need to know.

Drell- And you will! Now go, and don’t let the time-space continuum hit you on the way out.

Skippy gives her a smile and a wave as she leaves.

Drell- (To his mole) You love me don’t you, huh Moley?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom that night. By the light of her lava lamp Sabrina lies on her bed and talks to her pet cat.

Sabrina- Salem, d’ya think the Council will grant the time reversal?

Salem- I’m the wrong witch to ask, they weren’t very lenient with me. Sentenced to a hundred years as a cat, and for what?

Sabrina- I don’t know, for what?

Salem- Oh like any young kid I dreamed of world domination, course they really crack down when you act upon it.

Sabrina- Wow! No wonder you’re so possessive of the sofa.

Salem- Hmm. It would have been glorious. Me, as the firm but just Emperor of Earth. Trust me, being a house pet wasn’t even plan ‘B’

Sabrina- Come on, it’s not that bad. You take five thousand naps a day.

Salem- I can’t go dancing, I can’t play squash. The sound of the can-opener is the only thing that makes me feel truly alive.

Sabrina- Salem, would you like your rubber mouse?

Salem- …Please.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Morning. It’s pineapple for breakfast again and Sabrina and Zelda are already into it when Hilda comes down.

Hilda- Any word from the Witches Council?

Sabrina- Not yet and if I’m going to school I have to leave any second.

The toaster pops, but rather than the smell of golden toasted bread there’s a slight aroma of singed card.

Zelda- That’s it.

Sabrina- That’s it?

Sabrina reaches for the card.

Zelda- Careful, don’t burn your fingers.

Sabrina- Please! Please! Please! Please!

she opens up the card. It’s blank, but it lets out a disembodied voice.

Drell- Request denied! Ha-ha-ha.

Zelda- I’m sorry honey.

Sabrina- It’s okay. So, where are we moving? I hear Greenland’s a groove.

Hilda- Get your books, you’re going to be late.

Sabrina- You don’t understand. aunt Hilda, I’m not going to school.

Hilda- Oh yes you are. You can do this. You can’t go through life being afraid of things. Toughen up.

Sabrina- But everyone’ll laugh at me.

Hilda- Toughen up.

Sabrina- So that’s my choice? Toughen up or toughen up? Aunt Zelda, will you help me?

Zelda- Oh you know I hate to say it but aunt Hilda’s right. I mean, who cares what the other kids say?

Sabrina- Actually Libby thought I was a freak even before this happened.

Hilda and Zelda- (Together) See?

Hilda hands Sabrina her bag.

Sabrina- Fine, I surrender. I guess every school needs a weird kid, it might as well be me.

Sabrina grabs her coat and leaves.

Hilda- (Calling after) I was the weird kid!

Zelda- They don’t tar and feather anymore do they? I hated that.

Hilda- You know who’s fault this is? That jerk Drell’s

Zelda- Just a thought but I bet you could convince him to change his mind.

Hilda- Me! I don’t think so. Besides, Sabrina’s going to be fine. Yes, she’ll be ostracised and reviled but she’ll get over it. The wounds will heal, the scars will fade… (On Zelda’s look) You know I can’t face Drell!

Zelda- Toughen up!

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Hilda comes up the stairs with determination.

Hilda- It’s payback time Drell. I’m coming in.

She storms into the linen closet causing a storm as the secret passage to the Other realm activates.

Drell- (OS) Hilda! What are you doing here? Oh, get your hands off my mole!

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina walks dejectedly along as Jenny rushes up behind her.

Jenny- Hey, I’ve got a joke. Knock knock.

Sabrina- Who’s there?

Jenny- Brad.

Sabrina- Brad Pitt? You told me that joke yesterday.

Jenny- No I didn’t, I just heard it on the bus.

Sabrina stops, Jenny walks on. A smile begins to grow across Sabrina’s face as she realises what this means.

Sabrina- Really?

She runs to catch her friend.

Int. History Class, The students are filing out.

Mr.s Hecht – Excellent work Sabrina.

Sabrina and Jenny move out into the hallway.

Jenny- I cannot believe you aced the pop quiz!

Sabrina- Well what can I say, I just love History.

There’s a call of ‘Heads up’ from behind them and Sabrina turns to catch the football. There’s general applause and shouts of ‘Nice catch!’ Sabrina throws the ball down in front of Libby as she passes.

Int. School Cafeteria. Sabrina and Jenny are sat eating lunch. Someone clears their throat and Sabrina looks up knowing who it is.

Harvey- Can I sit here?

Sabrina- Sure.

Harvey- That was a great catch.

Sabrina- I was in the zone. D’you know Jenny?

Harvey- You live in the house with the funny mailbox right?

Sabrina- You know, before we get into that. If you’re not doing anything Saturday night would you like to come and see a movie with Jenny and me?

Harvey- Well sure, that sounds like fun. Cool.

Sabrina- Cool.

Jenny- Cool.

Libby walks up behind Sabrina with her tray.

Sabrina- So you were saying about mailboxes?

Libby- Hi Harvey. I’m having a party Saturday night, you’ll be there right?

Harvey- Sorry, I just made plans.

Sabrina- (To Libby) Oh, bubble burst, and I bet you wanted everyone cool to come.

Libby smiles and tilts her tray slightly giving the cup of soda a slight nudge with her thumb. As the cup tips towards Sabrina, the little witch uses a little of her newfound powers to make the tilted cup do a little pirouette and spray’s it’s contents over Libby. Libby flees the cafeteria in dismay as Sabrina and her new friends laugh happily.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina’s home from school and looking a whole lot happier than when she left.

Sabrina- I love being a witch! I don’t know what made the Council change their minds but I got to do the whole day over again, and now the teachers think I’m smart, the jocks think I’m cool. Oh and I’m going to the movies with Harvey and Jenny Saturday night. Woo-hoo! I’m normal! Gotta go tell the cat.

Sabrina runs off up stairs. Zelda and Hilda watch bemused for a second before Hilda shakes her head.

Hilda- Teens.

Zelda- What about them?

Hilda- Just in general.

Int. Sabrina’s Bedroom. Sabrina bursts in excited and happy and picks up her black cat from the desk.

Sabrina- Salem, I don’t play squash but how about a dance?

Salem meows and purrs as Sabrina dances around the bedroom with him.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom later. Sabrina sits on her bed with the magic book open drinking a glass of milk as Salem outlines his world domination strategy.

Run Credits

Salem- And once I controlled Eurasia I was going to advance on…

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Oh Salem, can you hold that thought. I’ll be right back, I’ve gotta get some more milk.

Salem- Stay where you are. You’re a witch, look under the M’s

Sabrina flips through the magic book till she finds the right page.

Sabrina- Wow! Magic milk.

She points at her glass and it refills itself.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Cool, It worked. Hey, I could get used to this magic.

She takes a drink of her magic milk.

Salem- Hey, share.

——————————

Alternative Ending (Shown in later re-runs in the US)
Kindly supplied by Donald Lancon Jr.

Int. Spellman dining room. Salem sits on the dining room table, head lowered

Salem- People of Earth…

He slowly raises his head

Salem- I am your lord and master. I urge you to _worship_ me. Do not attempt to resist. You can feel your wills _weakening_… Yes… yes… yeeess…

OS the sound of can opener; Salem cocks his head to listen.

Salem- Can opener! Gotta go!

fade to black

Salem- Please be tuna, please be tuna, please be tuna! (purring) Oh, yeeeaaahhhh!

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Blundt Friday

Written By – Norma Safford Vela
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Mrs. Bogzigian – Ella Joyce
Cee Cee – Melissa Murray
Jill – Bridget Flanery
Guidance Counsellor – Eddie Allen
Teacher – Ariel Felix
Principle Larue – Tom McGowan
Gordie – Curtis Andersen
Student – Phillip Glasser

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Hilda and Zelda are tidying away laundry while Sabrina studies the magic book.

Sabrina- I don’t get it, I’ve been studying my magic book and it’s just too hard.

Zelda comes over and sits beside her on the bed.

Zelda- Oh here, let me help you. Ah! Here’s one for silence. (Reading) Affix the taste organ of a humped ruminant adjacent to one’s dentation.

Sabrina- I have no idea what that means.

Hilda- It means put a camel tongue in your mouth. It works, but you’ll find out why camels spit so much.

Sabrina- I think I’d rather actually be doing my homework.

Zelda- Sabrina, magic is part of your education too. Sure it’s hard work and it might seem difficult at times but with plenty of practice…

Hilda- (Interrupting) Oh why don’t you just get a straw and suck all the fun out of it?

Hilda flips over a few pages in the book and points out a particular page.

Hilda- (Cont.) Oh you are going to love this section.

Sabrina- (Reading) Magic for dummies?

Hilda- Try this one, it’s a hoot. Oh, it’s great at parties.

Zelda- Oh please! That’s the oldest trick in the book. That’s so old, mortal’s are doing it.

Sabrina- Let me try

Hilda gets a top hat from the top shelf of Sabrina’s wardrobe and tosses it to her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, here goes.

She stands and holds the hat while waving her free hand over it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Abracadabra.

She reaches into the hat, way into the hat. Her arm disappears almost to the shoulder as she feels around inside and eventually comes up with what she was looking for.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, it worked! I pulled a rabbit out of a hat.

Rabbit- Hey, put me back! My wife Renée is about to give birth.

Sabrina- Oh sorry.

Hilda- Relax, that happens a lot with rabbits.

Sabrina puts the rabbit back in the hat.

Sabrina- I didn’t know.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s just come down stairs with her school bag, Zelda’s at the counter making breakfast, Salem’s sat on the kitchen table and Sabrina goes over and scratches the top of his head.

Sabrina- Morning Salem.

Salem- Maybe for you, I’m having a bad fur day.

Sabrina- Poor kitty, what’s wrong?

Salem- Couldn’t sleep last night. I tried reading the most boring thing I could find but not even your diary could do the trick.

Sabrina- How’d you read my diary, it’s locked?

Salem- I picked it with my dew claw. So, who’s Harvey?

Sabrina- He’s… no one.

Salem- Yeah, no one with the worlds most perfect side burns.

Sabrina has a quick glance round embarrassed and hoping that her aunt didn’t hear.

Sabrina- That’s enough!

She picks Salem up and tosses him out the back door, but not before Salem makes sure everyone knows.

Salem- (Chanting) Harvey and Sabrina! Harvey and Sabrina! Harvey… Meow!!

Sabrina pulls the door too locking the mocking pussy out and heads for the counter.

Sabrina- Hey look, toast.

Zelda enters down the stairs.

Hilda- Good morning, I’ve got great news. Guess who’s going out with the head of the Witches Council tomorrow night? I’ll give you a hint.

She gestures with her hands and a flashing red neon arrow appears suspended in mid air pointing at her as she smiles happily.

Zelda- I don’t believe it, you’re going out with Drell?

Sabrina- The big ugly guy with the mole?

Hilda- Yes, and I’m so excited.

Zelda- Oh Hilda, don’t. Excitement brings hope.

Sabrina- What’s wrong with hope?

Zelda- Every time he makes a date with Hilda he breaks it.

Hilda- He did that once or twice, or maybe a thousand times but may I remind you that every time that Drell has cancelled he has always sent me a lovely token of his affection.

Zelda- Yeah, he always sends a pot-roast.

Sabrina- A pot-roast?

Hilda- Flowers wilt, say it with beef.

Sabrina- Well I’d love to stay and listen to more tales of romance and meat, but I’ve got school to ruin my day.

She picks up her nap sack.

Sabrina- (Cont.) See ya.

She exits through the back door.

Salem- (OS) Harvey and Sabrina! Meeoow!!

Int. Westbridge High School. Home Ec. class. Sabrina shares a cooker and counter with Jenny, Libby shares with her friends Jill and Cee Cee, Harvey shares with Gordie. They all have a napkin apiece.

Mrs. Bogzigian- Now the use of the cloth napkin exploded in the early nineteenth century and since there was no TV, napkin folding became a popular art form. Lets start with the bishops mitre.

She holds up one she’d made earlier.

Jenny- (To Sabrina) Why do we have to learn this?

Sabrina- In case our cable goes out?

Libby and her friends are enjoying themselves giggling about something.

Jenny- I think Libby and her friends are talking about us.

Sabrina glances over to their counter.

Sabrina- No they’re not. Don’t be so paranoid Jenny.

Jenny- Paranoid? They’re pointing at us and laughing.

She takes another look.

Sabrina- Oh, you’re right. Well just ignore them… Are they still doing it?

Harvey wanders over with his napkin.

Harvey- Hey!

Sabrina- Hi.

Jenny- Hi Harvey.

Harvey- I’m having a little trouble with the bishops mitre,

He holds out his screwed up white napkin.

Harvey- (Cont.) the best I can do is a snow-ball.

Jenny has a quick look round to make sure Mrs. Bogzigian isn’t watching before taking Harvey’s napkin.

Jenny- I can help.

Sabrina- I’ll supervise.

Harvey- You know the only reason I took home ec. was so I could eat during class. Coach says I’ve still got to bulk up and carbo-loading can get pretty lonely.

Sabrina- Well we’ll keep you company any time you have to eat.

Jenny- Yeah, we’re good at that.

Harvey- Hey, I’m going to the pizza place tomorrow night to force down eight slices, d’you guys wanna watch?

Sabrina- Sure, cool!

Jenny- Cool!

Harvey- Cool!

Jenny hands Harvey the finished bishops mitre and Harvey puts in on his head, making a little bow.

Harvey- (Cont.) Bless you.

He leaves.

Jenny- Oh that’ll be fun, hanging out with Harvey.

Sabrina- Yeah, that’ll be a lotta fun.

Jenny- Just the three of us.

Sabrina turns her attention back to her napkin and the bishops mitre.

Sabrina- Okay, the pointy ends…

Jenny- (Interrupting) Do you ever wonder what Harvey’s thinking about when he’s looking out the window?

Sabrina looks across and sure enough Harvey’s leaning on the wall gazing out of the window.

Sabrina- Probably football?

Jenny- No. No, I bet he’s thinking about nature, or-or poetry, or the poetry of nature.

Sabrina- Mmm, I’m sticking with football.

Jenny- Oh he’s so quiet, I wish I knew him better.

Sabrina- Jenny are you sure you wouldn’t rather go alone with Harvey tomorrow night. Y’know, just the two of you?

Jenny- No, would you?

Sabrina- No. I just like him as a friend.

Jenny- Me-Me too.

Mrs. Bogzigian- Need help Sabrina?

Sabrina- Well I er, I can’t really do that bishops thing…

She slips the napkin out of the teachers sight and points at it. The napkin folds itself in a complex origami sort of way before she turns back to show Mrs. Bogzigian.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I did make a rose.

Mrs. Bogzigian draws in a breath at how real the rose looks, Sabrina smells it

Int. School hallway. Sabrina’s at her locker with Jenny.

Jenny- Oh look, here comes our fan club.

Libby and Cee Cee come down the hallway.

Libby- Hi Jenny, Hi Sabrina.

They walk on giggling together.

Sabrina- Hey, is there something funny about our names?

Libby- Not Jenny’s.

Sabrina- You know, why don’t you guys just leave us alone. We’re not bothering you.

Libby- You’re still breathing aren’t you, freak! (To Jenny) Double freak!

Laughing Cee Cee and Libby turn and walk away.

Sabrina- (To Jenny) We can’t let her get to us.

But she already has as Sabrina slams shut her locker in frustration.

Sabrina- (Cont.) It’s what she wants. I just wish I knew what she was saying.

Jenny- Well what difference does it make, everything Libby says is a lie.

Sabrina- Hey, maybe we can retaliate by spreading lies about her.

Jenny- What can we say? That she’s actually nice and sweet?

Sabrina- Not much revenge in that.

Jenny- No. Face it, the world’d be a much better place if everyone told the truth but you can’t stop someone from lying.

Sabrina wonders as Jenny walks on.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits on her bed with her magic book open and her pet cat Salem beside her. She’s found what she’s been looking for.

Sabrina- Yes you can! You can stop someone from lying. It’s right here Salem, (Reading) ‘Truth Sprinkles’ Do they work?

Salem- All too well, it’s how the Witches Council got me to confess my scheme for world domination.

Sabrina- Well, do you wanna help me bake your highness?

She picks Salem up.

Salem- Like I have a choice.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Salem is lay on the counter supervising as Sabrina reads the recipe from the magic book.

Sabrina- This looks easy. (Reading) ‘Pre heat oven to 500 degrees’

She turns to the oven.

Salem- I don’t think so, check again.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Pre heat oven to 5,000′!

Zelda enters through the back door with groceries.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, can you help me, I’m trying to make truth sprinkles.

Zelda- Oh you’re using your magic, excellent. Do you want to make them from scratch or use instant?

Sabrina- There’s instant? I’ll use that.

Zelda- Huh! Witchcraft in an MTV world, it’s all quick cuts and funny angles. Now we keep our potions regarding openness and truth in a secret cabinet. This is a very special moment.

Sabrina- The moment I get to see the secret cabinet?

Zelda- Well if you’re going to make fun, I wont show it to you.

Luisa- Psst! The cabinets over here.

Sabrina- Who said that?

Luisa- Me, Luisa, over here.

Sabrina walks over to the other end of the counter where a picture of a lady hangs on the wall.

Sabrina- Whoa! These walls really can talk.

Salem- Sometimes they never shut up.

Luisa- Don’t start with me cat, I’ve seen what you do when they’re out of the house.

Zelda- Oh for Pete’s sake, the moments ruined.

She points at the section of wall where Luisa hangs and it swings open revealing a full length cabinet.

Sabrina- Oh neat! Hey, look at all these things. frog lips, freeze dried eye of newt, hey!

She brings out a plastic container of sprinkles.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Are these the truth sprinkles?

Zelda- No. They’re ice cream sprinkles, they’re in the wrong cabinet.

Hilda wanders in from the living room.

Zelda- (Cont.) Hey Hilda, have you seen the Jiffy Truth?

Hilda- Yeah, it’s in my bag. I used it last week when I took my car in for repairs. It turns out I really did need new break pads.

She crosses to her bag, pulls out a box of sprinkles and hands them to Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Jiffy Truth, one hundred percent refined truth, trace amounts of harsh reality. For best results, sprinkle on something sweet as the truth can be bitter.’

Hilda- It is great stuff, it makes you reveal your true feelings. Oh, which reminds me. Zelda, the postman has a crush on you.

Zelda- That is not what the sprinkles are for, they should only be used in serious matters.

Sabrina- Well this is serious. You remember Libby? Well she’s been spreading lies about me and Jenny and… it’s really upsetting Jenny.

Hilda- Well give Libby some sprinkles, and if those don’t work…

She reaches into her bag and brings out a plastic aerosol bottle.

Hilda- (Cont.) ..try some Lady Bald Spot, you just spray it and…

Zelda- (Interrupting) Hilda, that’s enough. Sabrina, you can take the sprinkles but let me warn you, the truth can have painful side effects.

Sabrina- Like what?

Zelda- Itching, chafing, hurt feelings.

Sabrina- Sounds like gym class.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Harvey’s taking a drink at the water fountain when Libby comes up to him.

Libby- Harvey, you would not believe what I’ve just heard. Okay, I’ll tell you. That’s not Sabrina’s real nose.

Harvey- It’s not?

Libby- Don’t you get it? She had surgery.

Harvey- Why? What’s wrong?

Libby- Never mind.

She walks off leaving Harvey confused.

Int. Home Ec. class. Mrs. Bogzigian is calling her students to order.

Mrs. Bogzigian- Alright, everyone to you stations. You know what today is, it’s Bundt cookin’ Fritag. It’s Bundt Friday!

The students don’t share Mrs. Bogzigian’s excitement as they all look at one another with a ‘So?’ expression. Mrs. Bogzigian holds up her Bundt cake pan.

Mrs. Bogzigian- Get your pans. Now, did you know that Richard Nixon’s favourite snack food was the Bundt? Oh he’d eat it secretly, and then deny it, but if you listen closely to those tapes…

Int. Home Ec. class. Later. Mrs. Bogzigian lifts her finished Bundt to her nose.

Mrs. Bogzigian- Smell your Bundt’s. Smell your neighbours Bundt’s. Hmm.

Jenny is cutting Sabrina and hers Bundt.

Jenny- We got really lucky, our Dutch chocolate looks much better than Libby’s fourteen grain.

Sabrina- You know I think maybe I’ll offer Libby a piece of our cake.

Jenny- Why?

Sabrina- Just to show she can’t get to us.

She takes a slice of cake on a plate and adds her own secret ingredient. The truth sprinkles.

Jenny- You’re a much nicer person than I am.

Sabrina takes the cake over to Libby’s bench just as Cee Cee and Jill take a bite of their Bundt.

Sabrina- Hi Libby.

Libby- Sabrina.

Cee Cee and Jill both dash off to the sink to spit out the awful cake and wash the taste away.

Sabrina- Er, do you want to try a piece of our cake?

Libby- Like I’d taste anything you gave me. What’s in it, poison?

Sabrina- No, just chocolate.

She waves it under Libby’s nose, tempting her.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Lots of chocolate.

Libby- Really?

Sabrina- And sprinkles.

Libby- Oh all right.

She takes the plate.

Libby- (Cont.) But I’m not going to start being nice to you.

She takes a bite of the Bundt.

Sabrina- That’s okay, I just want to ask you one question. Libby, what have you been saying about Jenny and me behind our backs?

Libby- Like I’d tell you!

She swallows the cake and the sprinkles, the magic immediately kicks in.

Libby- (Cont.) Okay, here’s what I was saying. I was saying that her father’s in jail and that she cheats on taxes, and then I threw in that you had a nose job.

Sabrina- But those are all lies.

Libby- You don’t have to tell me.

Jill and Cee Cee arrive back.

Cee Cee- What’s going on?

Libby- I was just telling Sabrina all the rumours we’ve been spreading about her.

Jill- Why? She’s not in the loop!

Libby- So? (To Sabrina) And by the way, it was Jill who made up the nose job story. Which is actually very funny because er, she’s the one who…

Libby taps her nose as Jill looks on horrified and clutches her nose.

Jill- You swore you’d never tell!

Libby- And Cee Cee, she kisses her Pete Sampras poster every night.

Cee Cee- You snitch!

Jill- That was too much, You told her my secret, I hate you…

Cee Cee- Now I’m going to tell everybody about your mom…

Sabrina slips away and leaves the three former friends arguing and joins Jenny, who’s watching the developing row with interest.

Sabrina- Yeah, I have a feeling Libby won’t be spreading anymore lies.

Jenny- Are you serious, how did you do that?

Sabrina- Piece of cake.

Sabrina looks down at their counter for the sprinkles but can’t see them.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, did you see a container of sprinkles on the counter?

Jenny- Yeah, Mrs. Bogzigian took them. She got really excited and started putting them on all the Bundt’s. Then she left the room.

Sabrina- Gotta go!

She turns and runs from the class.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina runs out of the class and down the Hallway.

Sabrina- Mrs. Bogzigian!

She sees the teacher coming out of the teachers lounge with an empty tray.

Sabrina- (Con.) Oh, Mrs. Bogzigian,

Mrs. Bogzigian- Oh my goodness, offering free food to teacher. I’m lucky I didn’t lose a hand.

Sabrina- You took our cake to the faculty lounge?

Mrs. Bogzigian- Yes, and the sprinkles were a delightful touch. Is there a problem?

Two teachers come out of the lounge.

Teacher- (To the other) I think I’ll skip class, truth is I don’t want to be here any more than the kids do and I can still make the fifth race.

Sabrina- (To Mrs. Bogzigian) No it’s fine. And who knows, it might make the world a better place.

Mrs. Bogzigian- That’s the spirit of Bundt.

Int. Home Ec. class. The row still goes on.

Jill- And you say you’re a size three when you’re really a size five.

Mrs. Bogzigian and Sabrina enter.

Libby- Yeah? Well remember when I swore I didn’t kiss Danny? I did. A lot.

Sabrina goes over to Harvey’s counter where he’s spreading frosting on their Bunt.

Sabrina- Hi Harvey, how’s your cake?

Harvey- Good, and you know? I didn’t just take home ec. ’cause coach told me too. I like to cook, I like it a lot.

Gordie reaches over for a finger full of frosting but Harvey spots him about to mar his lovely smooth surface and raps him on the knuckles with his spatula.

Harvey- (To Gordie) Hey!

Sabrina leaves them to it and goes back to her own counter.

Sabrina- Hey,

Jenny- Hi. I saved us a piece, with sprinkles.

Sabrina- Hmm! Well, you go first.

Jenny- Okay.

She takes a fork full.

Jenny- (Cont.) Wow! This is good. D’you know what it tastes like?

The magic sprinkles take effect.

Jenny- (Cont.) It tastes like I lied to you yesterday.

Sabrina- You lied to me! About what?

Jenny- The truth is I’d rather go to The Slicery alone with Harvey tonight.

Sabrina- Just the two of you?

Jenny- I think Harvey and I might be soul mates and you said you only liked him as a friend, so you don’t mind, right?

Sabrina- Yeah, sure.

Jenny- Perfect, I’ll go and tell Harvey you’re not coming.

Mrs. Bogzigian- Sabrina, you didn’t get any cake.

Sabrina- No, y’know… I’m really not very hungry.

After the teacher’s left she turns and sees Jenny and Harvey laughing and talking together and begins to fully understand Zelda’s warning, she was certainly chafing and her feelings were in a beaten up heap on the floor.

Int. School hallway, later. Sabrina walks alone and miserable down the hallway, Libby, Jill and Cee Cee walk past still arguing

Cee Cee- Freak!

Libby- Mutant!

Jill- Shovel head!

They go past shoving and digging each other but Sabrina is oblivious as she tries to come to terms with her best friend wanting to date the guy she fancies. Her route takes her past the Guidance Counsellors office where she sees a plate of bundt cake on his desk and overhears.

Guidance Counsellor- Let me give you the truth Ricky. You kids come in here and talk about your futures, your dreams but what about me? You think I wanted to be a guidance counsellor? Heck no, I was born to play the blues.

He pulls a mouth organ from his top pocket and accompanies himself.

Guidance Counsellor- (Singing) I got no future and neither do you, your SAT scores are four-thirty-two. Welcome to loserville.

Sabrina leaves the singing counsellor and heads over to her locker. where she overhears Gordie talking to another student.

Gordie- Come on, how far did she let you go?

Student- How far! I didn’t even try to kiss her.

Gordie- You didn’t?

Student- Nah, I’m not ready, didn’t I tell you I’m a virgin?

Gordie- Really? Me too.

Student- Excellent!

Gordie- I feel really awkward right now.

The two boy quickly go their separate ways as Sabrina puts away her school books. A voice comes over the school PA.

Principle Larue- Attention students, this is principle Larue. I just wanted to announce that as soon as I finish this yummy bundt cake… I’m going to the movie’s, like I do every Friday afternoon and I’m payin’ for my popcorn with petty cash. Thank you.

Sabrina can’t believe how bad things are getting with all this truth being told everywhere. She turns from her locker heading for home when she runs head on into Harvey.

Sabrina- Oof!

Harvey- Sabrina, Jenny said you weren’t coming tonight. Is it something to do with your nose?

Sabrina- No, I just can’t make it. You and Jenny have a good time, I’m late for the bus.

She barely holds back the tears long enough to run down the hallway and round the corner.

Harvey- (Calling after) Hey! You run funny.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda working at the table on her lap top computer as Hilda comes in wearing a tight fitting leather mini skirt and matching waist coat with a leopard print top beneath.

Hilda- Stop whatever you’re doing, this is more important.

She closes the lid on Zelda’s lap top to ensure her full attention.

Zelda- I was on the verge of a major scientific breakthrough.

Hilda- Nobody cares. Okay, which look do you think Drell will like better, tough chic or…

She raises her hand to her forehead in a dramatic gesture as her outfit changes to a scoop neck blouse with short, billowing sleeves and a long flowing skirt. Her waist is synched by laced up bodice

Hilda- (Cont.) Damsel in distress?

She places her hands on her hips and her outfit changes back.

Hilda- (Cont.) Tough chic or…

And once again.

Hilda- (Cont.) Damsel in distress?.

Zelda- Isn’t there something in the middle?

Hilda- Like a tough chic in distress?

She gestures and the damsel in distress skirt changes into the short leather mini skirt.

Hilda- (Cont.) Ooh, I like it.

Zelda- I hate it. Oh why don’t you just wear what you wore last time Drell stood you up?

Hilda- He is not going to stand me up.

She turns to leave just as the oven timer sounds.

Hilda- (Cont.) Were you cooking something, Zelda?

Zelda- Oh-no! Drell did it again.

She puts on an oven glove and takes a roasting tray from the oven.

Zelda- (Cont.) He sent you a… half a pot-roast?

Hilda- That just means he’s going to be a little late. He’s so thoughtful.

Sabrina enters looking very glum.

Sabrina- Hey.

Hilda- Oh-no, you look unhappy. Tell Zelda, I can’t let you bring me down, I’ve got a date!

Hilda leaves.

Zelda- What’s wrong?

Sabrina- Well, you were right, high school is no place for the truth. People were blurting out their feelings all over the place, it was awful.

Zelda- Well I warned you, the truth can be unruly but don’t worry, the sprinkles wear off after twenty-four hours.

Sabrina- Twenty-four hours is too late. Ignorance was bliss, I was just too stupid to know it.

She goes off to her room.

Int. The Slicery. Harvey’s playing an arcade game as Jenny enters.

Jenny- Hi Harvey.

Harvey- Hey, you made it.

Jenny- Yeah, I made it.

Harvey- What now?

Jenny- D’you wanna order pizza?

Harvey- Great idea.

They move over to a table and sit.

Jenny- So this is nice, just the two of us.

Harvey- Yeah no Sabrina, it’s great.

Jenny- It is?

Harvey- Sure, now we can order onions. Sabrina hates onions.

Jenny- But won’t it also give us a chance to get to know each other better?

Harvey- Yeah, or we could just play foozball.

Jenny- I’m not really into sports, I’d rather talk about poetry and nature.

Harvey- I’m really not into poetry but natures okay. I mean I like going outside.

Jenny- Me too!

Harvey- But not when it’s cold, I don’t like being cold.

Jenny- Y’see I’m okay with cold.

Harvey- D’ya like hot?

Jenny- Not that much.

Harvey- Oh. Where’s that pizza?

Jenny- We haven’t ordered it yet.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda’s at Sabrina’s bedroom door, she knocks.

Zelda- Sabrina, may I come in?

Sabrina- (OS) Yeah, I’m just practising my magic.

Zelda enters.

Zelda- Oh wonderful.

She sees dozens of cute little bunnies hopping around Sabrina’s bedroom as Sabrina pulls yet another from her hat.

Sabrina- I think I’m getting pretty good.

Zelda- Oh-no.

Sabrina- And watch.

She takes a cane and with a flourish changes it into two coloured scarves.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Ta-da! I think I’m ready for a cruise ship.

Zelda- Sabrina, it’s Friday night. Why aren’t you out with your friends?

Sabrina- ‘Cause.

Zelda- D’you want to talk about it?

Sabrina- No.

Zelda- Are you sure? Come on, I think you need a snack.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina sits at the table as Zelda brings over some cookies.

Sabrina- I’m really not hungry.

Zelda- Eat this, the sprinkles will help you uncover your true feelings.

Sabrina- No thanks, I’d rather use Lady Bald Spot.

Zelda- Trust me.

Sabrina takes a bite.

Zelda- (Cont.) So why are you home?

Sabrina- Because Jenny told me she wanted to be alone with Harvey tonight and I said it was okay.

Zelda- And is it okay?

Sabrina- Yeah, I guess. No! No it’s not okay. You know Harvey and Jenny are alone together, it should be Harvey and me, or Jenny and me but it shouldn’t be Harvey and Jenny alone without me.

Zelda- So what are you gonna do?

Sabrina- I’m going to tell Jenny just what I told you… if I can remember it. Thanks aunt Zelda.

Zelda- You’re welcome dear.

Sabrina- Oh, and by the way, that dress is really ugly.

Sabrina leaves after proving once again that some truths can leave hurt feelings in their wake.

Int. The Slicery. Harvey is struggling to finish his pizza while Jenny amuses herself beside him.

Harvey- Slice number seven, this ones for the team.

Jenny holds up the paper napkin she’s been working on, Mr.s Bogzigian’s lessons have been sinking in.

Jenny- Look, I made a Swan.

Harvey- Thanks.

He takes the Swan and wipes pizza grease from round his mouth with it. Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- I’ve come to speak the truth!

Jenny- Sabrina!

Harvey- You made it.

Sabrina- Jenny we need to talk, right away.

Harvey- You should know, we ordered onions.

She leads Jenny a little way away from the table and Harvey.

Jenny- What is it Sabrina?

Sabrina- I lied to you when I said I didn’t mind Harvey and you coming here alone, I do mind and I know you guys might be soul mates but…

Jenny- (Interrupting) We’re not soul mates.

Sabrina- You’re not?

Jenny- No. I mean Harvey’s really cute and he’s really nice but you can’t build a life on that.

Sabrina- I’d be willing to give it a shot.

Harvey- (Calling over) Are you guys talking about me?

Sabrina and Jenny- (Together) Yes.

Harvey- Come and talk about me over here.

They walk back to the table.

Jenny- I was just telling Sabrina what a crummy time we had without her.

Harvey- Yeah, she can’t even play foozball.

Jenny- You know Harvey, I think I liked you better when you were distant and mysterious. Up close you’re kind of a loud chore.

Harvey- Yeah, well sometimes I put little pieces of paper in your hair and you don’t even notice.

Sabrina puts her arms round her two friends.

Sabrina- Isn’t this great, us being honest with each other and all.

She quietly removes a small piece of paper from Jenny’s hair.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Hilda comes out of her room as neither the tough chic, the damsel in distress or the tough chic in distress. She’s whistling happily as she heads for the linen closet. Zelda comes up the stairs.

Hilda- Do you love my hair?

Zelda- I see you went with the little black feather… thing.

Hilda- Yes. And now I’m off to the linen closet where I will travel to another dimension of time and space to have a lovely date with Drell. Don’t wait up.

Zelda- Stop! I have something to say. I know I said that Drell would stand you up and this date would never happen and… I was wrong.

Hilda- I love it when you say that. Will you say it again?

Zelda- No. Look, just have fun on your date. After all you’ve been through with Drell you deserve a good time.

Hilda- Thanks, bye. Gotta go, I don’t wanna keep Drell waiting, although it is kind of a funny image, Drell waiting.

She opens the closet door and then closes it again without going through.

Hilda- (Cont.) I just had the best idea, I’m not going.

Zelda- What!

Hilda- I’m standing Drell up! I’m going to give him a taste of his own pot-roast.

Zelda- Oh Hilda, that’s perfect! Those self help books are really paying off.

Hilda- I know. Now lock me in my bedroom before I change my mind.

Int. The Slicery. Jenny sits a table that’s covered in Swans, bishops mitres and various other napkin creations while Harvey and Sabrina play foozball, Sabrina whacks the ball into the goal.

Harvey- Well that’s two games apiece.

Sabrina- Hey Harvey, before we play again can I tell you something?

Harvey- Sure. Tonight we have no secrets from each other.

They lean close over the table.

Sabrina- Well it’s kinda personal but I’ve been wanting to tell you this for the longest time. I think you have the worlds most perfect side burns.

Harvey- Really?

Sabrina- Yeah, and one more thing.

They lean closer, to within kissing range.

Harvey- Yeah?

Sabrina- Onions give you really bad breath.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Once again Zelda is working on her lap-top. Salem is lay on the counter too full to move with what’s left of the pot-roast in front of him.

Salem- Oh, I wish my fur had an elastic waist band, <Burp>

Zelda- Well stop eating.

Salem- I can’t.

Sabrina enters from the living room.

Sabrina- Hello, hello, hello!

Zelda- Hi, hi, hi! How’d it go?

Sabrina- Great! You were right, the truth sprinkles set me free.

Zelda- Well I’m glad but they weren’t truth sprinkles. Surprise, I gave you ice-cream sprinkles.

Sabrina- You lied to me?

Zelda- No I… Okay I did but-but the point is I wanted you to learn that the truth is something you should find without magic.

Sabrina- I can’t believe you did that! I told Harvey he had the worlds most perfect side burns and I didn’t have too? I am so embarrassed.

Zelda- Oh Sabrina, you should never be embarrassed by the truth.

Sabrina- Oh yeah, then why did you change out of your dress?

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina and Jenny walk together as Harvey catches up.

Harvey- Hey, d’you guys want to have lunch today?

Jenny- As long as Sabrina comes along.

Sabrina- Sure.

Jenny- Cool!

Harvey- Cool!

Sabrina- Cool!

Harvey leaves. The girls pass Libby at her locker.

Sabrina- Hi Libby.

They giggle as Libby turns to them.

Jenny- So where are Jill and Cee Cee?

Libby- Like I care, we are no longer friends.

Libby walks off in a huff right into Jill and Cee Cee as they come round the corner.

Jill- Hi Libby, nice outfit.

Cee Cee- Oh and I love those pants, what are they, a size three?

Libby- You know it. So where have you two been?

They put there arms round Libby and walk off together. Cee Cee makes a ‘Size five’ signal and mouths the word to Jill behind Libby’s back as the school PA comes to life.

Principle Larue- Attention students, this is the real principle Larue.

Sabrina listens at her locker.

Principle Larue- (Cont.) Last Friday some prankster broke into my office and impersonated me. I, of course, was at the district office all day working to make your school a better place. Thank you.

Sabrina closes her locker not believing a word as feedback whistles for a second, then still on the PA.

Principle Larue- Do you think they bought that? Huh? Oh-no!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is putting all the little bunnies back into the hat.

Run Credits.

Sabrina- I’ll miss you, Trisha. See you soon, Samantha. Take care, Brian. Goodbye, Bernadette. Adios, Colleen.

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Terrible Things

Written By – Jon Sherman
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Mr. Pool – Paul Feig
Drell – Penn Jillette
Principle Larue – Tom McGowan
Commentator – Aeryk Egan
Marge – Sara Van Horn
Student – Milo Ventimiglia
Randy ‘The Destroyer’ – Marvin C. Jones II
Photographer – James D. Fields

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway, Sabrina comes round the corner wearing a black outfit. Black top with a black bib front skirt, black hose and black shoes. She sees Libby talking to her friends, she wearing a black top with a black bib front skirt, black hose and black shoes. Sabrina stops dead in her tracks, turns and dashes back round the corner.

Int. Girls bathroom. Sabrina enters and does a quick check of the stalls to make sure she’s alone before pointing at herself. A magical change later and she wearing a powder blue top and brown check pants. She checks herself out in the mirror.

Sabrina- Much better.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes round the corner and sees Libby in her black outfit still talking to Jill and smiles as she walks past down to her locker. As she’s taking out her school books Jenny enters.

Jenny- Hey, love the look.

She bumps hips with Sabrina and walks away laughing. Sabrina watches her go in her identical blue top and brown check trousers. It’s going to be one of those days.

Run opening credits.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is getting her school stuff ready and putting it in her nap-sack.

Zelda- (OS) Where are you.

Salem slips in through the door.

Salem- You didn’t see me, I was never here.

He nips under the bed to hide as Zelda comes up the stairs and enters.

Zelda- Sabrina, have you seen Salem?

Sabrina- Um… no?

Salem- (From under the bed) You are the worst liar.

Zelda reaches under the bed and gets hold of the struggling Salem.

Zelda- Come on.

Salem- No! I wont go! I wont go! I WONT GO!!

Zelda puts him down on the bed.

Sabrina- Ah, is it time for Salem to be wormed again?

Salem- No worse. I have to do community service.

Zelda- It’s part of his punishment for attempting global conquest.

Salem- As if being a cat for a hundred years wasn’t enough, Zelda had to put me in a pets for prisoners program.

Zelda- I gave you a choice, you could have done highway cleanup.

Salem- Yeah, cats do real well on highways.

Zelda- Stop complaining and get your wormy little butt down stairs in two minutes. It’s time to pay your debt to society.

Zelda leaves.

Salem- (Calling after) Can’t I just write a cheque?

Sabrina- I don’t know what your problem is, it’s nice to help people.

Salem- And what nice things have you done lately?

Sabrina- Me? I do nice things all the time.

Salem- Really? Since you got your magical powers all I’ve seen you do is change your clothes and make brussel sprouts disappear.

Sabrina- That’s not true and I’ll prove it. I’ll use my magic to do three nice things before the end of school today, easy.

Salem- Not so easy. Before you shoot your little finger off, you’d better consider the consequences or ter-rible things could happen.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. An election is taking place for class president. A ballot box sits on a table and students mark their Xs against the candidates names and slip them in. One of the candidates is Jenny, she spots a potential voter and rushes over.

Jenny- Hi! My names Jenny, I’m running for sophomore class president and I’m with the outsider party.

The other candidate comes up on the students other side.

Libby- Hi! My name is Libby and I’m also running for class president, but I’m with the popular party.

Jenny- A vote for me is a vote for smaller classes and more funding for the arts.

Libby- A vote for me is a vote for more pizza at lunch.

Student- (To Jenny) I’m voting for her.

Sabrina comes over to her friend to console her over yet another lost vote.

Sabrina- She’s pretty much killing you with that pizza platform.

Jenny- I don’t get it, why doesn’t anybody want to support the outsider party?

Sabrina- Maybe because you named it after their biggest fear?

Jenny- Libby thinks being class president is about lunch food and dances. Call me idealistic but I really want to make this school a better place.

Sabrina- Hey, you got my vote.

Jenny- Which gives me a grand total of two.

Libby strolls past to gloat.

Libby- Poor Jenny. There’s nothing like losing to say ‘You’re a loser.’

she walks off smiling.

Jenny- I wish I could win, I really wanted to make a difference.

Jenny leaves dejected and Sabrina wishes she could help out her friend. Wait, maybe she can. She give a little inconspicuous point toward the ballot box, it’s sides split open with the massive amount of voting slips it suddenly contains.

Sabrina- (To herself) I think that’s one nice thing.

She walks off pleased with herself.

Int. School hallway. Harvey walks down the hall drinking from a large paper cup, he grimaces as he swallows. Sabrina catches up with him.

Sabrina- Hey Harvey. Whoa! What’s that smell?

Harvey- Protein shake. Coach says I have to bulk up if I ever want to start at running back.

Sabrina- Well… you look fatter.

Harvey- That’s sweet of you, but you see that guy over there?

He points to a boy at a locker down the hall.

Harvey- (Cont.) That’s Randy the Destroyer. Unless I put on twenty pounds or he gets injured, I stay on the bench. Man, I wanna play. D’you wanna go in.

Sabrina- Yeah, I’ll be there in a sec.

Harvey goes into class and Sabrina glances over her shoulder at the destroyer. He’s still at his locker. Another student catches him accidentally as he passes. Randy turns.

Randy- Hey, watch it!

While he’s distracted Sabrina does the pointing thing and he manages to slam his locker door on his hand.

Randy- Aw! My hand!

He nurses his injured hand.

Sabrina- That’s two.

Int. science class. Sabrina and the rest of the class are sat doodling as they wait for the teacher to arrive. Mr. Pool enters.

Mr. Pool- Sorry I’m late but my car broke down. I made the mistake of trying to go uphill in my AMC Gremlin.

The class laugh.

Harvey- Why don’t you just get a better car Mr. Pool?

Mr. Pool- Like a Ferrari? Sure, y’know what, I’m going to run right out after class and buy one, and I’ll pay for it with frustration. Now can we move on to science? Alright, today we’re going to talk about the elements and why one can’t turn lead into gold no matter how hard one tries.

Later. Mr. Pool as written up a list of the noble gases on the chalk board.

Mr. Pool- …and Radon, which is the heaviest of the noble gases, don’t laugh.

The bell rings

Mr. Pool- All right read chapter four tonight, and take showers.

He points at a student as they make their way out.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Especially you.

Sabrina- Hey Mr. Pool, are you okay? You seem especially bitter today.

Mr. Pool- Me? I’m fine.

He picks up his tattered old briefcase from the desk and the handle breaks, as the case hits the floor it bursts open strewing papers all over the floor. He throws down the handle in disgust.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) What a mess!

Sabrina- It’s just a bunch of papers.

Mr. Pool- No, my life!

He gets down on the floor and starts picking up the files and papers and throws them into the case. Sabrina kneels down to help.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) I’ve been a teacher seven years and I still can’t afford a new briefcase, I found this one.

Sabrina- I was wondering who T.G.K. was.

Mr. Pool- Just to pay my bills I have to work cafeteria duty, I have to supervise the science club and on weekends I… wash Principle Larue’s car.

Sabrina- Well maybe you should consider doing something else.

Mr. Pool- Like what? I love teaching science, it’s the only good thing in my life.

Sabrina- Well, you have a lot of coupons.

She holds up a wad of money off vouchers.

Mr. Pool- Thanks.

Sabrina- Oh, this one for forty cents off Fruit Cooks has expired.

Mr. Pool- No! Ah who are they foolin’ anyway, you can no more sweeten a cookie with fruit than you can turn lead into gold.

He stands holding the briefcase closed and heads for the door. What he’s just said gives Sabrina an idea and she points. Mr. Pool stops and turns, he’s had an idea too.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Or can you? Wait a minute, why didn’t I think of this before?

He puts down his case and starts to write on the chalkboard

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Lead, Pb, with mercury.

He turns to Sabrina.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Thanks for helping me pick up my stuff Sabrina. Now get out, I’m on to some’in’

Sabrina leaves and Mr. Pool turns back to his formula.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Yes! Yes this would turn lead into gold. That’s alchemy, it defies the laws of physics.

He doesn’t see Sabrina pop her head back in the door.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Oh who cares, I’m going to be rich! Whoo-Hoo!

Sabrina closes the door again quietly behind her and leans back against the wall with a pleased smile on her face.

Sabrina- That’s three nice things.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem is being strangled, oh, no it’s okay, it’s just Geoffrey having his violin lesson with Hilda. He is awful and Hilda covers her ears wincing as he finishes his piece.

Hilda- That was very good Geoffrey but your E string needs tuning.

She takes his violin.

Hilda- (Cont.) I’ll be right back.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda sits reading at the counter as Hilda enters with Geoffrey’s violin.

Hilda- This one’s for Mozart.

She smashes the violin to pieces against the table. Sabrina enters through the back door.

Sabrina- Hey guys.

She sees the shattered fiddle.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh, I see Geoffrey’s here.

Hilda- Yep. Mozart started spinning in his grave about ten minutes ago.

Zelda- Oh please, let the poor man rest in peace.

Sabrina- I don’t get it aunt Hilda, why don’t you just use your magic to make Geoffrey play better. I mean wouldn’t that be a nice thing for him and for us?

Hilda- Yes, but I would never do that.

Zelda- That’s right, you must be careful about meddling in mortal’s lives. We witches have rules.

Hilda- Who cares about the rules, I just want Geoffrey to keep paying for lessons.

Hilda picks up the broken violin.

Hilda- Well, better get back.

Zelda- Must you?

Hilda points at the violin and it magically reconstructs itself in her hand. She plucks the E string.

Hilda- Perfect. Like it matters.

She turns and heads back to the living room and Geoffrey.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, I’m still a little confused about this meddling thing. Why is it you can’t use magic to make someone’s life better?

Zelda- Well because it’s impossible to know what would make a mortal happy.

Sabrina- But what if you knew exactly what would make them happy?

Zelda- Ah well, you still can’t predict the consequences.

Sabrina- But wouldn’t those consequences just be good?

Zelda- Well in some cases the consequences might be good, but then again ter-rible things could happen.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina enters with her lunch tray and sits opposite Jenny.

Sabrina- Hey, any word on the election?

Jenny- Not officially but this came out.

She shows Sabrina the latest edition of the Westbridge Lantern school newspaper.

Sabrina- How can they print that Libby’s won when the results haven’t even been announced yet?

Jenny- It’s a weekly Sabrina, they usually just go on a hunch.

Sabrina- Yeah, well I have a hunch too.

Principle Larue- (On the school PA) Attention students, this is Principle Larue, and I have in my hands the results of a grand experiment called democracy.

Sabrina- Just say it.

Principle Larue- (Cont.) The president of the freshman class, the winner is Andy Galler. The president of the sophomore class, the winner is…

Jenny- Libby Chessler.

Principle Larue- (Cont.) Jennifer Kelly.

They both leap up with squeals of excitement and hug each other over the table.

Jenny- Can you believe I won!

Sabrina- Yes, I can!

The photographer for the Westbridge Lantern rushes up.

Photographer- Hey Jenny, how about a picture for the year book?

Jenny grabs the copy of the paper and holds it up with a big, beaming smile. The headline reads ‘LIBBY DEFEATS JENNY!’

Int. School Hallway. Jenny and Sabrina walk along and are joined by Harvey.

Harvey- Hey, congratulations Jenny, I’m really glad you won.

Jenny- It’s because people like you voted for me and not pizza.

Harvey- Er… right.

He changes the subject quickly.

Harvey- (Cont.) Hey, I’m having a really great day too. Coach just told me I’m starting at running back tomorrow.

Jenny- Wow!

Sabrina- That’s great! That’s what you wanted, right Harvey?

Harvey- Absolutely. You guys gonna come watch me play?

Sabrina- Sure, cool!

Jenny- Cool!

Harvey- Cool! And don’t be late ’cause y’know, I’m starting.

Int. Science class. Jenny goes over to Libby.

Jenny- Libby, I just wanted to say that I think you handled your defeat very gracefully.

Libby- Oh, bite me!

Mr. Pool enters wearing a red baseball hat.

Mr. Pool- Sorry I’m late but I was out buying a new car.

He takes of the hat and shows them the badge on the front.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) A Ferrari, since you asked. Yes, thanks to the miracle of science and an educated brain I now have one wicked set of wheels. Okay! Whoever can explain the crab cycle gets a lump of gold.

Dozens of hands shoot up as he holds up an impressive gold nugget.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Isn’t learning fun?

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters and sees her pet cat resting on a chair back.

Sabrina- Salem, you’re back. How was jail?

Salem- Not bad, there’s a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I’d call the governor and plead his innocence.

Sabrina- See? I told you it was nice to help people.

Salem- Are you kidding? I’m not calling.

Hilda enters having overheard.

Hilda- Calling who? About what? Are we getting pizza?

Sabrina- No, I was just going to tell Salem about all the nice things I did today.

Salem- Yeah, but I’m not interested.

He jumps down from his chair and heads for the kitchen. Hilda sits herself beside her niece.

Hilda- I’m interested, tell me. Oh, but wait.

She points at the coffee table and a ham and pineapple pizza appears in a puff of smoke, she takes a slice.

Hilda- (Cont.) Okay, start.

Sabrina- See I wanted to use my magic more to help my friends so I made a few adjustments in their lives and it…

Hilda- (Interrupting) Hold on. Didn’t Zelda tell you there are rules against meddling and ter-rible things could happen?

Sabrina- Not again. Look, everyone’s happy, everything’s working out great okay. There’s nothing ter-rible about it.

Sabrina gets up and goes upstairs, Hilda takes a bite of her pizza and grimaces.

Hilda- This is ter-rible pizza.

Ext. Westbridge High School Sports Field. The bleachers are full as the Fighting Scallions take the field, A Mexican wave does the rounds.

Int. The Commentators box.

Commentator- And a fair catch is called by the Fighting Scallions.

Sabrina and Jenny enter the box.

Sabrina- Wow! Great view. This is so cool, hanging out in the presidents section watching Harvey start.

Jenny- Oh look, there’s Mr. Pool. Wow! who’s the blonde?

Sabrina- I think she came with the Ferrari. Oh, no wait, she’s with the guy next to him.

Commentator- The Fighting Scallions break from the huddle and Harvey Kinkle is the lone set back.

Jenny- There’s Harvey. Wow, it’s so great that he’s out there.

Sabrina- Yeah, thanks. Oh, are you sure that’s Harvey?. He looks kinda small.

Commentator- It’s first and ten from the twenty-one and the Scallions keep it on the ground. Cougar hands off to Kinkle…

Sabrina- Harvey’s got the ball!

Commentator- …and he is pummelled. Oh the humanity, that guy had no business being out there. Oh this is a ter-rible thing.

Sabrina, who had been clutching Jenny in horror at what just happened to Harvey, stares at the commentator.

Int. School cafeteria. Monday. Harvey sits with his arm in a sling as Libby spoon feeds him his lunch.

Harvey- Oh! Aw!

Libby- Oh you poor thing, it even hurts to chew.

Harvey- No, it’s just hot!

Sabrina sits with Jenny at another table but looks across to where Harvey’s sat.

Sabrina- I feel so bad about Harvey, I can’t believe he’s sprained his arm.

Jenny- I can’t believe that’s all he’s sprained.

Sabrina- Can we change the subject, lets er, talk about you being president.

Jenny- Alright, I have my big meeting with Principle Larue this afternoon.

The student who voted for Libby earlier comes by.

Student- Hey Jenny, tell Larue to do something about this meatloaf huh?

Jenny- Meatloaf? Hey man, what about intellectual freedom? (To Sabrina) I’d better go, I’ll see you later at The Slicery?

Sabrina- Yeah, we’ll get pizza.

Jenny- Great idea, this meatloaf really gags.

Jenny leaves, Sabrina gets up to ditch her tray and walks past Mr. Pool’s table. He’s doing cafeteria duty in style, with a white table cloth and waiter service. Only the best bone china and silverware will do.

Sabrina- Hey Mr. Pool, smells good.

Mr. Pool- Linguine with white truffles, no more artery clogging sloppy Joe’s for me. Now that I’m rich I have a reason to live.

Sabrina- So are you happy?

Mr. Pool- Oh, I’ll say. Well it gives me the freedom to teach science without anger and resentment. I can now teach for the pure joy of teaching. (To the waiter) Ah-ah-ah, leave the whole block.

The waiter puts down the block of cheese he had just been grating over Mr. Pool’s lunch and leaves. Sabrina ditches her tray and goes over to Harvey’s table. Libby’s still feeding him.

Sabrina- Hey Harvey… and Libby.

Harvey- So, did you make it to the game on Saturday?

Sabrina- Yeah, I saw you start… and finish.

Harvey- My dads got it all on video, keeps playing it over and over saying that I can learn from it.

Sabrina- Well, y’know let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.

Libby- I’m a cheerleader, let me handle this.

Sabrina- Sure. (To Harvey) Well I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry. Y’know not like a responsible sorry, more like sympathetic sorry in a blameless third party sort of way.

Harvey and Libby give Sabrina a worried look.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Feel better.

She leaves quickly.

Int. School Secretary’s office. Jenny sits waiting to see the principle. The secretary comes out of Principle Larue’s office.

Marge- The principle will see you now.

Jenny gets up and enters the office.

Int. Principle Larue’s office. He’s sat behind the desk that sports a plethora of executive toys in an ambient lamp lit, cosy atmosphere, the secretary shows Jenny in.

Principle Larue- Please sit down.

Jenny sits and hands over a sheet of paper.

Jenny- The reason I called this meeting was to present my five point program, my contract with Westbridge, if I may.

Principle Larue- Proceed.

Jenny- Well the first point focuses on class size, I think…

Principle Larue- (Interrupting) You have no authority there.

Jenny- I don’t?

Principle Larue- No. Next point?

Jenny- Well I’m also concerned about arts funding.

Principle Larue- You have no authority there.

Jenny- Text books?

Principle Larue- No.

Jenny- Curriculum?

Principle Larue- No.

Jenny- Parking?

Principle Larue- Huh! I don’t even have authority there. These topics that you raise are not to be addressed in this room. They are decided by powerful men in smoke filled board rooms hundreds of miles from here. It is not your place to question their choices. They know you Jennifer, better than you know yourself. Let’s leave the business of school to the people who’s business is school. Student class elections have always been a popularity contest, let’s keep it that way.

He takes Jenny’s five point plan and passes it through the shredder

Int. The Slicery. Jenny’s sat alone at a table drowning her sorrow’s as Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Hey, how’d it go?

Jenny- I’m on my second pitcher of root beer.

Sabrina- Why, what’s wrong?

Jenny- I wish I’d never become president.

Sabrina- You said that’s what you wanted though?

Jenny- Yeah, so young, so naive. I thought I could make a difference.

Sabrina- But you can!

Jenny- No. You keep your illusions but it’s too late for me, I’ve seen how the meatloaf is made.

Sabrina- Oh Jenny, I’m sorry.

Jenny- It’s a ter-rible thing.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters dejectedly to find her aunts waiting for her.

Sabrina- Hey.

Zelda- We need to talk.

Sabrina- Not now, I’ve had a really lousy day.

She heads for the stairs but a quick spell from Hilda drags her forcibly back to a chair by the table.

Sabrina- And apparently it’s not over yet.

Zelda- This came in the toaster for you.

She hands Sabrina the message

Zelda- (Cont.) It’s from Drell.

Sabrina- The head of the Witches Council, what does he want with me?

Hilda- We don’t know. I wanted to open it but Zelda wouldn’t let me.

Sabrina opens the message.

Drell- (OS) Report to my office immediately and brings your aunts with you.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes up the stairs followed by her aunts and heads straight for the linen closet. As she reaches for the door handle she suddenly veers aside.

Sabrina- I don’t wanna go, Drell scares me. You guys go first and tell me what he wants.

Hilda- Hey, I don’t want to see Drell any more than you do.

Zelda- Yeah sure.

Hilda- Look, we used to be in love but I no longer have any feelings for him. How’s my hair?

Zelda- Come on, let’s go.

She grabs Sabrina by the arm and drags her into the closet, Hilda follows pulling the door too behind her.

Hilda- (OS) Aw! My foot.

The closet activates taking them all to the Other Realm.

The Other Realm. Drell’s outer office. The trio of witches enter. It has an uncanny resemblance to Principle Larue’s outer office.

Sabrina- I don’t like this place, it reminds me of the principles office.

Drell’s secretary comes in and the similarities grow, She is the image of the school secretary.

Marge- Drell will see you now.

They head into Drell’s office, Hilda gives Zelda a little shove so she will go in first. Sabrina follows looking quizzically at the secretary.

Sabrina- You look so familiar.

Hilda grabs her and pulls her into the office.

Int. Drell’s office. It could be Principle Larue’s, the same lighting, the same executive toys, the same pictures on the wall but the huge man with the long black, curly hair is definitely not Larue.

Zelda- Hello Drell, what a pleasant surprise.

Drell- No it’s not, I summoned you and you’re here. Hilda! What’s with your hair?

Hilda- My new boyfriend likes it this way.

Drell- Oh, your new boyfriend. What’s his name?

Hilda- …Um!

Drell- Oh well I hope you and …Um! are very happy.

He points at the seat in front of his desk and indicates that Sabrina should sit.

Drell- Sabrina, why don’t we begin by you explaining to us why we’re here?

Sabrina- I don’t know.

Drell- Stop me if something sounds familiar. Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.

Sabrina- Oh that.

Zelda- Sabrina?!

Hilda- You didn’t?!

Sabrina- I was just trying to help people.

Drell- Help is a four letter word like ‘Dumb’ and ‘Move’ Am I right?

Sabrina- Well first all the people I helped were happy but now only one is and he’s happy enough for all three of them though. So…

Drell- (Interrupting) Now I should explain to you that when I say ‘Am I right?’ IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because I’m always right.

Zelda- Drell please, Sabrina’s a good kid.

Hilda- And things are hard on her. Her mother’s in Peru, her father’s in a book.

Drell- And I’m in the land of I_DON’T_CARE! You’re her guardians, you should have warned her that if you meddle with peoples lives ter-rible things could happen.

Zelda- Oh I did, that’s exactly what I said.

Hilda- So did I.

Sabrina- So did Salem but nobody made it sound like it was a big deal.

Drell- Oh Jeez!

He presses the intercom on his desk.

Drell- Marge, get the guys down in ominous warnings to er tweak up the reverb on the word terrible. Terrible.

There’s a little bit there.

Drell- (Cont.) Ter-rible!

The echo effect is a bit better.

Drell- (Cont.) TER-R-R-IBLE-LE,-LE-le-le…Oh that’s nice.

It sounds like it’s come straight from the crypt. He presses the intercom again.

Drell- (Cont.) Thank you Marge. (To the Spellman’s) Now that was Marge’s mistake.

He points towards the outer office, the three witches duck as Marge in the outer office explodes with a scream blowing the door open.

Drell- (Cont.) And now back to yours. Now the football injury and the class elections have no global consequences. You can mess with your pimply, pubescent, peers all you want. Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy and reek havoc on MY T bills. Now are you gonna fix this or…

He holds up a cut little cat collar with a bell on it.

Drell- (Cont.) …should I give Salem a little, blonde kitty friend?

Sabrina- No, I can fix it. I mean, I just have to erase the knowledge right? I don’t have to destroy Mr. Pool.

Drell- You’ve got a day. That’s twenty-three hours to solve the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post. Ha-ha-ha-ha! go on, go get outa here!

They jump up and hurry out.

Drell- (Cont.) Oh, except you Hilda. Why don’t you er stay a moment?

He sits back in his chair and flips his hair back giving Hilda his sexy look.

Int. Drell’s outer office. Zelda and Sabrina enter,

Sabrina- That’s it, I’m never going to help anyone ever again. He’s just trying to scare me right?

Zelda- Oh look, Marge’s teeth.

Sabrina- I’ve gotta go find Mr. Pool!

Hilda comes out of Drell’s office with a smile on her face.

Hilda- Let’s go.

Zelda- What was that all about?

Hilda- Oh, he asked me out. I turned him down and Sabrina, now you only have sixteen hours. Sorry.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina runs down and catches Principle Larue as he comes out of the teachers lounge.

Sabrina- Excuse me, is Mr. Pool in there?

Principle Larue- You mean the guy who thinks he’s too good to wash my car now? No, I haven’t seen him.

Just then Mr. Pool comes down the hall whistling and straightening his tie. Principle Larue checks out his new suit as he passes and Sabrina turns to see.

Sabrina- Mr. Pool, there you are. I am so happy to see you.

Mr. Pool- Happy to see you too my little coupon picker-upper. Come on and walk me to class. Hey, look what I just got.

He pulls a black box from his suit pocket.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) It’s a digital personal assistant, watch this.

He pulls out a stylus and writes on the screen of the box.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) I just sent myself a fax.

Sabrina- Well I know you’re really happy with your money but you know easy come easy go.

She’s about to point at him as he continues to play with his new toy but he turns to her suddenly making her hold her fire.

Mr. Pool- Oh did I tell ya? I’m funding a grant. It’s called Eugene Pool award for burned out teachers. Healing begins now.

Sabrina- That’s a beautiful dream.

She makes ready with the finger once more.

Mr. Pool- Oh man, I just wish everybody could be as happy as I am.

Sabrina- Mr. Pool!

Mr. Pool- Hm?

She just can’t bring herself to ruin his happy mood.

Sabrina- Just enjoy the next forty minutes.

Mr. Pool- Of course, it’s time for science.

Int. Science class.

Mr. Pool- Aerobic respiration is correct! Well done Timmy, here you go.

He tosses a gold nugget up behind his back and flips it over to the boy who answered the question. Everyone applauds the toss and the catch.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) And remember everyone. You should learn for the sake of learning and not just for gold.

Sabrina checks her watch. Only a couple of minutes to her deadline, she can’t put it off much longer.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Well that’s my last lump for now, I’ll just make some more up tonight.

He taps his head with his finger.

Mr. Pool- (Cont. to himself) Oh you’ve got it wired up here.

Sabrina winces as she points and Mr. Pool starts to tap his head harder then knock on it with his fist as his expression changes from a happy smile to desperate horror.

Mr. Pool- No! No! It’s gone! I’ve lost it! I never wrote it down! Oh this is a ter-rible thing. <Sob, sob, sob>

Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina sits alone feeling depressed. Jenny enters looking very chipper.

Jenny- Hi Sabrina. (she sits) You look bummed.

Sabrina- Yeah, like everyone else.

Jenny- Oh I’m not bummed, I made my peace with the universal meatloaf.

Sabrina- Really?

Jenny- Yeah, watch. (Standing, to all) Can I have your attention! I just wanted to say that I ran for president because I thought the job was about more than dances and lunch food. I was wrong so I think you’ll be better off with Libby.

Libby looks stunned for a moment as everyone applauds but soon recovers.

Libby- I’m in control? Yes! And I am one step closer to the Whitehouse.

Sabrina- (To Jenny) Nice speech. So you’re happy?

Jenny- Very, I’d much rather be jaded than naive.

Sabrina- Who wouldn’t?

Jenny leaves as Harvey comes over still sporting his sling.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina, you know when you were feeling sorry for me yesterday?

Sabrina- You mean in that blameless third party sort of way?

Harvey- Well you should know that since I’ve been injured I’ve been having a lot of fun. I’m reading more, I’m writing more, I even think my grades are going to improve.

Sabrina- Wow! So this sitting around thing is really working for you.

Harvey- Yeah, I’m super happy not playing football, just don’t tell my dad.

Int. Science class. Mr. Pool is still desperately trying to remember the lead into gold formula. He writes frantically on the chalk board.

Mr. Pool- ‘A’ equals ‘A’. Of course ‘A’ equals ‘A’, it’s obvious, it doesn’t need to be stated. ‘B’…

Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Mr. Pool?

Mr. Pool- What! Oh it’s you.

Sabrina- Do you have a minute?

Mr. Pool- Yes, a lifetime of them and now they’re going by very slowly.

Sabrina- Y’know I was just thinking that Jenny’s happier not being class president and Harvey’s happier not starting in the football team and, well it made me think that maybe you’ll be happier not being rich.

Mr. Pool- Hm, happier not being rich? Are you nuts! Being rich is everything I ever dreamed of and now it’s gone, it’s all gone.

He grabs his briefcase from the desk and once again the handle comes away dumping his stuff all over the floor.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Not again! Sabrina, could you help me?

He gets down on his knees and starts to pick up the papers and coupons.

Sabrina- I’m sorry Mr. Pool, I’m not supposed to help anyone.

Mr. Pool looks up at her looking so sad she can’t just leave him.

Sabrina- (Cont.) But I guess one last time wont hurt.

She gets down to help.

Mr. Pool- Oh why couldn’t somebody just destroy me.

Sabrina- It can’t be that bad. I have a feeling thing’s’ll get better real soon, and who knows, maybe you’ll find a new briefcase.

Mr. Pool- Yeah, right.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the science class room and does her magic little pointing thing leaving a brand new kid leather briefcase with the monogram E. P. on it outside the classroom door. It’s finishing touch, a pink ribbon bow. She leaves as Principle Larue comes down the hallway and does a double take when he spots the case. He looks up and down the hallway, picks up the case, inspects it, rips the bow off and stuffs the ribbon in his pocket and walks off with the case whistling.

Int. School hallway later. Principle Larue comes out of the teachers lounge with his new briefcase.

Run credits.

Mr. Pool catches him in the hall with his own case under his arm stuck together with duct tape.

Mr. Pool- Steve! Ah, sir?

Principle Larue- What is it Pool?

Mr. Pool- I-I-I was wondering, er, if I came by on Saturday if maybe I could… wash your car?

Principle Larue- So! Mr. Rockafeller wants to wash my car. Y’know the only problem is I’ve found a fifteen year old who’ll do it for two bucks cheaper.

Mr. Pool- I can beat that, I’m having a back in the same old rut special.

Principle Larue- Well I guess I’ll see you Saturday.

Mr. Pool- Oh great!

Principle Larue leaves.

Mr. Pool- (Calling after) And er by the way, that’s a beautiful briefcase.

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

The True Adventures of Rudy Kazootie

Written By – Renee Phillips & Carrie Honigblum
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Mr. Pool – Paul Feig
Randy Travis – Randy Travis
Eddie Cibrian – Eddie Cibrian
Big Rudy – Frank Conniff
Carol – Beth Kennedy
Jerry – Jim Hanks
Commentator – Geoff Witcher
Girl – Diana Theodore

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are passing a warm sunny afternoon in the time honoured tradition of the terminally bored. They’re doing a jigsaw puzzle.

Hilda- I need a piece of sky with a smidge of smoke and a slightly bulbous doohickey.

Zelda- Here you go.

She hands the piece to Hilda and she fits it in the puzzle.

Hilda- You know it’s funny but when you live a thousand years, jigsaw puzzles don’t seem like such a waste of time.

Sabrina enters via the back door.

Sabrina- Hey I’m home. Wow, you guys haven’t moved since I left this morning.

Zelda- Hi Sabrina, how was school?

Sabrina- Great! Libby dropped her tray at lunch for the third day in a row. I’m getting really good at that.

She heads for the freezer as Hilda gives her a thumbs up for that and fits another piece into the puzzle. She stands.

Hilda- Yes! Now you can read Hindenberg.

Sabrina opens the freezer, but the freezer is bare.

Sabrina- There’s nothing in the freezer, we’re all out of ice-cream.

Hilda- Aren’t you forgetting something?

Sabrina- I know. I’m not supposed to eat sweets before dinner.

Hilda- No, we’re witches. (She points at the freezer.) Dig in.

Sabrina opens the freezer again to find it full to bursting with a fast variety of flavoured ice-creams.

Sabrina- Cool! Do you want some?

Hilda- Of course.

She reaches in for a tub of strawberry ripple and has to snatch her hand back quickly as the door swings shut again. Sabrina and Hilda turn round to see Zelda’s finger out of it’s holster.

Zelda- And you shouldn’t eat sweets before dinner.

Run opening credits.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem is lay on Sabrina’s bed as she thumbs through her magic book for a specific spell.

Sabrina- Rollerblades. Why can’t I find a spell for Rollerblades? Salem help me, it’s like you don’t care.

Salem- Oh I care. I care deeply about your… What was it?

Sabrina- Rollerblades.

Salem- Did you check under sporting goods?

Sabrina- Oh. (Reading) ‘Sporting events, to win, lose or tie’ Huh! that’s all you have to do to influence the game?

She bobs her fist up and down beside her ear twice then points.

Sabrina- Easy.

Salem- Hey, don’t mess around with that unless you give me time to call my bookie.

Sabrina- Here we go. (Reading) ‘Sporting goods’ they have inline skates. Okay, I need an old shoe box.

She roots one out from under her bed.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘A gift from a quick footed animal.’

She deftly plucks one of Salem’s whiskers.

Salem- Aw! That wasn’t a gift.

She puts the whisker in the box.

Sabrina- Okay, here goes. Come on Rolleblades.

She points at the box and it expands getting a picture of a pair of Rollerblades on it.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Yes! It worked. I made… Rollerblaws?

Hilda arrives at the door.

Hilda- Sabrina, d’ya want some breakfast?

Sabrina- No thanks, I’ll be out Rollerblawing.

Hilda- What’s wrong?

Salem- She wanted inline skates but she wanted a brand name.

Hilda- Oh you can’t do that. We have strict copyright laws ever since the seventies when witches way over did the Gucci.

Salem- You can still get decent knock off’s from the Hong Kong witches.

Sabrina- Look, I don’t care about labels. It’s just Rollerblaws aren’t the same, I mean even the kid on the box isn’t having any fun.

Hilda- Well then there’s only one thing to do.

Sabrina- You’ll buy me Rollerblades?

Hilda- No, you’ll get a job like the rest of us.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina checks out the notice board for any job opportunities along with another girl.

Sabrina- Baby-sitter needed, triplets.

Girl- It’s been up there for years.

Sabrina- Oh here’s one, earn money watching TV.

She reaches for the card but the other girl is quicker and snatches it from the board before Sabrina’s halfway there.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey, that was mine!

Girl- You’ve got to be more aggressive in this job market.

The girl turns and leaves as another girl comes looking for a bit of spending money.

Sabrina- Oh here’s another baby-sitting job and just one kid.

The girl beside her sees the add too and reaches for it but this time Sabrina’s like greased lightning and beats her easily.

Int. School hallway later. Sabrina’s on the pay-phone talking to her potential employer, Carol. She’s at home where she has been a virtual prisoner for the last year, watching over her son Rudy. He’s at that age were he’s toddling around getting into everything and leaving toys strewn around the house. He’s a full time job and then some.

Sabrina- I’m very responsible and I love children, I even was one.

Carol- Tonight? Can you start tonight?

Sabrina- Tonight? Ah I guess I could.

Carol- (To Rudy) Not so fast now, you’re gonna fall down honey. (To Sabrina) No this is really great, I really appreciate this. My husband and I never get out.

The school bell rings.

Sabrina- Oh, I really should get to class.

Carol- Wait! Don’t go please, I need adult conversation! What’s happening in the world?

Sabrina- Well look, I’ll see you tonight and in the mean time you can watch MTV news.

She hangs up and hurries off to class.

Int. Science class.

Mr. Pool- Now cells reproduce by mitosis.

Sabrina slips in late after being on the phone and tries to sneak to her desk without being seen but even with his back to the class Mr. Pool has that sixth sense that all teachers seem to possess.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Thank you for joining us Miss Spellman. I was just about to tell the class what mitosis is, do you know?

Sabrina- It’s a… science thing?

Mr. Pool- Listen closely, you just might learn something.

Sabrina sits and gets her books out.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Mitosis is a process in which…

Int. Science class, later.

Mr. Pool- …And there you have it in a zygote.

The bell rings and everyone starts packing up their stuff.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) All right, er since we’ve covered so much material today I’m going to move the test up to tomorrow. Have fun studying.

Harvey- But Mr. Pool, tonight’s game four of the world series!

Mr. Pool- No, really? Well since I’ll be stuck here hosting parents’ night I guess we’ll all be missing the series together. Vindictive? Perhaps but it’s what gets me through the day.

Int. School hallway. Harvey catches up with Sabrina.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina. My hand kind of cramped up after ‘Mitosis is’, so I was wondering if maybe we could get together and study tonight?

Sabrina- You and me?

Harvey- That’s what ‘we’ means.

Sabrina- Yeah sure. Oh wait I can’t, I’m baby-sitting tonight but I bet you could come over. They’re desperate.

Harvey- So, cool?

Sabrina- Yeah cool!

Harvey- Cool!

Harvey leaves and Sabrina makes an ecstatic little gesture mouthing Yes!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda takes her coat from the peg and shouts up the stairs.

Zelda- Hilda hurry up, we’ve got to go.

Salem- I still don’t understand why I can’t go to parents’ night with you.

Zelda- Because Salem, it’s weird enough that we’re two sisters who live together in an old Victorian house. If we show up with a cat we cross the line into Loonyville.

Hilda comes down the stairs.

Hilda- Zelda feel my head, I think I have a fever. I can’t go to school.

Zelda- It’s just parents’ night.

Hilda- But I hate school. Oh my stomach hurts.

Zelda- Oh grow up, and don’t try making it snow.

Sabrina- Hey it’s just started snowing and it’s really coming down.

she’s just come down ready to go baby-sitting.

Zelda- Hilda!

Hilda- Okay! Okay!

She makes a gesture with her hand and the snow stops, Having three witches in town really makes the Westbridge weather services job a bitch.

Hilda- (Cont.) It’s stopped, there. No one was hurt.

There’s a screech of brakes, Sabrina glances out of the window.

Sabrina- Well I’m off to my job.

Zelda- You’re all dressed up.

Sabrina- Yeah well, I want to make a good impression on the baby… and Harvey’s gonna be there.

Zelda- Oh!

Sabrina- Don’t ‘Oh!’ We have a study date.

Hilda- Hu-hu!

Sabrina- Don’t ‘Hu-hu!’ We have a test.

Salem- Hm-hm!

Sabrina- Don’t you start! Look it’s no big deal, I mean Harvey could have asked anyone to study with him.

She walks to the door with her bag and coat, turns and smiles.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Of course he did ask me. Gotta go!

She leaves. Zelda gets Hilda’s coat from the peg and hands it to her. Hilda looks sick and groans.

Int. Carol and Jerry’s house. Carol is showing Sabrina where everything is. She comes down the stairs to the living room carrying Rudy and points to the kitchen.

Carol- His baba’s are in the fridge.

Sabrina- Fridge; baba. Got it.

Carol- And I’m so sorry there’s not much food for you and your friend Harvey to snack on.

Sabrina- Oh I’m sure I’ll be able to whip something up.

Carols husband, Jerry comes out of dining room with his coat on and carrying Carol’s.

Jerry- Let’s go.

Carol- Um yeah,

Sabrina reaches to take Rudy from her but Carol holds him with one arm as she slips her coat on.

Carol- (Cont.) If he gets fussy or anything, just try reading him ‘Goodnight Moon’ and also you’ll always get a big smile out of him if you call him Rudy Kazootie or more formally, Mr. Kazootie.

Jerry is at the door gesturing for Carol to come on.

Carol- (Cont.) Okay, there’s his baby monitor and here are his Tookies.

Jerry- (To Sabrina) See why we have to get out?

Carol- Now we won’t be late and you call if you need anything.

Sabrina- Right.

Jerry opens the door and Carol leaves. Jerry remains holding the door and Carol’s hand bag and after a few moments Carol returns.

Carol- I guess you’ll need this.

She hands Rudy over to Sabrina and leaves again. Jerry follows her this time still holding her handbag. Sabrina sits with Rudy on her lap.

Sabrina- So Mr. Kazootie, what should we play first huh? Crazy eggs?

Int. Carol and Jerry’s living room, later. Rudy is tucked up in his cot upstairs, Sabrina answers the door, it’s Harvey.

Sabrina- Hi, you found it.

Harvey- Yeah, you should have just said it’s the house with the flying duck on the mailbox.

Sabrina- You really notice mailboxes don’t you?

Harvey- Yeah. So how’s the baby-sitting?

Sabrina- Excellent. The baby’s asleep, so it’s just the two of us. Not that I planned it that way it’s just, y’know the baby was really tired so. Hey look, they’ve got a TV.

Harvey- Yeah I bet the world series would look great on that but I came here to study.

Sabrina- Right. So er, let’s study.

They settle down on the settee together, each at opposite ends.

Harvey- Except my notes aren’t very good.

Sabrina- Oh, we can work off my notes.

She opens her loose leaf folder and hutches nearer the middle of the settee.

Harvey- Okay.

He hutches nearer also so he can see her notes.

Harvey- (Cont.) Mitosis is…? Mitosis is…?

Sabrina is suddenly very conscious of how close they are siting and sneaks little glances at Harvey.

Harvey- (Cont.) You know studying makes me hungry.

Sabrina- Yeah me too. I’ll go see what I can dig up.

She passes him the notebook and goes to the kitchen, in a very short time she’s back.

Sabrina- I’ve found all kinds of great stuff. It’s er, not brand name but I’m sure it tastes fine.

She hands over a selection of candies and puts some cans of soda on the coffee table.

Harvey- (Reading the wrappers) ‘Schnickers’? ‘N and N’s’? ‘Butterthumb’? Where do these people shop?

Sabrina- I don’t know but if you’re thirsty there’s ‘Popsi’

Harvey- Do they have ‘You-hoo’?

Sabrina- No, but they have ‘Hey, over here’

Harvey- I think I’ll just have a diet Popsi.

She hands him his soda and reaches for her note book.

Sabrina- So should we get back to studying?

Harvey- Yeah. Mitosis is…?

There’s a wail from the baby monitor on Sabrina’s belt.

Sabrina- Baby needs me, be right back.

She runs upstairs as Harvey sits back, picks up the remote and turns on the TV.

Int. Rudy’s room. He’s stood up holding onto the sides of his cot when Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Rudy, it’s okay.

She bends down and picks up a book from inside the cot.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look your favourite book, ‘Goodnight Moon’

She opens the front page.

Sabrina- (Reading) ‘Hello moon’

She thumbs through to the back page.

Sabrina- (Cont.) ‘Goodnight moon’ That was a good book huh? Come on Rudy, be a pal. Harvey and I have a study date and don’t ‘Oh!’ or ‘Hu-hu!’ although I do sorta think he’s cute and… I don’t know why I’m telling you but enjoy your book.

She leaves Rudy playing with the book.

Int. Living room. Harvey’s sat watching the world series.

Commentator- And another quiet innings comes to an end.

Sabrina comes down the stairs.

Sabrina- The babys’ fine.

Harvey quickly clicks off the TV.

Harvey- I was just checking the score.

Sabrina- You’re really into baseball huh?

Harvey- Yeah but sports aren’t my only interest. I don’t tell a lot of people this but someday I want to be a dentist.

Sabrina- A dentist, that’s great. Who doesn’t love the dentist?

Harvey- And I’ve noticed that you have really good teeth.

Sabrina- I do?

Harvey- Yeah, but that’s not a professional opinion; that’s just me.

Rudy makes his presence felt once more over the baby monitor.

Sabrina- Oh, excuse me. Gotta go to work.

She jumps up and heads upstairs once more. Harvey clicks the TV back on and settles back.

Commentator- And welcome back to the world series.

Int. Rudy’s room. Rudy’s a little cranky as Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Oh it’s okay Mr. Kazootie.

She picks him up out of the cot to comfort him.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Come here, don’t be sad. Come here, big boys don’t cry.

She walks back and forth rubbing his back and rocking him.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Come on, be a big boy, be a big boy, be a big boy.

It’s working as Rudy quiets

Sabrina- (Cont.) That’s better.

She puts him back in his cot and leaves. Rudy picks up his baba and sucks on it as something very strange begins to happen.

Int. Living room. Harvey’s watching the game as Sabrina returns.

Commentator- We go to the bottom of the ninth in a yawner. Somebody do something.

Sabrina- Well the babys’ got his bottle now.

Harvey clicks off the TV.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Should we get back to mitosis is?

Harvey- Yeah, right. I mean the test is tomorrow, I really gotta focus. Mitosis is…?

There’s a loud thump from upstairs.

Sabrina- What was that?

Harvey- Better go check the baby.

Sabrina jumps up once more and rushes up stairs.

Sabrina- I’m coming Rudy.

Harvey smiles and click the TV back on.

Int. Rudy’s room. Sabrina rushes in. Rudy’s still in his cot and is still a chubby blonde only he’s no longer a little boy, he’s a very big boy.

Sabrina- What happened? Oh my god Rudy, is that you?

Rudy- Baba.

Sabrina- Oh Mr. Kazootie!

Rudy laughs.

Sabrina- (Cont.) What have I done? I’m in so much trouble, I broke the baby!

Rudy- Baba!

Sabrina- We have to undo this. Okay, presto change-o, go back to normal.

She points at Rudy but her magic has no effect.

Rudy- Baba.

Sabrina- Go back to normal!

Rudy- Baba!

Sabrina- Urr! Not even close.

She reaches into the bottom of the cot and gives Rudy his bottle.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Here’s you baba.

She watches an apparently thirty-five year old looking man sat naked under a blanket suck on his baba.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh this is so creepy. We’ve gotta get help.

Rudy starts to lift up his blanket.

Rudy- Blanky?

Sabrina- No! You’d better keep your blanky until after we get you dressed.

Int. Living room. Harvey’s become bored with the yawner and wonders what’s keeping Sabrina. He starts to go up the stairs.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina, you need some help?

Sabrina comes down and they meet in the middle.

Sabrina- No, everything’s fine. Er, why don’t you watch the game.

Harvey- It’s one strike from the end, unless this guy knocks one out it’s over.

Sabrina- Hey look!

When Harvey turns to look at the TV Sabrina quickly shakes her fist by her ears and points at it.

Commentator- It’s a home run!

Harvey- Unbelievable!

He dashes back down the stairs to the settee.

Commentator- Folks, we’re going into extra innings.

Sabrina runs back up stairs.

Int. Rudy’s room. Sabrina is just finishing getting Rudy dressed. She’s struggling getting his arm in the sleeve of his jacket.

Sabrina- You could help a little.

Rudy- Nose.

He grabs at Sabrina’s nose.

Sabrina- Aw! That’s not helping. Okay, there. Now just don’t spit up on your dads suit jacket okay, go.

Sabrina stands and Rudy reaches up to her.

Rudy- Up. Up.

She looks down at his two hundred plus pounds.

Sabrina- You’ve gotta be kidding me.

The phone comes to the rescue of her back by ringing.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Gotta get the phone.

Int. Custer’s Steakhouse. Jerry’s on the pay phone, Carol’s stood anxiously beside him.

Carol- Did she answer yet?

Jerry- Am I talking? (To Sabrina, on phone) Oh hi Sabrina. Yeah it’s Jerry, Rudy’s dad.

Carol- Is he okay? Ask her if he’s okay.

Jerry- (To Carol) I know what to ask. (To Sabrina) Is he okay?

Sabrina- Yeah, Rudy’s having a real good time, he’s riding his banana right now. How’s your dinner?

Jerry- Well they were a little late in seeing us.

Sabrina- Really?

Jerry- But since we got a table they’ve been rushing the heck out of us.

Sabrina- Oh don’t let them. You’re there to relax, take all the time you want.

Jerry- Well that’s very sweet of you Sabrina. Well we were just checking in, so we’ll see you soon. Hm?… Okay not too soon. Right. Bye.

He hangs up.

Jerry- (To Carol) See, everything’s fine.

Carol- I’m sorry. It’s just been such a weird day. I mean you almost went off the road in that freak snow storm and now I just have the funniest feeling.

Jerry- Stop with the feelings.

Int. Living room. Harvey still watching the game, Sabrina comes a little way down the stairs.

Sabrina- Harvey, I’m er going to walk the baby. You stay here and watch the game okay?

Harvey- Okay but it’s almost over. Only a grand slam would tie it.

Sabrina does her shaky pointy thing.

Commentator- He got a hold o’ that one, it’s up…

As Harvey sits engrossed by the action Sabrina leads the six foot three toddler down the stairs and out of the house.

Commentator- …It’s hanging there… It could be… It might be… It’s a grand slam!

Harvey- Alright!

Commentator- There’s magic in the air.

Int. Westbridge High School parents’ night. The parents are sat where the students normally sit in the science class room and Mr. Pool starts off the way he always starts off with a new class, he writes his name on the chalkboard.

Mr. Pool- Welcome parents’, I’m Mr. Pool. You may look at me, a man in his prime, and wonder why is he teaching high school biology. Well it’s because I believe that science is the foundation upon which we build our future. That and I tanked my MCAT’s.

Zelda- (To Hilda) Mr. Pool is cute.

Hilda- You have got to get out more.

Zelda- I wonder if he’s single.

Mr. Pool- Excuse me. Er, is there something you’d like to share with the rest of the class?

Hilda- I need to go to the nurse.

Mr. Pool- Er is there a problem…

He check the name tag she’s wearing.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Mrs. Spellman?

Hilda- Yes, it’s my tummy…

Zelda- (Interrupting) No, she’s fine and it’s Miss Spellman.

Mr. Pool- Who are you?

Zelda- Oh I’m also Miss Spellman. We’re Sabrina’s aunts, Sisters, not-not an alternative couple.

Mr. Pool- So you’re er single?

Zelda- Yes, and you?

Mr. Pool- Extremely.

They look adoringly into each others eyes.

Hilda- Now I really am gonna throw up.

Int. Spellman kitchen. It’s empty. Sabrina enters leading Rudy by the hand.

Rudy- La-la-la-la.

Sabrina- Okay just sit there.

She pulls out a chair at the table and settles the baby in it then hands him the ‘Goodnight Moon’ book.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Okay, here you can read your book.

He tries to stuff the book completely into his mouth.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Or just chew on it.

With Rudy occupied she nips into the dining room.

Int. Spellman dining room. Salem is on the table playing with and attacking a small orange ball of yarn.

Salem- Yes! Yes!

Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Salem, what are you doing?

Salem- Er nothing.

Sabrina- It looks like you’re playing with a ball of yarn.

Salem- I have urges, Sabrina.

Sabrina- Look, can we deal with your issues later, I’ve got a bigger problem.

She picks him up and heads for the kitchen.

Salem- My yarn!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Rudy’s playing with his book laughing as Sabrina enters with Salem.

Sabrina- Okay, now what do I do about this?

Salem- Dear lord! You picked up a guy at the bus station!

Sabrina- No, it’s the baby I’m baby-sitting for. He’s fourteen months old, something happened to him.

Salem- Do I smell teen witchery?

Sabrina- Salem you’ve gotta help me. We’ve gotta change him back before his parents come home and prosecute.

Salem- What d’you want me to do? I’m a cat, go talk to your aunts.

Sabrina- They’re at my school, I can’t bring him there. Can you watch him?

Salem- I suppose.

Sabrina- Thanks, I owe you one.

She puts Salem down on the table, Rudy immediately reaches for him.

Rudy- Horsey! Ride Horsey!

Salem- Get him off me! Get him off of me!

He slips out of the baby’s hands and escapes into the dining room.

Int. Westbridge High School Science class room. All the other parents have left, only Mr. Pool and the Spellman sisters remain. Hilda’s gone to sit by herself as Zelda and Mr. Pool chat one another up.

Zelda- What an amusing Anna and Mary Platt story Mr. Pool.

Mr. Pool- Really? I’ve told it a thousand times, no one’s ever gotten it.

Zelda- Fools.

Mr. Pool- Huh.

Zelda- You know, we should exchange E-mail. What’s your address?

Mr. Pool- Er me? I’m on quicknet. My er, screen name is Biostud.

Zelda- You’re Biostud? I’m Chem-kitten.

Mr. Pool- Oh, didn’t we meet in a chat room and discuss poly vinyl chlorides?

Zelda- Yes, and you are very naughty.

Mr. Pool- Well ha.

Hilda stands up and starts writing in the air with her finger.

Hilda- L-O-S-E-R,

As she writes the chalk copies her movements on the chalkboard and finishes with a curly arrow pointing to Mr. Pool.

Hilda- (Cont.) Loser!

The chalk drops when she’s finished and Mr. Pool turns round at the noise to see what’s written there. As he wonders who wrote it Sabrina opens the classroom door and unobtrusively tries to get her aunts attention.

Hilda- Hey Sabrina.

Well that didn’t work.

Mr. Pool- Sabrina! What are you doing at parents’ night?

Sabrina- Nothing, I just er…

Mr. Pool opens the door wide and sees Rudy’s with her.

Mr. Pool- Oh I see you’ve brought your father.

Rudy enters and spots a planet mobile hanging from the ceiling.

Rudy- Moon.

Sabrina- Oh don’t play with that… dad.

Mr. Pool- Er, it’s nice to meet you Mr. Spellman.

Rudy pays him no notice as he continues to play with the mobile.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Er, Mr. Spellman?

Sabrina- Actually y’know, he likes to be called Mr. Kazootie.

Mr. Pool- Mr. Kazootie?

Sabrina- Yeah, that’s our real name. It’s Scottish, you can…

Mr. Pool- (Interrupting) I’m Scottish too. (To Rudy) And I know now’t of the clan Kazootie, Ah be ye a highlander?

Rudy blows him a raspberry.

Sabrina- Oh, we’re lowlanders.

Mr. Pool- Is your dad okay Sabrina?

He checks his watch.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Oh darn, gotta go and work the bake sale. (To Zelda) It’s a er prestige thing.

Zelda- Oh, you do it all don’t you?

Zelda waves and Mr. Pool heads for the door.

Rudy- Bye bye.

Sabrina- Bye bye.

Mr. Pool- Ah yes, Bye bye to all of you.

He leaves and Sabrina closes the door.

Hilda- I thought you were supposed to be baby-sitting?

Sabrina- I am, that’s him.

Hilda- That’s the little baby?

Rudy- Funny clown.

Hilda- Watch it!

Sabrina- Look I’m desperate, you guys have to help me. Okay. Rudy’s parents are going to be back really soon and I think they might notice they missed a big moment in their son’s life.

Zelda- Well obviously you’ve cast some kind of spell, so all you have to do is reverse it.

Sabrina- Well I didn’t mean to cast a spell. This magic ruins everything, y’know he’s supposed to be in his crib sucking his thumb and I’m supposed to be studying with Harvey.

Zelda- Oh!

Hilda- Hu-hu!

Sabrina- Stop that, this is serious.

Zelda- Oh calm down Sabrina, just try to figure out exactly what you did.

Sabrina- I don’t know, I don’t remember. Rudy was crying, I picked him up, I said big boys don’t cry and I rubbed his back.

Zelda- Did you say anything else?

Sabrina- I don’t think so.

Rudy- Be a big boy.

Sabrina- He’s right, I said ‘be a big boy’

Zelda- And I bet you said it three times.

Hilda- Oh! Mystery solved. You cast a passion spell.

Sabrina- Passion spell, what’s that?

Hilda- If you want something enough and you say it three times it might just happen.

Zelda- We like to call it a Travis.

Sabrina- Why?

Zelda- Randy Travis. Randy Travis. Randy Travis.

And there beside her appears a slightly bemused Randy Travis.

Hilda- I love this spell.

Randy Travis- What a-What am I doin’ here?

Zelda- Oh we were just illustrating a point for our niece. I hope we haven’t caught you at a bad time.

Randy Travis- No it’s fine. My wife does wonder where I keep popping off to though. Will there be anything else?

Hilda- Maybe later.

Randy Travis- If you need me, you’ll know where to find me. You always do.

He leaves via the door. Hilda growls.

Hilda- Now he is so cute.

Zelda- I love his new album, oh.

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Can we get back to me? What do I do to fix this?

Zelda- Exactly what you did before, three times but in reverse.

Sabrina- This is really weird.

She walks to where Rudy is playing with a model of a brain and rubs his back.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Boy big a be. Boy big a be. Boy big a be.

Rudy chuckles but that’s all that happens.

Rudy- It tickles!

Sabrina- (Cont.) Nothing happened, it didn’t work.

Zelda- It just takes time.

Sabrina- Well his parents are going to be home soon.

Hilda- You’d better hope they have a sense of humour.

Sabrina- Maybe I can blame it on a radio active spider.

She turns to where Rudy was playing.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Let’s go Rudy.

But Rudy’s no longer there, in fact he’s nowhere to be seen in the room and the classroom door is standing open.

Sabrina- Rudy! (To her aunts) Where’s the baby?!

They dash for the door in pursuit.

Int. School hallway. A two hundred pound toddler toddles happily down the hallway.

Rudy- La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…

Past some startled parents and round the corner.

Int. School cafeteria. Mr. Pool’s supervising the bake sale and has an unexpected customer.

Mr. Pool- Ah, it’s on the house, Mr. Travis.

Randy Travis- Well thank you. Does it have nuts?

Mr. Pool- Yes, but you can pick em out.

Randy leaves as Rudy toddles in.

Rudy- La-la-la-la-la.. Tookies!

He runs over to the table with the cakes and brownies on it and grabs a double hand full and stuffs them into his mouth.

Mr. Pool- Hey! Hey! You can’t do that!

Rudy- Mine!

Sabrina and her aunts finally catch up with the runaway child.

Mr. Pool- Mr. Kazootie!

Sabrina- You can see why I changed my name.

Int. Jerry and Carol’s living room. Harvey sits engrossed in front of the TV munching on a schnickers bar.

Commentator- It’s the bottom of the fifteenth. Put an a pot of Java, we could be here all night.

Sabrina comes in with Rudy and ushers him up the stairs, Harvey barely takes his eye from the screen.

Commentator- (Cont.) That’s what’s so great about this ball game.

Harvey- Sabrina, is that you?

Sabrina- Yeah.

Harvey- You are missing a freaky game.

Commentator- Whoa! It moved like it had a string attached to it.

Int. Rudy’s room. Sabrina has got Rudy dressed in a pair of his Dad’s pyjamas and back in his cot.

Sabrina- You’ve had a big night, now let’s go over what I’ve taught you. Rudy, how did you get this way?

Rudy shrugs and smiles.

Sabrina- Good. Okay, now it’s sleepy time.

Rudy- Read me, moon.

Sabrina- I’m too tired, play with your toes. Night.

She leaves closing the door. Rudy settles down with his thumb in his mouth.

Int. Living room. Sabrina comes down.

Sabrina- I could sure use a Popsi. Is the game still on?

Harvey- Yeah. Man, it could go on for ever.

Sabrina shakes her fist and points.

Commentator- And it’s an unassisted triple play! It’s over!

Harvey- Wow!

He click off the TV.

Harvey- (Cont.) You see that’s what’s so great about baseball, anything can happen.

Sabrina- Yeah, yeah, you never know.

Harvey- We really should study now.

He takes the note book and starts to read.

Harvey- (Cont.) Okay, mitosis is…?

Sabrina- (Interrupting) You know, can we take a break, I’m wiped. This baby-sitting is a lot harder than I thought.

Harvey- Sure. I mean we could just sit here and talk.

Sabrina- I’d like that.

Harvey- This is kinda nice.

He edges slightly closer to her on the settee.

Sabrina- Yeah.

She edges a little closer.

Harvey- So.

He edges.

Sabrina- So.

She edges. This could go on for an awful long time but It’s interrupted by the front door opening.

Jerry- We’re home.

Harvey and Sabrina jump up, Harvey flipping open the note book.

Harvey- Mitosis is…?

Sabrina- I didn’t expect you so soon.

Carol- We skipped dessert, I missed my baby so much.

She runs upstairs to Rudy’s room.

Jerry- How much do we owe you? Four dollars an hour?

Sabrina and Harvey quickly gather up their things,

Sabrina- Er actually it’s five but four’ll be fine.

Carol- (OS) Jerry, you’ve gotta come see this.

Sabrina snatches the money from Jerry’s hand.

Sabrina- Er thanks, gotta go!

She hurries out the door with Harvey following. Jerry goes upstairs.

Int. Rudy’s room. Carol stands looking down at her sleeping son in the cot. With the lights out he’s just a bundle under his blanky with blonde hair showing.

Carol- Look at our sweet little angel.

Jerry- They grow so quickly don’t they?

Carol- Oh yeah. Do you ever think about having another?

Jerry- No. We should go now.

They leave quietly as Sabrina’s magic finally starts to take effect and Rudy shrinks back to his normal size in very oversized pyjamas.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are doing another jigsaw puzzle, this time assisted by Randy Travis. A bowl of popcorn is on the table for refreshment.

Randy Travis- I’m looking for a slanty green piece with a funny little waddle.

Hilda- Here you go.

Randy Travis- Thank you.

Zelda- You know you really have a flair for jigsaw puzzles Randy.

Randy Travis- I spend a lot of time on the bus.

Hilda- This is kind of nice though. Popcorn, puzzle, lightly falling snow.

Randy Travis- Yes it’s real nice. Can I go yet?

Zelda and Hilda- (Together) No.

Randy Travis- Okay, I’m looking for a sky blue rhombus with a little puff of clouds. Oh there it is.

Int. Sabrina’s Bedroom. Sabrina is studying for her test, Salem sits on the bed.

Sabrina- Mitosis is…?

But she has something else on her mind.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Salem, I can’t concentrate.

Salem- D’you wanna play Risk?

Sabrina- I’m sick of Risk. Hey, I’ve got a great idea. Salem, I think I hear the can-opener.

Salem- Really! Please be tuna! PLEASE be tuna!

He heads off at a run for the stairs. Sabrina stands up once he’s gone and closes her eyes.

Sabrina- Eddie Cibrian. Eddie Cibrian. Eddie Cibrian.

Sure enough the Travis spell works and Eddie is in Sabrina’s room. He looks about himself puzzled.

Eddie Cibrian- Er what am I doing here? I was just about to pull Hasselhoff out of a burning Corvette.

Sabrina- Oh well you can do that later. Er I was just kinda wondering if you’d turn around for me?

Eddie Cibrian- Sure.

He turns slowly, Sabrina grins happily from ear to ear.

Sabrina- Thanks.

Eddie Cibrian- Is that it?

Sabrina- Yeah, unless you’re into jigsaw puzzles. My aunts are working on one down stairs right now with Randy Travis.

Eddie Cibrian- Hm, sounds like fun. I guess Hasselhoff will have to wait.

He heads down stairs.

Sabrina- Wow, this magic thing isn’t so bad.

She closes her eyes once more.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt.

Int. Westbridge High school Science class. The next day.

Run Credits

Mr. Pool- You have the test, you may commence failing.

Harvey- Mitosis is…? Mitosis is…?

Mr. Pool- (To Harvey) Great game huh Harvey?

Harvey- Yeah, wasn’t it freaky?

Mr. Pool- Freaky? You want freaky? Randy Travis came to parents’ night. Have you met Sabrina’s father? He’s pretty freaky too.

Harvey shakes his head no.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Get back to your test then.

Harvey- Mitosis is…? Mitosis is…?

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Geek Like Me

Written By – Rachel Lipman
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Mr Pool – Paul Feig
Cee Cee – Melissa Murray
Jill – Bridget Flanery
Gordie – Curtis Andersen
Cicero – Mark Fite
Sherman – Henry Hien Cong
Howard – James D. Fields
Matt Sabetti – John Knight

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda’s having a spring clean of the linen closet. Already a set of pink, plastic flamingo garden ornaments have been ditched. Hilda picks one up and caresses it as Zelda drags out a suit of armour.

Zelda- …And we are definitely getting rid of this.

Hilda- My cuirass! Where did you find it? You can’t throw that away.

Zelda- Oh give me a brake Hilda, you haven’t used your cuirass for centuries.

Hilda picks it up and hugs it while Zelda goes back into the closet.

Hilda- Oh I’ve just been waiting for it to come back into style.

Zelda- Hm-mm, and when were you going to use this?

Hilda- Oh my mace! Oh remember the good times? Party!

She waves the lethal, spiked, weapon around dancing.

Zelda- Only you would be nostalgic for the dark-ages.

Zelda strains as she pushes the next item out of the closet.

Zelda- (Cont.) I never want to trip over this again.

Hilda- My cannon!

Zelda- Why would you want to keep an instrument of destruction in the house?

Hilda- Sentimental reasons?

Zelda- We don’t have room for all this junk.

Hilda- Junk! You call this junk?

Zelda- Put the mace down. All right, I’ll make you a deal. You have a week, if you use these things you can keep them if not, they go.

Hilda- Fine, I accept because it just so happens that you selected three items that are very useful to me. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to put my cannon away.

She bends down and pushes the heavy artillery across the landing were it just happens to be pointing at Sabrina’s bedroom door as it opens.

Sabrina- Okay! Okay! I’ll clean my room.

Hilda- (To Zelda) See? I told you it was useful.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School Biology class. Mr. Pool is holding up a scull and waggling the jaw.

Mr. Pool- …And the best way to remember it is, mandible has a ‘B’ and that stands for bottom.

Harvey turns round to Sabrina.

Harvey- But how do we remember maxilla?

Sabrina- It’s the other one.

The school bell rings and the kids start packing up their stuff.

Mr. Pool- Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Er before you bolt, Gordie has a very important announcement that just might change your lives. Take it away.

Gordie stands up at the front of the class and pulls out a piece of paper.

Gordie- (Reading) Okay, in fifteen eighty-one Galileo began….

Mr. Pool- (Interrupting) Make it quick Gordie.

Gordie- Jumping to the end of the millennium, the Science Club will be meeting every day after school to celebrate national science week.

Libby- You mean national geek week.

Gordie- We hope you’ll all join us. Any questions?

Libby- Yeah, can we get outa here?

Gordie- Sure. Oh, sign up early, win a ham.

Mr. Pool- (To Gordie) It’s a tough room, Gordie. Believe me, I know.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina’s at her locker, Jenny’s with her. Gordie’s having trouble with his locker as Libby and her friends, Jill and Cee Cee, come round the corner in their cheerleading outfits. As they pass Gordie the locker door suddenly becomes un-jammed and hits Gordie on the head.

Libby- Hey Gordie, why don’t you come up with a scientific explanation for why you’re such a loser?

Cee Cee- Wesson head.

Jill- Zit master.

The three cheerleaders walk off down the hallway laughing. Gordie closes his locker and hurries off embarrassed in the opposite direction.

Sabrina- (To Jenny) Poor Gordie, I feel so bad for him.

Jenny- Well he needs to be more in touch with his audience. No one knows or cares what Galileo did in fifteen eighty-one.

Sabrina- He entered the university of Pisa.

Jenny- Sabrina, I didn’t know you were a geek.

Sabrina- I’m not, I just like science. Does that make me a geek?

Jenny- No, I guess not.

Sabrina- And, you know, I’m even thinking of going by the Science Club after school.

Jenny- Okay now that could be a problem.

Sabrina- Why?

Jenny- Because this is high school. If you show passion or enthusiasm for anything you’re doomed. You might as well be wearing a big ‘Kick Me’ sign.

She turns and walks down the hallway, Sabrina follows and surreptitiously pulls the big ‘Kick Me’ sign from Jenny’s back.

Int. School cafeteria. Harvey joins Sabrina and Jenny at their table.

Jenny- Hey Harvey. Help us out, Sabrina’s got a problem.

Harvey- What’s up?

Sabrina- Well I was thinking of joining the Science Club.

Harvey- Really! I didn’t know you were a geek?

Sabrina- I’m not. That’s the problem, I’m afraid everyone will think I am.

Harvey- Well they will.

Jenny- (To Harvey) I explained that we can’t change the whole system just for her.

Sabrina- Well why does everyone have to be stuffed in a category? I mean I don’t get it, look around.

She points to the table where Libby and all her friends sit in their cheerleading outfits.

Sabrina- (Cont.) The cheerleaders only eat with the cheerleaders,

She points to the other side where Gordie and his pals sit in their geek outfits.

Sabrina- (Cont.)The geek’s only eat with the geek’s. I just don’t want to be labelled.

Harvey- You have no choice. You have a grace period as a new student but pretty soon you’re going to be stereotyped.

Sabrina- Well what are you guys?

Harvey- Well I’m a quasi-jock with semi-literary aspirations and a hint of denialism.

Sabrina- If only it was that simple for me. Jenny, what are you?

Jenny- I tried to be an outsider but I didn’t really fit in. Now Libby calls me a freak and I’m okay with that.

Sabrina- Well why can’t I just be me?

Harvey- That’s a pretty small group.

Suddenly the cheerleaders table springs into energetic life as Libby leads the girls in a cheer waving her pom-pom’s .

Libby- We’ve got spirit,

The rest jump up and join in.

Cheerleaders- Let’s hear it.

They all move into position and start kicking and dancing, Pom-pom’s shake everywhere.

Cheerleaders- Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!

Sabrina- (To Harvey and Jenny) I think we should take her advice and just go.

Libby- It’s spirit week at Westbridge, we’re playing Eastbridge this weekend and we’re number one.

Harvey- Yeah, in turn overs and penalties.

Libby- We’ll be wearing our uniforms every day this week and leading cheers at lunch reminding you to support our team. Ready?

Cheerleaders- Okay! East meets West and we know who’s the best. Whoooo!

Sabrina- I don’t get it. I mean to me that looks geeky. How can she do that and still be so popular?

Jenny- Libby’s not popular, she’s powerful.

Sabrina- Well how did she get the power?

Jenny- She seized it and as long as there are people backing her up she’ll keep it, it’s all very Stalin.

Harvey- I don’t know what you guys are talking about, Libby’s always been nice to me.

Sabrina- I’m going to get more tatter-tots.

Harvey- I’ll go with you.

They get up and head for the serving area passing Libby. Harvey carries on round the corner but Sabrina stops to watch Libby’s Finale.

Libby- See you tomorrow. We’re number one.

She throws up her arm and turns… right into Gordie who’s taking his tray to the waste bin. The tray and everything on it clatters to the floor.

Libby- Watch where you’re going geek! You got my uniform wet.

Gordie- I’m sorry.

Libby- Oh you are so transferred.

Sabrina- Libby, lay off him. It was an accident.

Libby- It’s just like a freak to defend a geek. Maybe the two of you can get weekend jobs at the carnival.

Libby walks off passing Harvey as he returns, She smiles at him.

Libby- (Cont.) Hi Harvey.

Harvey- Hi.

Libby continues out of the cafeteria, Harvey joins Sabrina.

Harvey- (Cont.) See? She’s nice.

Int. School hallway. Jenny comes up to Sabrina at her locker.

Jenny- Sabrina, I thought you were going to the Science Club?

Sabrina- I am, in a minute as per our previous discussion.

She points down the hallway where Libby is with her friends. She doesn’t want her finding out.

Jenny- Oh got it. Later.

Jenny leaves.

Int. Science class. The Science Club is getting underway, supervised by Mr. Pool.

Mr. Pool- Well this is a delightful turn out. Five, the same as last year which means none of you were killed at summer camp. Ha ha.

The five members of the Science Club look at one another, not getting it.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) Okay, er I see Sherman’s sporting a new look, did you get contacts?

Sherman- (Squinting) No, someone stole my glasses.

Mr. Pool- All right. Well er let’s begin by discussing the biggest scientific breakthrough in recent months, the possible evidence of life on Mars. Er what does this discovery mean to us?

Five arms shoot up as one.

Mr. Pool- Howard?

Howard- It means that the governments been covering this up for years and that Scully and Mulder are right, the truth is out there!

The rest of the guys agree whole heartedly and volubly.

Mr. Pool- All right, calm down, calm down. Look how many times do we have to go over this? The X files is fiction, Scully and Mulder are played by actors. Oh now come on, don’t get upset.

Sabrina enters a little late due to having to wait for Libby to go.

Sabrina- Hi, is this Science Club?

Mr. Pool- Did you leave something in your desk, Sabrina?

Sabrina- No, I was thinking of joining, unless you’re all filled up.

Mr. Pool- Not at all, everyone’s welcome. Have a seat.

Gordie- (To himself) There’s a girl in Science Club, don’t panic.

Sabrina- Hey, how’s it going?

Gordie- Aherehgh!

Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the science class with Gordie and Sherman. Gordie carries a stack of books.

Sabrina- I never knew a pickle could be used as a light bulb.

Gordie- Oh it’s super-versatile.

The top book slides of the stack onto the floor. Gordie picks it up and they leave.

Sabrina- (Calling after) Bye guys, see you later.

She heads down the hallway in the other direction only to see Libby coming towards her. She quickly back steps to her locker and turns the combination.

Libby- What are you doing here so late? Was there a meeting of the freak society?

Sabrina- Libby why don’t you just….

Mr. Pool- (Passing, to Sabrina) Hey, great having you in Science Club Sabrina. Don’t forget to bring your rock tumbler tomorrow.

Sabrina’s so embarrassed she delves into her locker for her school books so she doesn’t have to face Libby’s scorn.

Libby- You went to Science Club! That is too perfect, you’re a geek in freaks clothing.

Sabrina turns to Libby.

Sabrina- I am not a geek!

In turning so sharply she dislodges one of her books. The top one hits the floor with a loud slap. Both girls look down at it for a moment.

Sabrina- (Cont.) That doesn’t prove anything.

She bends down to pick up the book.

Libby- Oh here let me help you.

She bends down also reaching for the book but as Sabrina’s about to get it she gives it a kick sending it sliding down the hallway.

Libby- (Cont.) See you later… geek.

She walks off laughing.

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda plays the piano. Hilda enters dancing to the music and wearing her cuirass. She spins but the weight of the armour throws her off balance and she staggers sideways.

Hilda- Look it still fits and it’s great for lounging around the house.

Zelda- That doesn’t count as a use.

Hilda- Why not?

Zelda- No one wears metal after labour day.

Sabrina enters from school.

Sabrina- Aunt Hilda, what’s the range on your cannon?

Hilda- I’ll get it, we’ll find out.

Zelda- Hilda! will you please sit down?

Hilda sits clumsily on the settee.

Zelda- (Cont.) Sabrina, a cannon is not a solution for a land based problem.

Zelda and Sabrina watch as Hilda struggles around on the settee to sit upright. Once she achieves an apparently casual and comfortable position she smiles.

Zelda- (Cont.) What’s going on?

Sabrina- Libby caught me coming out of Science Club.

Zelda- You went to Science Club? Oh that’s wonderful.

Sabrina- No, it’s not. Now Libby thinks I’m a complete geek.

Hilda- I knew this would happen, it’s Zelda’s influence. I begged you to watch TV with me so you’d be normal.

Zelda- Oh be quiet.

With a point Zelda adds an essential accessory to Hilda’s armour. A helmet complete with visor.

Hilda- Hey! It’s dark in here.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) Now, it shouldn’t bother you what Libby says.

Sabrina- It shouldn’t but it does. I wanna use my magic to teach Libby a lesson.

Zelda- That sounds very constructive.

Sabrina- I’m going to give her a snout

Hilda raises her visor.

Hilda- Oh good idea!

Zelda flicks her finger in Hilda’s direction and the visor snaps shut again.

Zelda- You need to talk to my friend Cicero, he’s an expert on these matters. Come on, we’ll look him up in the book.

She grabs hold of Sabrina’s hand and drags her off to the stairs.

Zelda- (Cont.) Are you coming Hilda?

Hilda- Yes…

She tries to stand.

Hilda- (Cont.) … No… I can’t. My outfits too heavy… but it’s very useful.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Zelda flips through the magic book while Sabrina watches on.

Sabrina- See, when you said ‘look him up in the book’ I thought you meant phone book.

Zelda- No, magic book. Cicero is figure three-A. He’s one of the ancient geeks. Oh there he is.

In the book is a picture of a man dressed in a roman toga and wearing a laurel wreath. The heavy dark rimmed spectacles are the only things that mark him as a geek.

Zelda- (Cont.) Hello Cicero.

Cicero- There’s a girl looking at me. Mmm, don’t panic.

Zelda- (To Sabrina) Ask him what he’d do, he’s very knowledgeable.

Sabrina- Hey Cicero, I’m Sabrina and I have a question.

Cicero- Ask away but make it quick. If the centurions catch me here it’s a guaranteed swirly in the aqueduct.

Sabrina- Okay. See there’s this girl in my school and she keeps calling me a geek and I really don’t like it.

Cicero- I suggest that you ignore her, okay. Bye bye.

The image of Cicero starts edging towards the edge of the picture.

Sabrina- No wait! I can’t ignore her, no one can ignore her. You’ve gotta help.

Cicero- Well there are two ways to teach her a lesson. The first is to just give her a snout.

Sabrina- (To Zelda) I knew it.

Zelda- (To Cicero) What’s the second.

Cicero- Give her a taste of her own medicine, turn her into a geek. She’ll see how it feels and she’ll learn that it’s what’s inside that really counts.

Sabrina- But how can I do that?

Cicero- A simple spell, just…

He demonstrates, touching the bridge of his nose and then pointing.

Cicero- (Cont.) ..point.

Sabrina- Like this?

She copies his action.

Cicero- Well actually you just have to point. My glasses were slipping.

Zelda- Thank you Cicero, you’ve been a big help.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Gordie manages to hit himself on the head with his locker door again just as Libby passes in her cheerleaders kit.

Libby- Nice move four eyes.

Gordie quickly retreats as Libby opens her locker. Sabrina watches from further down the hall and points at Libby. Libby’s locker door swings open and smacks her on her head. She turns rubbing her forehead just as Jill and Cee Cee come round the corner.

Jill- Hi Libby.

Cee Cee- Are you okay?

Libby- Oh my eye balls have started itching, it must be my contacts. I’ll be right back.

She heads off to the bathroom.

Jill- (To Cee Cee) Libby wears contacts?

School Hallway a little later. Libby walks down the hallway and stops by the drinking fountain. She bends down, takes a drink, straightens up, pushes her glasses back up her nose and wipes the back of her hand across her lips. She goes back to her locker where her friends still wait.

Libby- Much better.

Jill- Oh my god!

Cee Cee- What happened to you? You look totally weird.

Libby- I took my contacts out.

Jill- But what did you do to your hair?

Libby- Oh, well I ran my fingers through it a couple of times. Doesn’t it look shiny?

Cee Cee- More like greasy.

Jill- What’s with the uniform?

Libby- I was cold so I pulled up my socks. It’s function over fashion.

Jill- Since when!

The school bell rings and Libby dives into her locker for her books.

Libby- Oh, the bell! We’ll be late for class.

Jill- We’re always late for class, that’s what we do.

Libby- But we might miss something that’s on a test, come on.

She slams her locker shut and runs to class passing Sabrina along the way. Sabrina’s smiling happily.

Libby- What are you looking at?

Libby hurries on.

Int. School Cafeteria. Sabrina’s sat at a table and sees her friends come from the serving area with their trays.

Sabrina- Hey Harvey, Jenny, over here.

They join her at the table.

Harvey- You look happy.

Jenny- What’s going on?

Sabrina- Oh just a new world order… and butterscotch pudding.

Harvey- Oh boy, butterscotch pudding.

He reaches for a finger full of Sabrina’s but she snatches it back possessively.

At the cheerleaders table only Libby, Jill and Cee Cee are left sitting.

Jill- Hair check, Matt Sabetti’s heading this way.

Libby licks her fingers and flattens her centre parting down as the big senior letterman walks up.

Matt Sabetti- Hi girls.

Jill- Hi.

Libby- Huhuuhuhuh!

Matt gives her a funny look and walks away.

Jill- (To Libby) What was that noise?

Libby- (Coughing) My asthma just kicked in, I need my inhaler.

Cee Cee- Get it later, it’s time to cheer.

They get up and take their positions.

Libby- We’ve got spirit.

She trips and stumbles over a chair leg.

Cheerleaders- Let’s hear it.

Libby- Ready?

She pushes her glasses up her nose and the pom-pom that’s in her hand irritates her nose making her sniff.

Cheerleaders- Okay

The group of cheerleaders lead off to the left, Libby goes to the right

Cheerleaders- East meets West and we know who’s the….

Jill- AW!!

Libby is completely out of sync with the rest of the group and manages to catch Jill in the face with her pom-pom.

Jill- (Cont.) You poked me in the eye.

Cee Cee- Emergency huddle.

The girls all crowd round in the huddle.

Cee Cee- (To Libby) Not you.

Libby- You’re huddling without me! You can’t huddle without me. You can’t exclude me!

Cee Cee- We just did.

Jill- You’re sitting out spirit week, Chessler, you’re a threat to the whole team.

Libby- But where will I go? Who will I sit with?

Cee Cee- I’m sure you’d fit in over there.

Libby looks where Cee Cee had pointed to see the geek’s table were they laugh uproariously at Howard who has two French frys sticking out of his nose.

Libby- I don’t think so.

She turns back to the departing cheerleaders but collides with Matt Sabetti, knocking his tray from his hands.

Matt Sabetti- Watch where you’re going, geek!

Libby- Who do you think you’re talking to? Just because I wear glasses and have asthma and want to do well in school does not mean that I’m a…

Something horrible catches at the back of her throat making her snort.

Libby- (Cont.) Oh no!

She runs from the cafeteria, tripping on the way. Sabrina and the gang have been watching the show and the ever observant Harvey comes to a conclusion.

Harvey- There’s something different about Libby, did she change her hair?

Sabrina decides to do a little cheer of her own.

Sabrina- Ready? okay. It’s spirit week and Libby’s now a geek.

Jenny- People are laughing at Libby. I know it’s mean to say this, but Yes!!

Harvey- Hey, she’s always been nice to me.

Sabrina and Jenny give him an exasperated look.

Sabrina- I’m going to go talk to her.

Jenny- But whatever Libby’s going through doesn’t involve you.

Sabrina- Who said it did? It’s not like I feel responsible, I’m just a really empathetic person. Gotta go.

Int. Girls’ bathroom. Sabrina enters and it appears empty.

Sabrina- Libby?

One of the stall doors is closed but no feet are visible beneath.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I know you’re in here, I can hear you wheezing.

She pushes open the unlocked stall door to reveal Libby squatting on top of the toilet with her inhaler.

Libby- What do you want?

Sabrina- I just came to talk.

Libby- Don’t you mean gloat?

Sabrina- I can talk and gloat at the same time. Look Libby, I thought you might need a friend.

Libby- Why, because all my other friends dumped me? Don’t they realise that geeks have needs and wants and feelings? If you trip us do we not fall? If you prick us do we not scream and pass out?

Sabrina- And what did that teach you?

Libby- To hate cheerleaders.

Sabrina- No. It teaches you that it’s what’s inside that counts.

Libby- That’s what I’ve learned?

Sabrina- Man, I hope so.

Libby- Wait a minute, let me process this. It’s what’s inside that counts, so no matter how I look or dress I’m still me, I’m still Libby Chessler. This is very exciting.

Unfortunately too much excitement brings on her asthma.

Sabrina- But not over exciting.

Libby- Let’s go back to lunch.

Int. School cafeteria. Libby storms in with determination and heads straight for the geeks table.

Libby- Can I sit here?

Gordie, Howard, Sherman and their fellow geek’s look up in horrified surprise that Libby, the arch geek baiter, would ask that question. Libby holds up her inhaler.

Libby- (Cont.) Relax, I’m one of you.

She laughs with a little snort and the geeks immediately recognise one of their own and accept her. Sabrina returns to her own table.

Jenny- What’s going on, Libby’s sitting with the geeks?

Harvey- See, I told you she was nice.

Jenny- What did you say to her?

Sabrina- I just told her to be herself.

At the geek’s table Libby is being exactly that.

Libby- Let’s talk about power. How to get it; how to keep it.

She pushes her glasses firmly up her nose.

Gordie- Hey did you see ‘Xena, warrior princess’ last night?

Libby- Quiet, this is important.

Int. School hallway. Jenny catches up with Sabrina.

Jenny- Are you catching the bus?

Sabrina- No, I’m going to Science Club.

Jenny- Are you sure you wanna broadcast that?

Sabrina- Yeah I do. Today the halls are safe for geeks.

Just then a geek raps himself hard on the head with his locker door.

Sabrina- (Cont.) But you can’t protect them from themselves.

Int. Science class. The Science Club is in session as Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Hey, I brought my rock tumbler.

They all turn to her, including Libby.

Libby- May we help you?

Sabrina- What are you doing here?

Libby- I’m the new president and by the way, membership is closed. Science Club is now limited to six people.

Sherman- That’s how many can fit in the space shuttle.

Sabrina- You can’t do that. Where’s Mr. Pool?

Libby- I sent him for Tang and Fig Newtons. Besides, you don’t belong here. You’re not a total geek, is she guys?

The Science Club- No, she’s not.

Howard- Yeah, you never sat with us at lunch.

Sherman- And what’s you eye sight, twenty-twenty?

They laugh,

Sabrina- Well stab me in the back with a protractor why don’t you? I can’t believe you guys are siding with Libby? She used to make fun of you all the time.

Sherman- Yeah, but now she’s our leader.

Gordie- (Under his breath) She’s not my leader.

Libby- What did you say, Gordie?

Gordie- I said… you’re not my leader… you, you’re pushy and bossy….

He edges past Libby and runs to hide behind the diminutive figure of Sabrina.

Gordie- (Cont.) ..And if Sabrina goes, I go.

Int. School hallway. Gordie and Sabrina run out of the science class at full pelt.

Sabrina- That was very brave of you, Gordie.

Gordie- Don’t talk, run!

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Salem’s lay on the table swishing his tail. Hilda is preparing a steak. She talks between whacks.

Hilda- Look Salem, I’m tenderising the beef with my mace. It’s a deadly weapon and a handy kitchen tool.

Salem- Oh please, we’ve all seen the infomercial.

Sabrina enters from the back door.

Hilda- Hi Sabrina.

Sabrina- I just had a big stinky day. Aunt Hilda, my magic never works the way I want it to.

Hilda- Would it make you feel better to pound some beef?

Sabrina- Maybe.

She takes the mace from Hilda

Sabrina- (Cont.) Well you’ll be happy to know I got kicked out of the Science Club.

She gives a vicious whack with the mace for emphasis

Hilda- How come?

Sabrina- Because Libby says I’m not a total geek.

Hilda- I thought you were upset yesterday because she said that you were one?

Sabrina- Yes.

Another vicious whack.

Hilda- There is no pleasing you.

Sabrina continues to attack the meat with heavy spiked weapon until Hilda intervenes.

Hilda- (Cont.) All right, you’re a little too good at that. Let’s take a break.

Sabrina feels slightly better and goes to the fridge for some bottled water.

Salem- Hey can I lick the mace?

Hilda- Oh all right but be careful.

She puts it down on the table and he licks carefully at the sharp spikes.

Salem- Mmm, ouch! But it’s worth it.

Sabrina- You know the point was to teach Libby that it’s what’s inside that counts but I just forgot that inside she’s just a manipulative, conniving dictator.

Hilda- So are you reconsidering the snout?

Sabrina- No, I’m just going to turn her back to normal. I think I need to pound some more beef.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Libby has ditched her cheerleaders uniform for her geeks uniform. Her hair in bunches and thick rimmed glasses, blouse fastened to the top button and a turtleneck sweater. She leads the geek gang as they terrorise the halls of Westbridge. Two unsuspecting victims talk happily.

Libby- Hey Cee Cee, nice uniform. What does the ‘W’ stand for? Where’s my brain?

Cee Cee- Get away you geeks.

Sherman- Hey look at me, I’m Jill and I wash my hair everyday.

Libby- Shields down, direct hit. Fire again.

Howard- Hey, how many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a pickle?

Jill- I don’t get it.

Libby- You wouldn’t.

She advances on her one time friend and the cheerleaders flee in panic. Libby and the geek squad laugh. Sabrina has watched the unprovoked attack from her locker and an excited Jenny joins her.

Jenny- Did you see that? The cheerleaders are being teased by the geeks. The revolution is upon us.

Sabrina- I wouldn’t be too sure about that.

Sabrina casually points towards Libby undoing the geek spell.

Libby- (To the geek’s) That’s funny, my eye balls stopped itching.

She takes off her glasses and inspects them but sees nothing wrong and puts them back on. She and her friends walk down the hallway towards Sabrina and Jenny.

Libby- (Cont.) So anyway, I checked out the radar game check website and I think I’m going to link it to my home page.

Sabrina- Hey Libby, can I speak with you a moment?

Libby- Make it quick, I don’t wanna be seen talking with you.

Sabrina- Okay. Well, y’know I was just wondering if you’d tried doing any cheers lately? I bet you could.

Libby- Any seal can clap.

She claps her hands to make her point.

Libby- (Cont.) I am a higher life form.

Libby pushes her glasses up her nose with conviction and walks off.

Sabrina- (To Jenny) I never would have guessed it but I think Libby really likes being a geek.

Jenny- Doesn’t surprise me. Libby doesn’t care what group she’s in, as long as she can exclude people she’s happy.

Int. School hallway, later. Sabrina comes up to Jenny at her locker with a great idea.

Sabrina- Jenny, I want you to come to Science Club with me.

Jenny- Sorry, I’m not into organised science.

Sabrina- Maybe I can convince you?

Jenny- I doubt it.

Sabrina points and Jenny’s locker door springs open smacking her on the forehead.

Jenny- Aw! I hope I didn’t suffer a hematoma.

Sabrina- Save it for club. Come on.

Further down the hall they spot Harvey coming out of the library.

Sabrina- Hey Harvey.

Harvey- Hey guys, what’s up?

He walks across the hall to his locker to put the library book away.

Sabrina- Do ya wanna come to Science Club?

Harvey- No way.

He turns back to his locker and Sabrina fires off her finger. Harvey cracks his head with the locker door.

Harvey- Weird, suddenly I wish I had every episode of ‘Mystery science theatre’ on tape.

Jenny- Hurry up, we’re going to be late.

Sabrina- Calm down, I’ll be right back. Stay here.

Sabrina walks off down the hallway and Annie Oakley has nothing on this girl. She’s quick on the draw and deadly accurate as students unexplainably smack their heads with locker doors. Not prone to mercy she even plugs Jill and Cee Cee with her geek guns before going into the girls’ bathroom to stand before the mirror.

Sabrina- (To herself) For the good of mankind. I can’t look.

She turns her head away as she fire one last time.

Int. School science class. The Science Club is underway.

Howard- And the handwriting recognition on my Newton turned it into ‘Are you afraid of the dork’

The geeks laugh, Libby spraying her mouth full of OJ. There’s a knock at the classroom door and Mr. Pool gets up.

Mr. Pool- I’ll get it.

He opens the door to find Sabrina, she’s subtly changed. Her loose blond hair is pulled severely back into a pony tail, her blouse is buttoned right up to the neck and tucked into her pants which are pulled up high revealing the top of her ankle socks and she’s acquired a pair of glasses and a silly smile. A geek to the itchy eye balls.

Sabrina- Hello Mr. Pool.

Mr. Pool- Sabrina!

Sabrina- Let’s talk Philip K. Dick.

Libby- Hey, you can’t come in here.

Mr. Pool- Well of course she can.

Sabrina- And I’ve brought some friends with me. (Calling out into the hallway) Come on guys.

The Geek parade makes it’s way in.

Harvey- Hello.

Jenny- Hey,

Jill- Hi.

Cee Cee- Hi.

Jenny and Sabrina go to high five but miss and the real geeks look on in shock and amazement.

Mr. Pool- Are you all here for Science Club?

Harvey- Yeah, science rocks!

Mr. Pool- Welcome! Welcome! Oh what a happy day, I’ve touched you kids. I’m going to save the space programme.

Libby- Wait one nanosecond. Science Club was supposed to be exclusively for geeks.

Sabrina- It is, but now we’re all geeks.

Mr. Pool- Right now the Science Club is for everyone.

Libby- Are you kidding? This isn’t a club, it’s just a bunch of people with shared interests hanging out together.

She whips off her glasses.

Libby- (Cont.) Well not me. I’m going home to wash my hair.

She storms out.

Mr. Pool- (Calling after) Wait, don’t leave, you’ll miss out. The rest of us are going to play with really strong magnets.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda is just heading up stairs as Sabrina comes through the front door still geekyfied. Hilda turns and gasps in horror.

Hilda- Look at you. Geeked to the gills, this is awful. I blame myself, no wait, I blame Zelda.

Zelda enters from the basement. Hilda shows her her niece.

Hilda- (Cont.) This is all your fault.

Zelda- My fault? Oh Sabrina you look adorable and so smart.

Sabrina- I feel smart and you know what? I learned something. No matter what we’re labelled Libby will always be Libby and I will always be me.

Hilda- You had to become a geek to figure that out?

Sabrina- Well it’s actually rather complex. I just put it in layman’s terms for you.

Zelda- I have to do that all the time.

Hilda- Oh, so what are you saying, you dumb things down for me?

Zelda- Well, C colon backslash D’ah!

Hilda- Would you speak English.

Zelda- You are always ….

Hilda- Oh if you’re so smart….

Zelda- …pulling science down…

Hilda- … I have knowledge you don’t too…

Zelda- …. Without knowledge we’d…

Sabrina silences the argument with a double point giving both her aunts a plumed helmet each.

Sabrina- I’m going to take a shower.

She heads up stairs. The arguments continues somewhat muted by the heavy iron helmets and visors.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Gordie runs to class with his books, one of them slips to the floor as the newly re-cheerleaderised Libby comes up with her old chums Jill and Cee Cee.

Libby- Here let me help.

She makes as if to kick the book down the hallway but stays her foot.

Libby- (Cont.) Wait a minute.

She bends down, picks up the book and hands it back to Gordie.

Libby- (Cont.) Here you go, Gordie.

Gordie- You’re setting me up aren’t you?

He makes a break for it and runs off.

Cee Cee- Oh, so now we’re helping geeks?

Libby- Well I just don’t feel like making fun of them anymore. You know geeks are people too.

They start to walk on down the hallway.

Jill- But if we can’t make fun of geeks, who will we make fun of?

Libby- Hi Sabrina, Superfreak!

The cheerleaders walk on and Sabrina turns from her locker and points. Libby walks through the fire escape doors with a big ‘Kick me’ sign on her back. Well it gets Sabrina through the day.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda sits at the table typing into her lap top computer.

Run credits.

Sabrina comes down the stairs.

Sabrina- I just thought you should know the kid next door is chucking water balloons at our house.

Zelda- Mm, I know. Hilda already went out there, she said she was going to do something about it.

Sabrina- He’s such a little creep, he’s going to break my window.

Hilda- (OS) Arr! prepare to be boarded, Timmy!

There’s a loud boom and a flash from outside and the sound of breaking glass.

Sabrina- What was that?

Hilda enters in a tri-corners hat and a soot blackened face. She holds up her ram rod triumphantly.

Hilda- Yes! I used my cannon, it stays.

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

A Halloween Story

Written By – Nell Scovell
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Sally Jessy Raphaël – Sally Jessy Raphaël
Amanda – Emily Hart
Granny – Diane McBain
Marigold – Robin Riker
M’Lady – Linda Kash
Mr. Altree – Jay Kogen
James Dean – Phillip Glasser

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Jack-o-lantern’s decorate the room, Hilda and Zelda are happy and sing as they prepare breakfast.

Hilda- (Singing) Core the pumpkin and come play.

Hilda and Zelda- (Singing) Halloween, o’happy day.
Halloween o’ ha-ppy day.

With a flick of her finger hilda lights the last lantern on the last note. Sabrina comes down the stairs with her nap sack ready for school.

Sabrina- What are you doing with Salem? I heard him screeching.

Zelda- Very funny. We were singing a Halloween carol.

Hilda- Yes! Happy Halloween. I bet you couldn’t sleep last night with all the excitement and anticipation?

Sabrina- I managed.

Zelda- Well that’s not the spirit. Halloween is our favourite holiday, it’s a magical night.

Hilda- Yes, sing it Zeldy.

Zelda- (Singing) Have a jolly-olly-hollo-Halloween.

Hilda drags Sabrina up to dance but it’s too early for her to expend that much energy.

Sabrina- Please stop singing. Look, I’m trying okay, I’m going to school in a costume. Guess who I am?

She takes a pair of plastic red rimmed glassless glasses and puts them on. Her aunts just look at her blankly.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Sally Jesse Raphaël. What, do I need a microphone?

Hilda- That is the lamest costume I’ve ever seen.

Zelda- It’s just a pair of glasses.

Sabrina- There’s no foolin’ you. Well if you can do better, be my guest.

Her aunts look at each other and nod, Hilda points. There’s a puff of smoke where Sabrina was stood, it clears to reveal her transformed into Sally Jesse Raphaël. Complete down to every hair follicle. She even sounds like her.

Hilda- There.

Zelda- Much better.

Sabrina- What did you do? Oh man!

She goes and checks herself out in the mirror.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Next up, we are going to talk to a teenage witch and her aunts who take things too far.

Zelda and Hilda- (Singing) Have a jolly-olly-hollo-Halloween.
Have a jolly-olly-hollo-Halloween.

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks round the corner in her costume, that’s the plastic red glasses, not the complete body suit, and sees Harvey. She quickly whips off the glasses before he sees them.

Harvey- Hey Sabrina, I got somethin’ for you. It’s kinda last minute but here.

He gives her an invitation card.

Harvey- (Cont.) My parents are making me have an Halloween party.

Sabrina- Bummer, next thing you know they’ll make you go on a ski trip.

Harvey- No see my Dad always buys in bulk at these discount clubs and we got a lot of snack food that expire in November.

Sabrina- Oh so that’s why it says all food must be eaten by midnight.

Harvey- I’m thinking about going as James Dean.

Sabrina- I love James Dean.

Harvey- Yeah, and all I needs a white T shirt, some jeans and somethin’ to lean on. Anyway I was hoping you could come early and help me set stuff up?

Sabrina- Oh I can’t.

The school bell rings and they start walking to class.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I’ve got a family thing. My aunts take Halloween very seriously. I know it’s weird.

Harvey- No, no, my mom’s that way about flag day.

Sabrina- Well I wish I could help, I feel really bad.

Libby comes by.

Libby- I’ve got your invitation Harvey, see you at eight. Unless you need me to come early and help?

Harvey- Sure.

Libby- No problem.

She leaves.

Harvey- (To Sabrina) Hey, and now you don’t have to feel bad.

He leaves her feeling very, very bad.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda sits at the piano as Sabrina pleads her case to her and Zelda

Sabrina- Please, I have to go to Harvey’s party

Zelda- No!

Sabrina- What if I promise to be with the family all thanksgiving?

Hilda- We’re not big on thanksgiving. That holiday was started by puritans who weren’t exactly witch friendly.

Sabrina- So instead we celebrate a night devoted to little kids dressing up like super-hero’s?

Zelda- That is not what all hallows eve is all about. It’s a time for remembering the dead.

Sabrina- Oh that sounds like fun. I just know I’ll have a terrible time.

Hilda- And that’s what family gatherings are all about. D’you think I want to listen to cousin Marigold brag about how married she is and how single I am? No.

Zelda- But we go, because it’s tradition.

Hilda- And Zelda makes me.

Sabrina- And now you’re making me?

Hilda- See? Tradition.

Zelda- I tell you what. If we get back in time you can still go to Harvey’s party, okay?

Sabrina- Not okay, Libby’s going early, so unless I’m there from the start I may as well go to the Other Realm and never come back.

She stomps off upstairs in defeat.

Hilda- (To Zelda) Can I go to Harvey’s party?

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem’s resting on Sabrina’s bed but he’s disturbed by her coming in and slamming her door behind her.

Sabrina- It’s so unfair, they can’t make me go to the Other Realm.

Salem- They made me a cat, you’re messing with the wrong crowd.

Sabrina- So there’s no way I can go to Harvey’s party?

Salem- There might be. Get your magic book, turn to full body duplication.

Sabrina- what’s that?

She gets the book and flips through the pages.

Salem- You can make a double who looks and acts just like you.

Sabrina- Perfect, I’ll send my double to the family thing.

Salem- No can do, your aunts’d spot the switch in no time.

Sabrina- Well then my double will hold my place until I can be with Harvey.

She finds the spell in the book.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Here goes. Double, double. Toil and trouble.

Salem- Bill Shakspere stole that from us, what a hack.

There’s no puff of smoke, no twinkly lights or sounds and decidedly no double.

Sabrina- It didn’t work.

Salem- Step aside.

She does and leaves behind a perfect duplicate of herself down to every hair follicle… Oh, De jávú!

Sabrina- Wow! Amazing.

Salem- It can’t talk until you give it something to say and keep in mind it can only say three sentences.

Sabrina- Let me think. I want my double to be positive because people are always feel positive about positive people.

Salem- My tuna’s coming up.

Sabrina- So let’s start with… ‘I’d love to.’

She points at her double and it turns to her and smiles.

Sabrina’s Double- I’d love to.

Sabrina- Okay, and I want me to be a good listener so let’s try. ‘That is so true.’

She points again.

Sabrina’s Double- That is so true.

Sabrina- And we need a universal truth. Oh that’s easy. ‘Mr. Pool can be so annoying.’

She points once more.

Sabrina’s Double- Mr. Pool can be so annoying.

Sabrina- Well then I guess I’m… we’re all set, except I need a costume.

One final point and the duplicate Sabrina is dressed in a lovely little black witches outfit complete with pointy hat.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey I look really cute.

Sabrina’s Double- That is so true.

Sabrina- (To Salem) I like me.

Salem- He-he-he-he.

Ext. Harvey’s front garden. Jackie Kennedy walks up to the front door and rings the bell, Oh sorry, it’s Libby in her costume. Sabrina and her double are hiding behind the hedge.

Sabrina- (Whispering) Okay, that’s Libby, she’s really annoying.

Sabrina’s Double- Mr. Pool can be so annoying.

Sabrina- Now your mission is to make sure she’s never alone with Harvey, okay? Go.

The double gets up and nips through the hedge to stand at Libby’s shoulder. Libby touches up her face with her compact and turns to find she’s not alone.

Libby- Sabrina! You’re not supposed to be here, you are totally butting in.

Sabrina’s Double- That is so true.

Harvey answers the door in his James Dean outfit. It has the added touch of a red wind cheater. He leans against the door frame for effect.

Harvey- Hey Libby, hi Sabrina, you made it! You know you look really good as a witch.

Libby- Harvey, did you notice I’m dressed as Jackie O?

Harvey- Very classy. D’you guys wanna come in?

Sabrina’s Double- I’d love to.

Harvey- Great, Sabrina and I’ll put out the sodas and Jackie you can fill the bath tub with cheesits.

Jackie glares at the witch as they both go inside. Sabrina still watches from behind the hedge.

Sabrina- Yes! I’m in.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda is in chivying mode.

Zelda- Come on you three, even with instantaneous transport we’re going to be late.

Salem’s the first to arrive up the stairs done up is his Sunday best white, winged collar and red bow tie.

Salem- Coming. Coming.

Zelda- Salem, you look adorable.

Salem- I feel like a Chippendale’s cat.

Sabrina’s next to arrive from her bedroom. She’s dressed in the same top and jeans she’s worn all day.

Sabrina- Okay, I’m ready.

Zelda- You are not going dressed like that.

Sabrina- Well then I guess I’m not going.

She turns back towards her room.

Zelda- Sabrina! I know you have something more appropriate. What about this.

She points at her niece and gives her a quick change into a pretty pink silk mini dress with matching stockings and shoes.

Sabrina- Please, I only wore this dress to make Granny happy, now she’s passed away I’m done with it.

Zelda- Oh come on, it looks sweet on you.

Sabrina- That’s what Granny used to say.

Hilda’s the last to show but she’s definately up for it. She bustles from her room heading straight for the linen closet.

Hilda- Lets get this show on the road.

Zelda- You look nice Hilda.

Hilda- Pass the potato’s

Salem- Someone’s in a hurry.

Hilda- Happy Halloween.

Zelda- Hold on. What colour is my dress?

Hilda- Pass the potato’s.

Zelda- (Calling to the real Hilda in her room) Hilda! you are in Big trouble.

Hilda comes out of her room looking a lot less up for it than her double did.

Hilda- Stupid double.

She walks up to her double and carries on into it absorbing the fake Hilda

Hilda- Lets go.

She opens the linen closet. Zelda, holding Salem, leads the group into the closet.

Zelda- Am I the only one looking forward to this?

Sabrina, Hilda and Salem- (Together) Yes.

The closet door closes and with a crash of thunder they’re on their way.

Int. Lift. The three witches and their cat stand listening to the piped muzak it ‘Halloween oh happy day’ Sabrina’s stands mesmerised by the floor counter as it whizzes past 97, 98, 99….

Sabrina- Are we there yet?

With a ‘bing’ the lift door’s slide open and they step out. Sabrina’s mouth drops open in surprise.

Sabrina- Wow! No wonder my ears popped on the way up.

Out of the large picture window lies the blue globe of the Earth in all it’s cloud swirling splendour.

Hilda- Oh the Earth looks so full tonight.

The hostess of the Halloween gathering spots the new arrivals and rushes over to greet them.

Marigold- Zelda!

Zelda- Marigold.

They kiss each other on the cheek without actually touching in that way that screams insincere.

Marigold- And Hilda.

They copy the same gesture.

Marigold- (Cont.) That outfit always looks so nice on you.

Hilda- Thank’s… wait!

Marigold- I see you’ve brought your cat, but no dates?

Zelda- No Marigold, we’re still not married.

Marigold- Don’t, I’ll cry. Oh and this must be Sabrina. I’d heard you’d gone to live with your aunts, is it okay?

Sabrina- Yes, it’s fine.

Zelda- We love having her with us.

Marigold- Well a niece, it’s almost like having a daughter. (To Sabrina) My little girl, Amanda, is right here. You get to sit with her.

Sabrina- Oh goody, we can talk about dolls.

She glares at her aunts.

Marigold- Zelda, Hilda, you’ll sit with me and Salem you’ll be with the cat.

Salem- Swell.

Marigold- You can all take your seats, I’ll check on the consommé or as Hilda would call it, soup.

Marigold leaves and Hilda turns to Zelda.

Hilda- What’s wrong with soup?

Zelda- Don’t start. Oh look, uncle Noonie. Here Sabrina.

She hands Salem over to Sabrina and goes to talk to uncle Noonie.

Zelda- (Cont.) Uncle Noonie!

She slaps her forehead remembering that her uncle is stone deaf.

Zelda- (Cont.) UNCLE NOONIE!

Sabrina- (To Salem) I can’t believe I have to sit at the kiddie table.

Salem- I can’t believe I have to sit at the kitty table. Wait, gimme a sec, M’lady’s here.

Sabrina- Who’s that?

Salem- Marigold’s pet, she thinks her litter box doesn’t stink and what a lush.

Sabrina carries Salem over to join another black cat at their table. M’Lady wears a diamond choker type collar and is being served by a waiter.

M’Lady- Oh catnip, don’t mind if I do.

Salem- Okay, here we go.

M’lady- Hello Salem.

Salem- Hello M’Lady.

With Salem settled Sabrina goes to join Amanda at the kiddie table. Amanda is a pretty eight year old.

Sabrina- Hi Amanda, I’m your cousin, Sabrina.

Amanda- You better be nice to me or I’ll put you in a jar.

Sabrina- Excuse me?

Amanda- I put all the people who aren’t nice to me in jars.

She picks up a jar from beside her and puts it on the table. It’s an ordinary screw top glass jar except for the tiny man in it.

Amanda- (Cont.) This is Mr. Altree, he tried to teach me math.

Sabrina- Can he breath in there?

Amanda- Yes, I gave him air holes. Here’s a math problem Mr. Altree, five air holes minus one air hole is how many?

She places her finger over one of the air holes.

Mr. Altree- No, please! I wanna live.

He gets down on his knees and begs.

Mr. Altree- (Cont.) I wanna live!

Amanda- See, nobody likes pop quizzes.

She takes the jar from the table as Mr. Altree continues to beg.

Mr. Altree- I wanna live.

Amanda- (To Sabrina) Do you wanna put someone in a jar?

Sabrina- No, my aunts taught me it’s not nice to use magic to hurt other people.

Amanda- Well my parents let me use magic any time I want and I don’t even have to ask.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Brat.

Amanda- What was that?

Sabrina- Nothing.

Amanda glares at her.

At the other table Hilda, Zelda and Marigold sit together, well almost together. Hilda’s kind of out on her own with an empty seat between her and the other two.

Hilda- Why do I have to sit by myself, can’t I move over one seat?

Marigold- No, I’m saving this for my husband. Poor Harold’s been working so much these days I’m not sure he’ll make it but someone’s got to bring home the basudo.

Hilda- (Under her breath) What’s wrong with bacon?

Sabrina comes over to have a word with Zelda.

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, can we go yet?

Zelda- Sabrina we just got here.

Amanda has chased after Sabrina.

Amanda- Don’t you walk away from me, I wanna braid your hair.

She takes hold of Sabrina’s arm and drags her back to the kiddie table.

Int. Harvey’s house. James Dean, leans against the wall while James Dean leans against the mantle piece, meantime James Dean leans against the door jam and James Dean dances with Marilyn Monroe. It seems every guy has come as James Dean. Libby moves along the table checking out the dips and chips. Sabrina’s double is like her shadow, never leaving her side. James Dean joins them.

Harvey- Did anyone eat anything?

Libby- Deany took a handful of pretzels.

Harvey- Great, I’d better refill.

He reaches under the table for a large bag of pretzels and tips a load into the bowl.

Libby- Isn’t the music kind of loud Harvey?

Harvey- I don’t know, the neighbours haven’t complained.

A police siren sounds from outside.

Harvey- (Cont.) I’d better go check that out. (Calling over to James Dean) Hey, turn it down.

Harvey leaves and Libby turns to watch him go almost stepping on Sabrina’s double in the process. She gives the double a dirty look and walks over to another table. The double follows on her heals with a bright smile on it’s face. Libby’s had enough.

Libby- Will you leave me alone?

She walks back to the first table, the double follows at the double smiling happily.

Libby- (Cont.) Would you stop smiling at me! Oh you are such a goody two shoes.

Sabrina’s Double- That is so true.

Libby- Well at least you admit it. Y’know I’d like you a lot more if you’d just make fun of people but I suppose you would never do that.

Sabrina’s Double- Mr. Pool can be so annoying.

Libby- That’s a start.

Int. Spellman family gathering. The kiddie table. They are on to desserts, at least Amanda is as she’s having hers as a starter. Sabrina looks on with her hair in two braids.

Sabrina- You’re going to ruin your dinner.

Amanda- My parents let me eat ice cream whenever I want, my nanny said it would rot my teeth so I put her in a jar.

Sabrina- You know you should really find other ways of dealing with people.

Amanda- What’s that supposed to mean?

Sabrina- Just that, you know you don’t have to put everyone you don’t like in a jar.

Amanda- That’s what my psychologist said, so I put him in a jar.

Sabrina- (Under her breath) Brat.

Amanda- I heard that one.

Sabrina looks a little worried. While at the kitty table. M’Lady’s got her nose buried in the catnip.

Salem- Slow down M’Lady.

M’Lady- Hey! I can handle it.

And at the aunts table Marigold is entertaining them with holiday snaps of the family.

Marigold- And that’s Harold and me in front of our villa. You know if either one of you ever has a honeymoon you really must take it in the south of France. On second thoughts don’t wait, I wouldn’t want you to miss out.

Hilda- Excuse me, I’m in no hurry to get married.

Zelda- That’s right, Hilda is single completely by choice because she refuses to settle for any of the losers she’s been dating.

Marigold- And Zelda, what’s your excuse?

Hilda- Zelda doesn’t need an excuse, she’s passionate about her intellectual pursuits. Her love life is all in her head.

Amanda arrives to show mommy what she’s been up to.

Amanda- Mommy, look what I did.

She slams a glass jar down on the table.

Zelda- Is that Sabrina!

Hilda- What did you do to her?

Amanda- She wouldn’t colour with me.

Marigold- Oh, that is so cute.

The tiny Sabrina bangs on the sides of her glass prison.

Sabrina- (To her aunts) Can we please go home now?, I’m really not having any fun. (To Amanda) I’ll colour with you Amanda, please let me out.

Int. Harvey’s house. Libby’s getting to like having an attentive audience, even if it is Sabrina.

Libby- I chose Jackie because, well I sort of see myself as the first lady of Westbridge High.

Sabrina’s Double- That is so true.

Libby- Thanks.

Harvey dashes in and sees that the party is dying on it’s feet with the music turned off. He joins Libby and Sabrina’s double.

Harvey- This party is dying, we’ve gotta do something. Oh man, the onion dip is bubbling.

He grabs the bowl and runs to the kitchen.

Libby- What this party needs is something big, something wild. I know, someone should streak. It’s fun, it’s fast, it’s naked.

Sabrina’s Double- I’d love to.

Libby- You’d streak?

Sabrina’s Double- I’d love to.

Libby- Sabrina, this is a whole new you.

Harvey returns.

Harvey- Man this party’s boring, I’d leave if it weren’t mine.

Libby- Harvey, I’ve got it taken care of. Sabrina’s going to streak.

Harvey- What! You’re kidding?

He takes Sabrina’s doubles hand and pulls her aside.

Harvey- Sabrina, look I appreciate you trying to help out my party but streaking is never the answer. Don’t you know you’d be teased for the rest of high school?

Sabrina’s Double- That is so true.

Harvey- Then why are you doing it?

Sabrina’s Double- Mr. Pool can be so annoying.

Harvey- Don’t change the subject. Look, this isn’t like you, why are you acting so weird?

Sabrina’s Double- I’d… that… Mr…

Harvey- (Interrupting) I can’t even talk to you, I feel so alienated.

He puts his hands in his jacket pockets and walks away from her with a James Dean swagger.

Int. Spellman family gathering. Salem dines with a depressed, half cut cat.

M’Lady- Salem, you’re the only one who understands me.

Salem- Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I care.

At the other table Sabrina comes up to her aunts.

Sabrina- Dinners over, can we go now?

Zelda- We got you out of the jar, stop whining.

Marigold- Alright everyone, Time to open presents.

Amanda runs over, excited as all eight year olds are at the prospect of pressies.

Amanda- Yeah!

Marigold- Amanda darling, you go first.

Amanda- It better be good.

She starts ripping away the wrapping paper.

Hilda- (To Zelda) There’s nothing like watching Halloween through the eyes of a spoiled child.

Amanda- A solid gold dolly, thank you mommy.

Marigold- It’s from mommy and daddy.

Hilda- We got Sabrina something too.

Zelda- Oh here you go.

She hands Sabrina a small envelope.

Zelda- (Cont.) It’s from both of us.

Hilda- Happy Halloween.

Marigold- Oh, a nice card. Kids love those.

Sabrina opens the envelope and takes out the card.

Sabrina- (Reading) It’s a gift certificate to spend half an hour with the deceased of your choice. What’s this?

Marigold- You got her a reanimation? Those are very pricey.

Amanda- I want a reanimation! I want a reanimation! I WANT A REANIMATION!

Marigold drags her screaming child away.

Sabrina- This is the weirdest gift, what do I do with it?

Hilda- It’s yours to spend as you like.

Zelda- But you must use it tonight, the gap between the living and the dead is weakest on all hallows eve

Sabrina- Well then maybe one of you should use it. You know I really just wanna get back to Harvey’s party and see him dressed like James Dean.

Hilda- Why not meet the real James Dean?

Sabrina- I could do that?!

Zelda- Hm-hm.

Sabrina- How does it work?

Int. Reanimation room. Sabrina enters the tastefully decorated pink room that matches her pink dress with her aunts.

Zelda- Now you just fill in the name of who you wanna see and put it through that mail-slot.

Sabrina- Now how do I know I’m going to get the real James Dean and not the sausage guy?

Hilda- First of all, the sausage guy is still alive but just in case write ‘Star of Rebel without a cause.’

Sabrina sits on the small couch as Zelda hands her a pen. She bends down to write on the small table.

Sabrina- This is so great. Wait, I have a better idea.

She writes on the card carefully covering it from her aunts view with her free hand. When Hilda tries to peep she glares up at her making her aunt suddenly admire the decor. Finished she quickly inserts the card into the slot in the wall.

Sabrina- (Cont.)There. Now what?

Zelda- We leave, This is your own personal, private moment.

Hilda- Who did you chose?

Zelda- Hilda!

She grabs her sister by the arm and drags her from the room. Sabrina sits on the couch and waits for something to happen. After a moment the lights begin to flicker and a door at the back opens revealing a silver-haired woman in a gold knit dress.

Granny- Sabrina!

Sabrina- Granny?

They hug.

Sabrina- (Cont.) I missed you so much.

Granny- Oh I’ve missed you too. Oh let me take a look at you, you look so sweet in that dress.

They smile and hug once more.

Int. Spellman family gathering. Zelda and Hilda are back with Marigold.

Marigold- That was a lovely gift. Harold gave me this.

She shows them the gold and diamond necklace she’s wearing.

Marigold- (Cont.) I picked it out myself.

Zelda- Which reminds me.

She reaches under the table and pulls out a gift wrapped box.

Zelda- (Cont) Hilda, I got you a little something.

Hilda- Zelda! You said we weren’t going to exchange gifts this year.

Zelda- I know but I couldn’t help myself.

Hilda- Me neither.

She hands a gift wrapped box to Zelda.

Marigold- Thank God you have each other.

They each hold up their presents and after a moment look at one another. The butterfly pattern scarves are identical.

Zelda- We’ve been living together way too long.

M’Lady- (OS) Meow! give that back, I know when I’ve had enough catnip.

Marigold- Oh no, the cat’s sauced again.

She gets up and goes to see to the drunken pussy.

Hilda- Why does one of our relatives always have to get drunk?

Salem pads along the table to them.

Salem- You are not going to believe what M’Lady just blurted out.

Zelda- What?

Salem- Come close. (Whispering) Marigold and Harold are getting a divorce.

Zelda- I don’t belive it, Marigold is splitting up with Harold?

Hilda- Oh, this is the best Halloween ever.

Int. Reanimation room. Sabrina and her Granny are having a good old gossip.

Sabrina- So I moved in with aunt Hilda and aunt Zelda, they do more weird things by nine a.m. than most people do all day. They take really good care of me.

Granny- I always liked them. So tell me, how’s school, do you still like science?

Sabrina- Yeah, my teacher, Mr. Pool, can be so annoying but he’s actually a good guy.

Granny- Do you have a boyfriend yet?

Sabrina- There’s a guy I like, his names Harvey but right now we’re just sorta friends.

Granny- Oh well he’d be a fool if he doesn’t fall for you.

Sabrina- You think I’m the prettiest girl in the world.

Granny- That’s because are, and smart too.

Sabrina- Thanks, but Granny there’s something I want to tell you only, well it’s kinda strange.

Granny- Well Sabrina, you know you can always tell me anything.

Sabrina- I’m a witch.

Granny- Well dear, as long as you’re happy.

Int. Harvey’s house. Libby comes up to Sabrina’s double and starts to lead her towards the front door.

Libby- Clock’s ticking. Why don’t you go outside and find a place to strip.

Sabrina’s Double- I’d love to.

Libby- You know Sabrina, you’re new ‘do what I say’ attitude is really great.

She closes the door leaving the double outside.

Libby- (Cont.) Pay attention everyone. Midnight is fifteen minutes away and I think you should all pay attention to those windows.

She points to the large French windows that look out over the garden at the side of the house.

James Dean- Why, Did the Kinkle’s put on some cheesy ghost show?

Libby- No, but watch closely and you might see a full moon.

Int. Spellman family gathering. Sabrina isn’t the only one having a good gossip, Salem’s telling all to the aunts.

Salem- M’Lady also said that Marigold went to the south of France alone.

Hilda- But we saw Harold in the pictures?

Salem- That was a cardboard cut out.

Sabrina arrives.

Sabrina- I’m back.

Zelda- Oh, how was it?

Sabrina- It was an amazing gift. I got to see my Granny again and tell her everything’s okay. Thanks aunt Zelda.

They hug.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Thanks aunt Hilda.

Another hug.

Zelda- We’re glad you liked it.

Hilda- And now it’s time to leave.

The cat’s not the only one that Marigold is having problems with.

Marigold- Amanda darling, When someone gives you a gift you’re supposed to say thank you.

Amanda- Fine.

She turns to the elderly couple who have given her the present and smiles.

Amanda- (Cont.) Thank you.

She then throws the present down on the ground. It smashes.

Marigold- Now that’s verging on rude.

Zelda taps Marigold on the shoulder as Amanda barges past the old couple to get away.

Zelda- We’ve come to say good bye and to thank you, you’ve made our evening in so many ways.

Hilda- We hope it wasn’t too stressful. You know planning the party, preparing the food, divorcing Harold.

Marigold – No the… what!

Zelda- Oh we know all about it, the cat blabbed but don’t worry, you’ll love being alone.

Hilda- Filling your days with romance novels. lean cuisines, internet chat rooms.

Marigold- Oh God, I’m going to be just like you. <Sob>

She goes off crying.

Zelda- Oh Hilda, we’ve made her cry.

Hilda- Oh how awful we must feel. Let’s go.

Int. Lift. The Halloween carol piped music plays and Sabrina, her aunts and Salem bob their heads to it.

Sabrina- You know, I really had a good time.

Hilda- Me too.

Salem- Me three.

Zelda- I told you family gatherings were fun.

Int. Spellman family gathering. All the guests are gone, there’s just Marigold, Amanda, who charges round the room waving napkins about, and M’Lady left.

Marigold- It’s still better to be a divorcee than a spinster, right?

M’Lady- Ah stuff it!

She falls face first into her bowl of catnip.

Amanda- Mommy, I’m hungry. I want a hamburger.

Marigold- Not now dear, it’s not a good time.

Amanda- But I want it now! NOW! NOW! NOW!…

Marigold points at her precious little girl and in a puff of smoke Amanda is quietened by the thickness of the glass in the jar that she’s in.

Marigold- I think somebody needs a time out.

Amanda- You’ll be sorry, I’m telling daddy where you’ve hid the silver.

Marigold- Oh really!

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits on her chaise lounge reading as Salem comes in and is surprised to find her there.

Salem- Whoa, what happened to Harvey’s party?

Sabrina- Oh I decided to stay in and read some of Granny’s letters.

Salem- Are you nuts? You can’t leave a double running around.

Sabrina- Oh I forgot. I gotta change!

She dashes to her wardrobe but slides to a stop on her stockinged feet as she remembers.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Oh wait, I’m a witch.

She points at herself.

Ext. Harvey’s front garden. Sabrina’s double is once more hidden behind the hedge, this time for modesty’s sake as she hands her black witch dress over to Libby.

Libby- Now I’ve got your clothes, I’ll wait for you on the other side. Count to ten.

Libby leaves, The double remains behind the hedge smiling happily.

Libby- (Cont.) (OS) Ten…nine…eight…

The real Sabrina arrives in a matching cute black witches outfit and walks right passed her hidden, naked double. She’s about to go in when she remembers.

Sabrina- Oops, I’m already here.

Libby- (OS) seven…six… five… four…

Sabrina points at herself and a black bandit mask covers her upper face.

Libby- (Cont.) (OS) Three… two… one.

Sabrina enters as her double dashes from behind the hedge.

Int. Harvey’s house. Everyone is crowded round the French windows as Sabrina enters.

Sabrina- Hey, what’s everyone looking at?

James Dean- Sabrina’s gonna streak. There she is.

A flash of naked flesh dashes past the window topped with a black pointy witches hat. There’s a lot Whoo-ing and cheering from the room. Sabrina stands open mouthed in shocked horror.

Harvey- I can’t believe Sabrina did that.

Sabrina- I didn’t.

She takes off her mask and hat.

Sabrina- (Cont.) That wasn’t me.

Harvey- Sabrina, you’re here!

Sabrina- Yeah, where else would I be?

Harvey- I knew Libby couldn’t make you streak, but then who was that?

Sabrina- Er, I don’t see Libby anywhere, I guess it must have been her.

Harvey- That was Libby? Hey everybody, that was Libby streaking.

Laughter ripples round the room just as Libby enters from the kitchen.

Libby- Wasn’t that fun?

Libby gets a round of applause and more laughter.

Libby- (Cont.) I’m glad you all enjoyed it.

She turns and sees Sabrina standing there.

Libby- (Cont.) How’d you get in here so quick?

Sabrina- What are you talking about? I’ve been here the whole time.

Libby- I just gave you your clothes outside.

Harvey- Oh give it up Libby, we all know you’re the one who streaked.

Libby- I did not!

James Dean- Yes you did, we saw your butt.

The room cracks up laughing again.

Libby- That was not me. You are all so immature.

She runs out of the house on the verge of tears.

Sabrina- Well my aunts were right, Halloween is a magical night.

Harvey- Now I know I blew up at you before but do you think you could stay late and help me clean up?

Sabrina- I’d love to… I mean I’d really enjoy that but first I’ve got to get some fresh air.

Harvey- Hey I don’t blame you, those expiration dates are a lot more precise that you’d think.

Ext. Harvey’s house. Sabrina comes into the front garden.

Sabrina- Sabrina, Sabrina!

The double stands up behind the hedge still trying to get it’s dress back on. It’s lost a sleeve somewhere along the way but she smiles happily none the less.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Hey look at you, you put your dress on backwards, man I’m a mess. Come on, let’s get it together.

She walks into the double and it’s absorbed back into her.

Sabrina- Great everything’s back to normal… That is so true… weird!

She goes back to the party.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits in her chair and talks to you.

Run credits.

Sabrina- Hi, I’d like to take half a minute to talk to you about the true meaning of Halloween. It’s not about candy and costumes, it’s about family and showing them how much you care. So don’t buy into the hype and commercialisation of the season. This Halloween, stay home with your loved ones. Just gather round the jack-o-lantern and remember, the true meaning of Halloween is inside you. Right Salem?

Salem- There’s a pound of candy corn inside me.

Sabrina- Ignore him. Happy Halloween.

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Dream Date

Written By – Rachel Lipman
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Liegh Green
Chad – Brian Austin Green
Simon – Tom Wilson
Darryl – Eddie Cibrian
Sasha – Nicole Bilderback
Raphael – Darin Singleton

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda is making herself a mug of tea, (but the steam goes down instead of up), when the telephone on the wall rings. As she walks over to answer it, Sabrina comes running frantically down the back stairs.

Sabrina- I’ll get it! I’ll get it! That’s for me.

Zelda hands over the phone, and goes back to her tea.

Sabrina- Hello? Hi, Harvey! Sure, ask away!

She realises that Zelda is listening, even though her back is turned.

Sabrina- Oh… wait… one second. Aunt Zelda, do you mind?

Zelda- Oh no, go right ahead.

Sabrina- No, I mean, would you leave me alone? (She points to the phone.)

Zelda- (Putting on a ‘big surprise’ face) Oh. I get it (grinning) sorry. (She exits with her weird tea.)

Sabrina- (To the phone) You were saying?

The deep sound of a man slowly giggling comes from a picnic basket on the kitchen counter.

Sabrina- (To the phone) One more sec.

As Sabrina goes over to investigate, the flap opens up, and the face of a black cat appears…

Sabrina- Salem, are you spying on me?

Salem- I’m a cat. I’m curious. So kill me.

Sabrina- Out!

Crooking the phone under her chin, Sabrina uses both hands to pull the cat out of the basket.

Salem- Fine. I understand the delicacy of the moment.

Sabrina puts him onto the floor, but as he runs away, he can still be heard.

Salem- Harvey and Sabrina! Harvey and Sabrina! (Dirty laugh.)

Sabrina- (To the phone) You were asking? (She listens) No, Mr.Pool said photosynthesis would not be on the test. (She listens again) Is that it? (What she hears makes her face drop) Okay… yeah, see you tomorrow.

Sabrina hangs up the phone, turns round, and slumps against the wall in disappointment. A little further along the wall is an old portrait of a woman named Louisa, and her lips begin to move…

Louisa- There, there. I’m sure Harvey will ask you out on a date… some day!

Sabrina- Thanks, Louisa. (Realising) You were listening? I have no privacy in this house!

Gesturing her annoyance, Sabrina storms back up the staircase.

Louisa- Harvey and Sabrina! Harvey and Sabrina!

Run opening credits.

— Special thanks to Tennant Stuart for providing the teaser above —

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Libby and Sasha are busy with preparations for the school Harvest Moon Dance. They’re putting up bunting and balloons over the banner when Sasha looks out across the cafeteria where students are enjoying lunch.

Sasha- I just don’t get how people can dance with all these tables here?

Libby- Sasha, we’ll move the tables.

One of the students enjoying lunch is Sabrina and she is joined by Jenny.

Jenny- It looks like I’m going to the dance.

Sabrina- Who with?!

Jenny- Me! Dates are just societies way of keeping numbers even, I’m going to represent all things that are odd.

Sabrina- And I’m sure that’s exactly how people will see it.

Jenny- Do you wanna come with me? We could go alone together.

Sabrina- No thanks. You know I was thinking it might be kinda fun to go with Harvey.

Jenny- Are you gonna ask him?

Sabrina- Oh I can’t, I don’t wanna complicate our friendship.

Jenny- What if he asked you?

Sabrina- Oh, I don’t mind if he complicates our friendship.

Jenny suddenly stands up and waves having seen the subject of their conversation enter with his lunch tray.

Jenny- Hey Harvey, over here.

He comes over.

Harvey- Thanks for waving, I might not have spotted you at the same table where we always sit.

Jenny- So, do you have plans for the dance tomorrow night? Oops, gotta run!

She grabs her tray and leaves quickly.

Harvey- (To Sabrina) Man, I’ve never seen her move so fast.

Sabrina- Er, so you were saying about the dance?

Harvey- Oh I probably won’t go. School dances aren’t my thing. What about you?

Sabrina- Oh I haven’t made any plans. Y’know, yet.

Libby walks past with an inflated balloon.

Libby- Hi Harvey, can I borrow a finger?

Harvey- Sure.

He lends his finger while she ties off the balloon.

Sabrina- Excuse me, we were talking. Other people have fingers too you know.

Libby- Yes but Harvey works out and by the way Harvey, I was thinking you and I could go to the dance together, okay?

Harvey- Okay.

Sabrina stares across in disbelief.

Libby- Great. Thanks for helping.

She walks off with a smug look across at Sabrina.

Sabrina- (To Harvey) Okay? I thought you said school dances weren’t your thing?

Harvey- They’re not, I panicked. I have a hard time saying no. I really should work on that. No.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina looks through her magic book, Zelda comes up the stairs with laundry

Sabrina- Aunt Zelda, I need help.

Zelda puts down the washing and enters.

Zelda- Of course, what is it?

Sabrina- Well it’s kinda private.

Hilda’s head appears round the door.

Hilda- Did someone say private?

Sabrina- Yes.

Hilda- I’m intrigued, continue.

Sabrina- Okay I’ll tell you my problem if you promise to keep it a secret. Well I wanted to go to the dance tonight with this guy.

Zelda- Harvey.

Sabrina- Right. But he’s going with this other girl.

Hilda- Libby.

Sabrina- Okay and then what happens?

Zelda- Oh sweety, if Harvey likes Libby that’s his choice.

Sabrina- No but I don’t think he does. I mean she asked him and because he has a problem saying no, he said yes.

Hilda- Then why didn’t you ask him?

Sabrina- Because then he would know that I liked him.

Hilda- But you do.

Sabrina- Yes, but I can’t tell him that.

Zelda- Have you at least dropped a hint?

Sabrina- Well I smile at him a lot and sometimes when we play foozball I let him win.

Zelda- He’ll never figure it out that way. Sixteen year old boys are oblivious, if you like Harvey, you’ll have to tell him.

Hilda- You may even want to use one of these.

She points at Sabrina and she’s left holding a long handled sledgehammer.

Sabrina- A sledgehammer?

Both aunts nod.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look, I think I’d rather just use a love spell but I can’t seem to find one in my magic book.

Zelda- Oh Sabrina, I hate to disappoint you but there is no love spell. Love is far too precious to tamper with.

Hilda- You mean too weird, that’s why there’s no standardised formula, although Calvin Kline came remarkably close with ‘Obsession’

Sabrina- So being a witch doesn’t help me at all?

Zelda- Well in this case, no.

Hilda- Not necessarily. You can’t make someone love you but you can imprison them in a ring for not loving you. See?

She hold out her hand and Sabrina sees that the ring on her third finger that always seems to catch the light so oddly contains a tiny young man in renaissance garb.

Raphael- Hilda, let me out. Thou art starting to grow on me.

Hilda holds her ring up.

Hilda- I love the way he catches the light.

Sabrina- Look, trapping Harvey in amber is not exactly what I had in mind. I think I need to be alone again.

She slumps down in her comfy old armchair for a good sulk and maybe a little weep.

Hilda- Oh, that privacy thing?

Zelda- Hilda, let’s go. (To Sabrina) We’ll be down stairs if you need us.

Hilda- That’s right. We’re here, we care and we have pie.

They leave closing the door behind them.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing.

Hilda- That stinks.

Zelda- Harvey or no Harvey, she should go to the ball… I mean dance.

Hilda- Sabrina needs someone who’s hip and fun, who’ll make her forget Harvey.

Zelda- I know, do we have any Man Dough in the house?

Hilda- Great idea. I’ll race you to the kitchen.

They both make a dash for the stairs, Hilda barges her way in front.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Salem is lying on the table as Hilda runs down the stairs ahead of Zelda.

Hilda- Beat you!

She raises her hands to accept the accolade of her imaginary supporters.

Zelda- Oh, you are so immature.

Salem- Do you mind? I was busy staring into space.

Hilda- You can do that later. We are making Sabrina a dream date.

She picks up Salem from the table and starts to dance around with him.

Salem- Oh, ooh, ooh, my kibble!

While Zelda goes to the magic cabinet for the ingredients. A Mexican style instrumental kicks off and plays through the following.

Hilda is still dancing but instead of Salem she has a head made of dough in her hands.

Hilda- Dream date.

Zelda pats dough into shape on the counter and Hilda places the head at the head of the table and pats it.

Zelda- Got your nose!

She holds up a carefully shaped dough nose. Hilda fits it on the head a little off centre.

Zelda- Here’s your ears.

She throws them both across, Hilda catches them one in each hand.

Zelda has two outsized dough feet and walks them down the table. They both fit the dough parts together.

They each make a dough hand and slap them together in a high five before fitting them into the rest of the dough body that coming together on the table.

A few finishing touches and the constructions complete.

Zelda- There.

They are both covered in flour and stand admiring their work as the music fades.

Zelda- (Cont.) Wait a minute, one arm is shorter than the other. Hilda, have you been eating dough?

Hilda- (With her mouth full) No.

But the jobs only half done.

Zelda- Now for the personality glaze.

Hilda joins her at the counter where a bowl is set up with various bottles and jars around it.

Hilda- Pour it on. Lets make him a great dancer.

She pours a few drops from one of the bottles into the bowl.

Zelda- And a dare devil.

She pours from another bottle.

Hilda- And a musician.

Another bottle contents enters the bowl.

Zelda- Do girls still like musicians?

Hilda- Ever since Mozart’s ‘Feel the Heat’ tour.

Zelda- Mm.

The question distracts Hilda as she pours from a bottle and she practically empties it.

Hilda- Oh! I over did the enthusiasm.

Zelda- He’s going to a high school dance, he’s going to need all the enthusiasm he can get.

She carries the bowl over to the table and they both start brushing the glaze over the dough body. Then it’s covered with a table cloth and the timer is set. The two pastry chefs are tidying up the kitchen when Sabrina comes down the stairs.

Sabrina- What are you cooking? Something smells… handsome?

Zelda- Sabrina you’re going to love it. We’re making you a dream date out of Man Dough.

Sabrina- Man Dough?

Hilda- He’ll be tall, dark and yeasty.

Zelda- Now he lasts about four hours, which is perfect for your dance.

Sabrina- Yeah perfect, except for the fact that I wanted to go with Harvey, not Pop’n’fresh.

Zelda- Oh come on, just meet him before you make up your mind.

Hilda- You’re going to like him, he’s really enthusiastic.

Sabrina- I’ve already made up my mind, I’m not going.

Suddenly the table cloth starts to rise taking on a man shape that the rolled out dough didn’t posses. Hilda and Zelda smile at each other excited. Sabrina couldn’t care less. The timer pings and the two aunts lean over the table.

Hilda and Zelda- (Together) Man’s done!

The dough man sits up throwing the table cloth off and taking a big breath. He looks around and down at himself.

Dough Man- Hey. Hi, man am I happy to be here.

Sabrina looks him over and is pleased with what she sees. The Pillsbury dough boy he isn’t but darkly good looking with his neat close cropped hair and black leather jacket and denims.

Sabrina- Wow! He is really cute.

Zelda- Well, we do nice work but if you don’t wanna go to the dance…

Sabrina- (Interrupting) Changed my mind, I’ll go. Just er, give me a sec to get ready.

She points at herself and in seconds her tatty jeans and sweater transform into a short purple dress and her pulled back hair is hanging free and curled under.

Sabrina- (Cont.) All set. Gotta go.

She takes the dough man by the hand and heads out the back door.

Dough Man- Man, you look great! And this dance sounds fantastic!

Int. Westbridge High School Harvest Moon Dance. The converted cafeteria is filling up nicely as Sabrina and her date enter.

Dough Man- Oh man, this place is fantastic! What do you call it?

Sabrina- The cafeteria.

Dough Man- The cafeteria, the cafeteria; I’ll have to remember that. Whoa, great bunting!

Sabrina- Hey, could you keep it down? You’re talking kinda loud.

Jenny spots Sabrina and comes over.

Jenny- Hi.

Sabrina- Hi.

Dough Man- Hi.

He grabs Jenny’s hand and shakes it enthusiastically.

Dough Man- (Cont.) Who are you?

Jenny- I’m Jenny. Who are you?

He has no answer for that and turns to Sabrina.

Sabrina- This is er, Chad… Cory… Dillan.

Jenny- Great name.

Sabrina- Thanks. Er Chad, could you get us some punch?

Chad- (To Jenny) She has the best ideas.

He enthusiastically dashes off to get the punch. As soon as he’s gone she pulls Jenny close.

Sabrina- So, what do you think?

Jenny- He’s cute. Where did you meet him?

Sabrina- Oh my aunts introduced us. We rode over on his motorcycle.

Jenny’s mouth drops open with wonder.

Jenny- I approve.

Sabrina- Yeah Chad’s pretty neat, you know for an athlete, dare-devil, rock musician.

Chad arrives back with the punch.

Chad- Guess what? They had two flavours; orange and red.

Sabrina takes the red and Chad swallows the orange in one enthusiastic gulp.

Sabrina- Go easy Chad.

Jenny- Well, I’m going to dance.

She leaves for the dance floor.

Chad- (To Sabrina) Wait a second. We can dance here?

Sabrina- Yeah, do you like dancing?

Chad- I’m made to dance and I love this song.

He takes Sabrina’s hardly touched punch from her hand and gives it to a passing boy.

Chad- Here, excuse me. Thank you, thank you. Thanks a lot.

The boy wonders on bemused as Chad drags Sabrina onto the dance floor and they get on down and boogie. Libby and her date arrive a little late.

Libby- Sasha, what have I missed?

Sasha- Not much. Where have you been?

Harvey- We had some engine trouble with the Vette on the way over.

Sasha- You drive a Corvette?

Libby- that’s Shove-ette.

Harvey- Hey! Same manufacturer.

Libby- Oh please!

She looks out over the dance floor and spots Sabrina dancing with a dark, handsome stranger.

Libby- Who’s that guy Sabrina’s with?

Jenny overhears and is happy to fill Libby in as she knows how much Libby will hate it.

Jenny- His names Chad Cory Dillan and yes, that’s his motorcycle outside.

She dances away laughing.

Sasha- Well I guess Sabrina wins.

Libby- I don’t think so. Come on Harvey, let’s hit the floor.

Libby’s on her way when Harvey grabs her arm and draws her back.

Harvey- Actually Libby, I don’t dance.

Libby- Excuse me? This is a dance, guess what we do here?

Harvey- Well you see for me, dance is sort of a metaphor.

Libby- For what?

Harvey- I don’t know, something else?

She gets right in his face and he backs away.

Libby- I can’t believe you did this to me.

She continues to advance and Harvey continues to back off until the back of his knees hits a chair and he sits down. Libby spins away.

Libby- (Cont.) Sasha! Ladies room.

Meanwhile Chad Cory Dillan dances enthusiastically and skilfully with Sabrina.

Chad- Oh man, I’m having a great time.

Sabrina- Me too.

But her smile fades when they move around and she sees Harvey sat by the wall watching her forlornly. He stands and gives her a little wave. She stops dancing and returns his wave.

Chad- What, why’ve you stopped dancing?

Sabrina- I just saw someone.

Chad- Who?

Sabrina- Just a friend.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda sit by the counter reading and waiting. Having built a dream date for Sabrina they have got themselves in the mood. so they’ve built two more for themselves.

Hilda- This is fun. We haven’t done this since the Taft administration.

Zelda- Mm. What did you put in your personality?

Hilda- I gave him lots of optimism. I want my dream date to be hopeful.

Zelda- Oh that’s nice.

A timer pings.

Hilda- Oo! Mine’s done.

A dough man sits up. A brawny man in a sweater and slack, an ex jock type gone to seed.

Hilda- (Cont.) Hi. I’m Hilda

Simon- Would you get off my back? I’ve been looking for work, stop riding me.

Zelda- That doesn’t sound too hopeful.

Hilda- Something must have gone wrong.

Zelda- Did you check the expiration date on the optimism?

Hilda gets the bottle.

Hilda- Oh no. It says ‘hope fades’

Zelda- Which means…

Hilda- My dream date is hopeless.

Simon climbs off the table.

Simon- Ladies, d’you wanna break up the hen party. Somewhere men are competing in a professional sport and I’m missing it. So where’s the TV? Never mind, I’ll find it myself.

He goes off in search of the TV and glances up the stairs.

Simon- (Cont.)TV? TV? No.

He disappears into the living room.

Hilda- I have the worst luck with men, even the ones made out of dough.

Zelda Picks up the rolling pin and hands it to Hilda.

Zelda- Here. Do you want to start over?

Hilda- Yes… No, wait. I have an idea. Maybe I can change him.

Zelda- Oh Hilda you know that never works.

Hilda- But I love a challenge. First I’ll gain his trust by pretending to be interested in sports.

She turns towards the living room.

Zelda- Wait. Don’t you wanna see who my dream date is?

Hilda- Let me guess. He’s a brave, milk swilling fireman?

Zelda- How did you know?

Hilda- I found the calendar in your desk. Sabrina’s right, there’s no privacy in this home.

With that she spins round and heads off to sort out her own dream date. Zelda sits herself on the edge of the table and waits for hers to be done. He sits up suddenly dressed in his fire fighting gear and looking very handsome.

Darryl- (To Zelda) Ah, hello Kitten. Got milk?

Salem’s head pops out of the basket where a second ago he had been dreaming about a romantic tuna dinner for two with Siamese down the road.

Salem- What? Oh sorry, thought you were talking to me.

He slips back inside the basket and tries to recapture his dream.

Int. Westbridge High School Harvest Moon Dance. Chad Cory Dillan’s enthusiasm is still strong as they continue to dance.

Chad- Oh man, this is the best night of my life!

Sabrina- Do you mind if we stop? I’m sorta tired.

Chad- Oh sure, go ahead. Although I gotta say, I love this song.

Sabrina- Oh well then keep dancing.

She looks around and see Jenny dancing on her own.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Jenny, cover for me.

Jenny- All right. Don’t be long, I don’t want people thinking I sold out.

She leaves Chad and Jenny dancing together and goes to get a glass of punch. The fact that Harvey is at the punch bowl, fishing round with the ladle, is, of course, pure coincidence.

Sabrina- Hi Harvey. Are you busy?

Harvey- Er, no. I dropped the chip in the punch. You look nice.

Sabrina can’t help the smile that comes to her lips at the compliment.

Sabrina- Thanks, so do you.

Harvey- This is what I wore to school yesterday.

Sabrina- Oh well you smell okay. So where’s Libby?

Harvey- Bathroom I guess. She’s mad at me ’cause I don’t dance.

Sabrina- Really? I would have thought you’d be good at that.

Harvey- Well I’m okay when it’s just me rocking out in my room. I mean I don’t spin around the pole or anything but I get really self-conscious in front of other people.

Sabrina- We all do.

Harvey- Not your date.

Sabrina- Oh, Chad’s kinda special.

Harvey- Wow! You really like him, don’t you?

Sabrina- No! I meant like different.

Chad suddenly dances up beside her.

Chad- Hey, there you are. (To Harvey) Hi, I’m Chad Cory Dillan.

He shakes Harvey’s hand enthusiastically.

Harvey- Harvey Dwight Kinkle.

Chad- It’s nice to meet ya. (To Sabrina) Hey Sabrina, you’ve gotta get back here. You wouldn’t believe what you’re missing.

Sabrina- A great song?

Chad- (To Harvey) She knows everything.

He drags Sabrina back onto the dance floor as Libby and Sasha arrive.

Harvey- Oh you’re back, I thought maybe you’d fallen in.

Libby- Charming.

Int. Spellman Living room. Simon sits on the settee glued to the TV. Hilda sits beside him.

Hilda- What are you thinking?

Simon- That refs a jerk!

Hilda- Y’know we could talk while we watch sports. I mean relationships are built on communication. Why don’t you share your feelings?

Simon- Why don’t you share the chips.

Hilda- Simon, the point I’m trying to make…

Simon- (Interrupting) Look, look, look, look. When we get to a boring commercial we’ll make out, until then.

He points to the TV.

Simon- (Cont.) Do you mind?

Int., Spellman kitchen. Zelda sits and watches Darryl chug a whole carton of milk.

Zelda- I’ve never seen a man drink so much milk.

Darryl- Aah! Ha, I like milk.

Int. Westbridge High School Harvest Moon Dance. Sabrina must be pooped because she’s still up dancing with Chad. Libby, however, sits it out beside Harvey.

Libby- I don’t understand why you just didn’t say ‘no’ when I asked you to this dance?

Harvey- I told you, I’m working on it.

The song finishes and another starts up.

Chad- Alright! A slow dance.

He slips his arm around Sabrina but she gets hers between them and pushes him away.

Sabrina- Er y’know Chad, I’m really not into slow dances. Um why don’t we go over and stand by those chairs?

Chad- Genius! That is genius!

They walk over to the chairs by the wall passing Jenny who is still dancing alone as couples pass round her in smoochy embraces.

Jenny- (Under her breath) Oh this is too weird, even for me.

She leaves the dance floor. Libby and Harvey sit another one out.

Libby- If you don’t wanna be here, just leave.

Harvey- Look I don’t tell many people this but…

Libby- (Interrupting) There he is!

She stands and puts on her friendliest and loveliest smile and walks up to Chad.

Libby- Hi I’m Libby.

Chad- Hi I’m Chad.

Libby- I saw you dancing out there, you’re really good.

Chad- Oh well I’m also a dare-devil and a rock musician.

Libby- Oh really! What instrument do you play?

Chad- Well lead guitar.

Harvey who’s sat listening splutters a laugh.

Harvey- (Under his breath) Lead guitar.

Sabrina- Hey Harvey, don’t you play an instrument?

Harvey- Yeah. The bassoon.

Sabrina- Wow, the bassoon. I think that’s really sexy.

Libby- Maybe to another bassoon.

Chad- Oh man, I love this song!

Libby- Me too. Unfortunately my date can’t dance.

Sabrina- Yes he can. As a matter of fact, Harvey is a wonderful dancer.

Harvey- Sabrina! Technically that’s not true.

Sabrina- Yes it is and why don’t you prove it to them. Now.

She folds her arms and in the process casts a little spell on Harvey that strips away his inhibitions. Harvey looks down, does a neat pirouette, flips up on his toes and back. He smiles and takes off his sleeveless sweater.

Harvey- Okay, maybe I know a few steps.

He tosses the sweater to Libby and with a reverse kicking step moves onto the dance floor. The other dancers move back forming a circle around him and giving him room. He dips down, coming up into another spin, this time with one leg extended.

Jenny- Yeah! Harvey’s dancing alone. Alright!

He stops his spin and leaps high with a splits kick touch both toes before landing.

Sabrina- He’s actually better than Chad.

Chad- Much better.

Harvey bends forward at the waist and does a series of rolling jumps round the dance floor. Then twists and goes up on his toes, he takes a running leap, lands and kicks one leg up before going back up on his toes with the final beat of the song. Everyone applauds as Harvey slowly looks around the circle. The magic ebbs away leaving him feeling acutely embarrassed. He walks with his head lowered over to Libby and Sabrina.

Harvey- Did anyone see that?

Libby- Everyone saw it.

Harvey- Now I feel really self-conscious.

Chad- (To Sabrina) Let’s dance. I feel inspired.

Sabrina- But…

He drags her off onto the dance floor despite her protest.

Harvey- I’d better go.

Libby-What! I wanna dance with you now.

Harvey- Sorry Libby but you said I could leave if I wanted to.

Libby- Well I take it back. You have to dance with me.

Harvey- Libby… No!

He turns and strides purposefully towards the door leaving Libby standing stunned and annoyed. Sabrina sees Harvey go from the dance floor.

Sabrina- (To Chad) Look Chad, this doesn’t feel right, I’m sorry. Excuse me, I gotta go.

She leaves Chad standing alone on the dance floor.

Int. School hallway. Sabrina walks through.

Sabrina- Harvey!

He’s nowhere in site.

Sabrina- Harvey!

Ext. School entrance. Sabrina pushes the door open and comes out.

Sabrina- Harvey!

Harvey- I’m over here.

She turns having walked past where he sits on a bench.

Sabrina- I thought you were leaving?

Harvey- Yeah well I wanted to but now I have to wait for triple A.

Sabrina- Well, I can help you wait. I’m good at that, watch.

She walks over and sits on the bench beside him.

Harvey- Thanks but shouldn’t you be inside with what’s his name, what’s his name, what’s his name?

Sabrina- Nah, he’s not really my type.

Harvey- What, perfect isn’t your type?

Sabrina- Actually Harvey, I wanted to talk to you about that.

She stands up and moves away to gather her thoughts.

Sabrina- (Cont.) But it’s kinda hard for me.

Harvey- What do you mean?

Sabrina- Well the thing is… I… see…

Harvey- Sabrina, what is it?

He moves over towards her and she spins round pointing.

Sabrina- Freeze!

Time freezes leaving Harvey perched on one foot. Everything stops except Sabrina.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Look, the thing is I came to this party expecting to have a good time with Chad but one look at you and it was over. I mean, I think it’s great that we’re friends, but sometimes I wish it were more. I like you Harvey. I like you a lot but I guess for now this is the closest I can get to saying it to your face.

She looks into his still, unmoving eyes.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Thanks for listening.

She points and Harvey along with the rest of the universe starts to move again.

Harvey- Did you just say something?

Sabrina- Yeah. I err I said Chad isn’t really perfect. You know one arms longer than the other. Well I’d better get back.

She heads for the school doors.

Harvey- Sabrina, I er I was wondering since we’re out here. D’ya wanna dance?

Sabrina- Won’t you feel self-conscious?

Harvey- Just us.

A slow piano number starts up as Harvey takes her in his arms. Starting with a gentle sway a little magic takes over as he takes one hand and they side step forward. He releases her hand and she drops back into him, he catches her beneath her arms and spins her off the ground. On landing they stretch apart at arms length.

Sabrina- So, do you love this song?

Harvey- It’s okay.

She smiles and spins back into him and out the other side. She spins back into his arms and he dips her, their faces only inches apart.

Harvey- I’m starting to get a little self-conscious.

Their faces move closer. She waits and preys for the kiss but.

Harvey- (Cont.) Okay, I’m there.

He lifts her up straight and the magic moment ends along with the music.

Harvey- (Cont.) Sorry, that’s all I can do.

Sabrina- It was enough. I think I’m ready to go home now.

Harvey- Well hey, If you’re done with the dance do you wanna head over to the Slicery and play a little foosball?

Sabrina- Yeah, I love foozball! Sorry, I’ve been hanging out with Chad too long. Well, I’ll go and tell him I’m leaving.

Harvey watches her go back inside. After she’s gone.

Harvey- I like you Sabrina. Why can’t I say it to her face?

Int. The Harvest Moon Dance. Sabrina enters to find Chad sat like a wall-flower against, of all things, the wall. He jumps up enthusiastically when he sees her.

Chad- Sabrina, you’re back!

Sabrina- Chad we need to talk. Look, it was sweet of you to bring me to the dance but you’re not the one I want to be with.

Chad- Well who do you wanna be with?

Sabrina- Harvey.

Chad- That’s an excellent choice, he’s a great guy.

Sabrina- You really are a dream date, Chad. So err, it’s okay if I leave?

Chad- Oh sure, no, go ahead. I’ll just stay here and miss you.

Sabrina- I don’t want you to do that. Look you only have two hours left and I’m sure you love this song so er.

She looks around and finds the person having the least fun in the whole room sat across from them.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Why not ask Libby to dance?

Chad- Can I? I like Libby.

Sabrina- You like Libby?

Chad- Sorry, I guess I’m starting to go bad.

Ext. School entrance. Harvey sits on his bench waiting and looking critically at his hands. Sabrina comes out.

Sabrina- All right, fooz it or lose it.

Harvey- Hey look.

He holds out both arms side by side.

Harvey- (Cont.) Same length. Ha!

They walk off together smiling.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda is still sat beside Simon who is still glued to the sports center.

Hilda- So if you live by the pass, you die by the pass. They kept the ball on the ground and they were able to convert in the red zone.

Simon- You know, I can’t hear Pat Samerell while you’re yapping.

Hilda- It’s a hardware commercial.

Simon- Shh! He’s talking about hammers.

Hilda- Okay, that’s it.

She gets up off the settee.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda is sat on the kitchen table with a stop-watch in her hand. Darryl’s fireman jacket is hung on the back of a chair inside out as her finishes pulling on his leggings. He thrusts his arms into the sleeves of his jacket and raises them above his head. The jacket drops down and round his shoulders when he shoves his arms forward completing his dressing.

Darryl- Done!

Zelda click the stop-watch and looks at it.

Zelda- Nineteen seconds.

Darryl- Yes!

Hilda enters from the dining room,

Hilda- Commin’ through.

She walks over to the counter, picks up the rolling pin and smacks it into the palm of her hand.

Hilda- Be back in a jiff.

She goes back into the dining room.

Zelda- (To Darryl) So. What now?

Darryl- Well um, I could register your bike or make lasagne for fifty.

Zelda- Could you teach me the hiemlich?

Darryl- Sure but first I need a milk break to fortify my body and build healthy teeth and bones.

He goes over to the fridge to find more milk as Hilda comes back in carrying a large lump of shapeless dough.

Hilda- Yes I finally got through to Simon.

She presses the pedal-bin with her foot and dumps the dough in it. She brushes off her hands and turns to her sister.

Hilda- Well since my dream date turned out to be a dud, I guess we’ll have to share yours.

She takes Darryl’s arm as he passes having poured out a large glass of milk.

Zelda- Oh! Oh no! No I’m not sharing. He’s mine.

She grabs Darryl’s other arm.

Hilda- Be nice.

Zelda- I made him. Let go.

Hilda- I won’t.

They start to tug back and forth.

Zelda- Let go! Let go!

With them both tugging in opposite directions something has to give and it’s Darryl’s shoulder. Zelda pulls his entire arm out of his sleeve with the glass of milk still clutched in its hand.

Zelda- (Cont.) Now look what you’ve done.

Darryl- <Sob> My milk!

Hilda- He’s damaged now. Can I have him?

Int. Westbridge High School Harvest Moon Dance. Libby is having her best night ever dancing the night away with the handsome Chad.

Chad- Oh man I love this song!

Libby- You and I are so right for each other.

Libby turns as she dances. Chad suddenly looks a little pale and coughs into his hand. A cloud of flour bursts out. Still coughing he staggers off towards the exit. Libby doesn’t notice and keeps on dancing.

Int. School hallway. Chad staggers out of the dining room and leans against the wall.

Chad- Must… find… preservatives!

He coughs again in another big cloud of flour and stumbles on.

Int. Harvest Moon Dance. Libby dances happily until she turns again to find herself doing a Jenny. Chad is nowhere to be seen.

Libby- Chad!

Ext. School entrance. Libby comes out.

Libby- Chad? Chad? Chad?

She walks further and steps in something. Looking down she sees a dollop of doughy white stuff on the floor. There are more dollops littering the entrance area.

Libby- (Cont.) Ew! Oh gross!

She turns and goes back inside. The music from the dance can just be heard and a particularly large dollop of dough fleetingly takes on the shape of Chad’s mouth.

Chad- I had a really great time. Oh man I love this song!

Int. School hallway. Libby stands at the pay-phone with the receiver at her ear.

Run credits.

Libby- Are you a detective? Okay, I’d like to report a missing person. Chad Cory Dillan. Well he’s really tall, he’s really cute. He was last seen dancing with me, everyone was looking it was so cool. What?… Well he’s only been gone twenty minutes but I thought… No I will not wait twenty-four hours. Don’t you people realise this is the love of my life?… Hello? Hello? Urgh!

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Third Aunt From The Sun

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda’s quiet breakfast is disturbed by Sabrina and Zelda as they enter arguing.

Zelda- No-no-no!

Sabrina- But it’s my belly button!

Zelda- U-hu! It’s our belly button. You can have it back when you turn eighteen.

Hilda- Don’t tell me, she still wants to hang keys off her navel? Sabrina, even I think that’s gross.

Sabrina- I still wanna do it.

Hilda- You’ll regret it. I had to wait two centuries to have the ‘Cromwell Rules’ tattoo removed from my shoulder.

Zelda- That’s not where it was.

Hilda- Be quiet!

Zelda- The point is these things go in and out of style. You have to remember you’re built for the long haul.

Sabrina- Well I think it’s cool. But if I have to wait two years, fine! I will. Then I’ll just have everything pierced.

She leaves to catch the school bus. Zelda points after her and a few seconds later Sabrina’s back and she’s got her piercing. Only it’s not where she wanted it and the body jewellery isn’t what she had in mind either.

Sabrina- Okay, very funny. Now remove the bone. Remove the bone! I’m not going to school like this!

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina’s happy and singing as she puts her books away in her locker. She has every reason to be having lost the bone through her nose.

Sabrina- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song!

Jenny arrives.

Jenny- Hey, what are you singing?

Sabrina- Nothing!

Jenny- Well are you going to science?

Sabrina- Well, figured I’m here, I might as well.

They head towards the class.

Jenny- So I was thinking about going to see a movie Saturday night. Do you wanna come?

Sabrina- Sure! But it’s gotta be an early show, my curfew’s midnight.

Jenny- You’re so luck your aunts are strict. My parents are really relaxed which makes it hard to rebel.

Int. Science class. Looks like a party’s going on. Students are dancing in the isles as Sabrina and Jenny enter. Sabrina starts to dance along to the familiar song.

Sabrina- Hey Harvey!

Harvey- Hey!

Mr. Pool enters.

Mr. Pool- All right turn it down. Shake your whammy fanny, oh please! Y’know in my day we had good music.

Harvey- Mr. Pool, didn’t you grow up in the seventies?

Mr. Pool- Yes… Never mind. Okay er today we’re going to talk about the body’s largest organ, the skin! Now the skin consists of three different layers.

He starts to scratch at his arm.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) The er dermis.

He scratches at his neck.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) The epidermis.

He scratches at his stomach as the students watch bemused.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) And the subcutaneous tissue. What’s happening!

He scratches furiously at his legs body and arms.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) I feel like I’m wearing a burlap unitard. God! I can’t stand the itching. Argh!

Hopping and scratching he rushes off to the nurses office. Sabrina turns to Jenny and Harvey.

Sabrina- What do we do know?

Harvey- Well if Mr. Pool’s not back in five minutes we can ditch.

Sabrina- It’s been five minutes hasn’t it?

Harvey- Let’s go!

They start to grab their stuff but a handsome looking woman in a red suit and glasses enters and waves a pencil at them like a wand.

Vesta- Sit!

All the students abruptly sit.

Vesta- (Cont.) Stay! Good. Hello class. I am your substitute teacher. My name is Vesta, I’m an Aries. Now doesn’t anyone want to tell me where your teacher left off?

She picks Harvey out in the front row.

Vesta- (Cont.) You! Spill!

Harvey- W-w-w-we were talking about skin.

Vesta- Always moisturise and use an exfoliant. Any questions?

Sabrina raises her hand.

Vesta- (Cont.) Yes?

Sabrina- What does moisturiser have to do with science?

Vesta- Science isn’t everything. What about beauty and art and culture? Why do we have to focus on science?

Sabrina- Because this is biology?

Vesta- Fine! You want science, listen carefully.

Later. The substitute teacher finishes and elaborate diagram on the chalkboard.

Vesta- …The thermablast joins the ranials which I think explains it all.

She turns to see the students furiously scribbling notes as the school bell rings.

Vesta- (Cont.) Well that’s it for today. Forget everything I said. Class dismissed.

They all put away their books and start to leave.

Vesta- (Cont.) Except Sabrina. You stay after.

Sabrina- (To Jenny) What did I do?

Jenny- I don’t know but if you’re not out in five minutes I’m notifying the school paper.

Sabrina- Great… It’s a weekly!

Jenny shrugs and leaves.

Vesta- Sabrina, we need to talk!

Sabrina- Did I do something wrong?

Vesta- Yes.

Then her straight face cracks into a little laugh.

Vesta- (Cont.) No!

She takes off her glasses.

Vesta- (Cont.) Don’t you recognise me?

Sabrina- Should I?

Vesta- Oh, I’ll give you a hint.

She spins and snaps her finger and her red suit transforms classy black number with white gloves and hat.

Vesta- (Cont.) I am your aunt Vesta.

Sabrina- Let me guess. From my father’s side of the family?

Vesta- Bingo! I even carry a photo of me holding you as a baby.

She pulls out the photo and shows it to Sabrina.

Sabrina- Oh look. There’s aunt Hilda and aunt Zelda. Is that Andy Worhol?

Vesta- Mm. Those were the good times. I don’t know why but the eighties are always the best decade of every century.

Sabrina- Oh look. I’d really love to stay and talk but I’ve gotta get to class.

Vesta- Don’t be silly, we have a lot of catching up to do. Now where can we find a good cup of coffee? Oh I know, Paris.

She snaps her finger and the science class is suddenly empty.

Int. Le cafe neuvou. Paris, France. An empty table in the classy riverside cafe is suddenly occupied by Sabrina and Vesta. Sabrina looks out at the view of the Eiffel tower, then down at the huge cup of coffee in front of her.

Vesta- Voalla!

Sabrina- You know the weirdest thing? I’m missing French class to be here.

Vesta- No that’s not the weirdest thing. I once… Oh no, never mind.

Sabrina- I think I really should have told someone I was leaving the country.

Vesta- Oh don’t be so jittery. Drink your giant bowl of coffee and relax.

Sabrina- Three sips and I’m already vibrating. My other aunts don’t let me drink coffee.

Vesta- Yes, the evil bean. I’m sure they’re full of all sorts of cant’s and don’ts like (imitating Hilda) Don’t stay up too late and (Imitating Zelda) No you can’t get a tattoo.

Sabrina- You sound just like them!

Vesta- We lived together for two hundred years but we’re very very different. You see they actually enjoy living on Earth and I can’t stand mortals for too long.

Sabrina- You know I’m half mortal?

Vesta- Oh! Not that there’s anything wrong with that, darling. It’s just that, well mortals seem to have to work so hard for everything. It tends to make them bitter.

Sabrina- Oh like my teacher, Mr. Pool.

Vesta- Exactly.

Sabrina- What did you do to him anyway?

Vesta- Oh I just gave him a twenty-four hour bug.

Int. Mr. Pool’s bathroom. Mr. Pool is suffering the effects of Vesta’s bug. It produces acute anxiety, abject terror and uncontrollable screaming. We won’t mention extremely loose bowels as anyone who had a seven foot tall cockroach coming at them in their shower cabinet would suffer that particular ailment.

Int. La cafe neuvou.

Vesta- My point is that we witches can avoid reality if we choose. That’s why I live in the Pleasure-dome.

Sabrina- The Pleasure-dome? Where’s that?

Vesta- The Other Realm. You could come and visit.

Sabrina- I don’t think my aunts would let me.

Vesta- Well we’ll just have to convince them.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda are in disagreement.

Hilda- Look it’s been this way for years, it’s time for a change.

She points at the armchair and in a billow of smoke the plain grey felt chair cover is changed to a floral patterned one.

Zelda- I like it the other way.

She points and it changes back in a smooth, smokeless transition.

Hilda- I’m not going to stand here all day pointing with you.

Salem sticks his head round the door.

Salem- Listen up! That was Sabrina’s school on the phone. They said she missed her last five classes.

Zelda- That’s not like her! Where could she be?

Hilda- What if she’s in trouble?

Zelda- Oh I hope she’s not in trouble.

Sabrina enters wearing a black designer dress, pearl necklace, wide brimmed black hat, black stiletto’s and designer shades. She also carries shopping bags from all the best stores in London, Paris and Rome.

Sabrina- I’m home!

Hilda- You are in big trouble.

Zelda- Where have you been? And what are you wearing?

Sabrina- I went to Paris with aunt Vesta.

Aunt Vesta arrives a lot less laden than her niece. She only carries two tiny little carrier bags.

Hilda and Zelda- (Together) Vesta!

Vesta- Bonjour maysur. Prezzies.

She hands them the tiny bags.

Hilda- Gum?

Vesta- It’s French.

Zelda- What are you doing here? I thought you vowed never to set foot on Earth again?

Vesta- How could I stay away? I had to see my niece.

Hilda- She was supposed to be in school.

Vesta- Well we tried to make her last class but then we stopped in Milano for Delato.

Sabrina- You have to.

Hilda- No you don’t. You have to tell people when you run off to Europe for snacks.

Zelda- (To Vesta) And you can’t just take Sabrina out of school.

Vesta- Oh I’m only here five seconds and it’s already ‘can’t’ and ‘don’t’ Doesn’t anything ever change around here?

Hilda points at the armchair. A puff of smoke later it’s all floral again.

Hilda- We got new fabric for the chair.

Vesta- It’s mayhem.

Sabrina- Look, aunt Hilda, aunt Zelda, I’m sorry I didn’t call. I was wrong. Can I keep the clothes?

Zelda- Oh all right, but go and call Jenny, get your homework and start doing it.

Sabrina- It’s practically done.

She heads off up stairs.

Vesta- Such a sweet girl and so hungry for life. Surprising, I mean, with the example you’ve been setting for her.

Zelda- We are setting a fine example. We have a loving home filled with discipline and responsibility.

Vesta- What about fun?

Hilda- We have fun.

Zelda- In fact, this weekend I have been invited to attend a very important meeting in Texas on the supercolider. So there!

The phone rings.

Hilda- I’ll get it. It’s probably somebody fun.

Vesta- I doubt it. So a symposium in Texas, who invited you?

Zelda- The Visual Engineers for the Study of Theoretical Activity.

Vesta- I suppose theoretical activity is bet than no activity at all.

Hilda comes running back in excited.

Hilda- You are not going to believe this! I’ve just been asked to play with the Conniff Trio in Orlando this Saturday. It’s a dream come true!

Vesta- Hilda, lucky you.

Hilda- I know you mean that sarcastically but thanks. I have to pack.

Zelda- Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t just take off. I have to go to Texas this weekend, what about Sabrina? We can’t leave her alone.

Hilda- Then we have to find someone she can stay with.

Their eyes inevitably drift over to a smiling Vesta.

Vesta- Maybe I can be of help?

Sabrina comes down stairs having lost the hat and the shades but still in her fancy duds.

Sabrina- Jenny just gave me the bad news. I have to read fifty pages by Monday.

Vesta- Kel drag!

Zelda- Um Sabrina, since Hilda and I have to work how would you feel about spending the weekend at aunt Vesta’s pleasure-dome?

Sabrina- I’d really like that! But I’m afraid if I’m too enthusiastic you wont let me.

Hilda- It’s fine! In fact it would help us.

Sabrina- Then… YES! Whoo-hoo!

Int. The Pleasure-dome. A large dramatically lit space littered with chaise lounges and coffee tables with art neuvou ornaments. It’s surrounded by closed doors. Vesta shows her niece in.

Vesta- Oh so good to be home.

Two liveried servants and a maid come and take Sabrina’s coat and bags.

Vesta- (Cont.) Welcome to the Pleasure-dome.

She snaps her fingers and both she and Sabrina are in startling new outfits. Sabrina looks down at the bright orange dress she’s wearing and wonders ‘Is this really me?’

Vesta- (Cont.) Ah, leave your cant’s and your don’ts outside. We have only one rule here.

She waves her hand and a neon sign saying ‘No Mortals’ flashes beside her.

Vesta- (Cont.) No Mortals

Sabrina- Great! What a cool place. So I guess you’re really into doors?

Vesta- Behind each one is a wish fulfilled. Go ahead, take a look.

Sabrina- Well what’s in there?

Vesta- You’ll see.

Sabrina opens one of the doors and sees a darkened room with people dancing and music fills the Pleasure-dome.

Brothers Junk- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song!
Shake your whammy fanny. Oh funky song.

Sabrina- Is this what I think it is?

Vesta- Yes. You’re back stage at a Brothers Junk concert.

Sabrina- That’s a fact!

She heads in but Vesta pulls her back.

Vesta- Wait! You aint seen nothin’ yet.

Brothers Junk- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song! Funky song!

The door closes.

Vesta- Open this one, it’s one of my personal faves.

Sabrina- What is it?

Vesta- The hall of gratuitous praise.

She opens the door and Sabrina is confronted by her adoring public

Adoring Public- You’re fabulous! We love you! You’re gorgeous! You’re beautiful!

Vesta closes the door cutting them off.

Sabrina- Oh that was fun! You know? I feel really good about myself.

Vesta- We also have a twenty-four hour mall and a restaurant filled with oo-ie goo-ie sliming desserts. And that’s a room filled with gorgeous single men.

Sabrina- Maybe I’ll just take a peek in there.

Vesta- No don’t! Darling, they know you’re here and the longer you keep them waiting, the more they’ll want you.

Sabrina- Oh so that’s how it works?

Vesta- U-hu! So we’ll save that room till later.

Sabrina- But I’m only here for the weekend.

Vesta- Well we’ll see about that. Bob-bons?

She holds out her empty hand and by the time Sabrina looks down it contains a plate of sweets.

Int. Supercolider symposium. Texas. Room 107. Zelda enters and looks around at the shelves of cleaning products and the mops and buckets by the wall. The janitor turns to her.

Zelda- Oh is this room 107?

Cletus- Yeah.

Zelda- Well that’s strange. See there’s supposed to be a lecture here.

Cletus- Be kinda crowded.

Zelda- But do you know anything about a supercolider conference?

Cletus- No, but then I’m always the last to know.

Zelda- Well the invitation says 107 and it’s engraved.

He takes the invitation card from her.

Cletus- Nice! Who’s it from?

Zelda- The Visual Engineers for the Study of Theoretical Activity.

Cletus- Why don’t they just shorten it to… V.E.S.T.A?

Zelda- Vesta!

Ext. Orlando, Florida. The Conniff Trio (Including Hilda) play beautifully but it’s drowned out by the roar of engines as race cars whip by only yards from where they sit. Zelda arrives and she has to shout to be heard above the noise.

Zelda- HILDA! HILDA!

Hilda- ZELDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Zelda- VESTA SET ME UP! AND SHE SET YOU UP TOO.

Hilda- I WONDERED WHY THEY BOOKED A STRING TRIO AT DAYTONA!

There’s a race car crash and a wheel bounces by.

Zelda- WELL THERE’S YOUR BIG FINISH. COME ON, LET’S GO.

Hilda- ALL RIGHT BUT VESTA’S TRICK BACKFIRED. OUR TRIO JUST GOT BOOKED AT THE INDIE 500.

Int. The Pleasure-dome. Sabrina sits with her feet up reading as Vesta dances the macarana round the room.

Vesta- What are you reading?

Sabrina- ‘Jude the obscure’

Vesta- I’ll say! Hey, d’ya wanna learn the macarana?

Sabrina- I can’t. I promised Hilda and Zelda I’d do my homework.

Vesta- Sabrina! We need to talk.

Sabrina- Did I do something wrong?

Vesta- No. It’s just your priorities. Isn’t this obsession with homework getting in the way of your fun?

Sabrina- Well I have to study.

Vesta- Why?

Sabrina- Because you can’t have fun all the time.

Vesta- Why not? Think about that while we join a conga line.

The conga music starts up and they join the line of maraca waving dancers who come in on cue.

Vesta- (Cont.) Ha-ha! Anyone want paella!

Sabrina- I do.

They’ve made it once round the dome when two annoyed aunts enter.

Zelda- Stop!

The music dies with a scrape across the record.

Zelda- (Cont.) What is going on here?

Sabrina dashes back to the chaise lounge and pick up ‘Jude the obscure’

Sabrina- Welcome to homework land!

Hilda- (To the conga dancers) Move it along, there is nothing to see here.

They conga out of the dome.

Zelda- (To Vesta) How could you! You tricked us to get Sabrina up here.

Vesta- Der hey!

Hilda- Well the party’s over, Sabrina’s coming home.

Vesta- You know the rules around here. Now that Sabrina’s at the Pleasure-dome she can do whatever she wants.

Zelda- So that’s your plan!

Vesta- Please! I don’t plan, I scheme. And forgive me for wanting my niece to have a little fun.

Zelda- I have heard enough. Come on Sabrina, we’re going home.

Vesta- She’s staying here!

Hilda- She’s coming home!

Vesta- Staying here!

Zelda- Oh you are so selfish…

Hilda- Come on! she has to be…

Vesta- She is sixteen! She has…

Sabrina- (Interrupting) EXCUSE ME! Can I say something about my life? Look you guys didn’t tell me I could stay in the Other Realm if I wanted to. I didn’t know I had a choice.

Vesta- Well you do.

Zelda- Of course you do.

Hilda- And we know you’ll make the right one.

Sabrina- I will… I’m staying here!

Vesta- Ole!

Hilda- But Sabrina! How can you chose the Pleasure-dome over high school? Wait, that didn’t come out right.

Sabrina- Why don’t you guys stay too? We’re having paella.

Zelda- No thanks. We have real lives back on Earth. Come on Hilda, let’s go.

Hilda- (Whispering to Zelda) What! We can’t just leave her here.

Zelda- (Whispering) Follow me, I have a hunch. And don’t look back.

Hilda looks back and silently curses herself.

Vesta- Chow! Adios! Okay dramas over. Let’s hit the water-slide.

She jumps up ready for some splashy action but Sabrina just sits staring after her departed aunts.

Vesta- (Cont.) O-oh! Are you okay?

Sabrina- Yeah I’m fine. I just thought they’d toss around a few more cant’s and don’ts before taking off.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The closet activates and Hilda and Zelda return home.

Hilda- Are you insane? You left without a fight! What were you thinking?

Zelda- That I want Sabrina to come home.

Hilda- Me too. Now let’s go back and get her. I’ll hold Vesta.

Zelda- No! That wont work. If we tell Sabrina she can’t stay then we’ll just be playing into Vesta’s hands.

Hilda- Can we say it and just not use the word ‘can’t’?

Zelda- Hilda, we’re giving Sabrina a chance to change her mind. Have a little faith, I think she’ll come home.

Hilda- Ooh Zelda, sneaky. You had a scheme.

Zelda- Well Vesta is my sister.

She leaves.

Hilda- (To herself) I want a scheme!

Int. The Pleasure-dome. Vesta is lay belly down on the massage table as a blonde muscular man works the fragrant oil into her back

Vesta- Mmm! That’s good. So good. There’s only one thing that could make this better.

She snaps her finger and she and the masseuse switch places.

Vesta- (Cont.) Now this is relaxing.

Sabrina enters in her swimming costume.

Sabrina- I’m wiped! I rode the roller-coaster seventeen times, went shoe shopping, saw the Brad Pitt I-MAX and man those hot-tubs take a lot out of you.

Vesta- Poor thing.

Sabrina- I just want to curl up with a good book.

Vesta- Oh Sabrina!

She pushes away the massage table with the big blonde Adonis on it. there’s a crash and a cry of pain. Vesta shrugs and turns to her niece.

Vesta- (Cont.) Ah well. We need to talk.

Sabrina- Did I do something wrong?

Vesta- No! Why do you always assume when we need to talk you did something wrong?

Sabrina- Because I’m a teenager?

Vesta- Anyway, you can’t stay home and read on a Saturday night. Not when you could be starring in your own rock video.

Sabrina- I can?

Vesta- Yes sure! All you need to do is come up with a concept.

Sabrina- Oh easy! Okay! We open on smoke rolling across the floor. Cue the dancing clowns and widen to reveal me in a really great outfit.

The phone rings.

Vesta- Phone!

A maid brings in the phone and holds it while Vesta answers.

Vesta- (Cont.) Hello? One moment. It’s for you.

Sabrina- For me?

Vesta- Jenny.

Sabrina- (On phone) Hey Jenny.

Jenny- Hey Sabrina, what’s up?

Sabrina- Not much. How’d you get my number?

Jenny- I called you and your aunts gave it to me. It had the weirdest seventeen digit area code.

Sabrina- Well I’m visiting family in Canada.

Jenny- But I thought we were going to a movie tonight?

Sabrina- I totally forgot! I’m sorry Jenny. Look, maybe I can get back.

Vesta- Your video!

Sabrina- (To Vesta) Well can she come watch?

Vesta- The one rule!

With a wave the ‘No Mortals’ sign starts blinking again.

Sabrina- Figures! (On phone) Look Jenny, I’m sort of stuck here but well you’ll find something fun to do tonight, right?

Jenny- Sure. Yeah, it’s no problem. Anyway I’ll see you.

Sabrina- I’ll see you. Bye.

She hangs up the phone and the maid leaves. Sabrina’s no longer feeling as excited about her rock video and slumps down on the chaise lounge.

Vesta- Oh you’re sad. This’ll cheer you up.

She effortlessly uses her magic and holds the result out to Sabrina.

Vesta- (Cont.) Look a puppy. Isn’t he cute?

Sabrina- You can’t distract me with a puppy, aunt Vesta. I feel awful.

Vesta- Okay. Remove the puppy.

She gingerly hands the cute, floppy-eared puppy to a servant and sits beside Sabrina.

Vesta- (Cont.) All right, what’s wrong?

Sabrina- Well Jenny’s my best friend and I just realised, if I stay here I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see any of my friends again.

Vesta- Is that all that’s bothering you? You can see your friends any time you want.

Sabrina- I can?

Vesta- Yes! We have super-secret insider-vision.

Sabrina- Cool!

Vesta- Very.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Where the fun never stops.

Hilda- I’m looking for Ringo’s nose. That should not be hard to find.

Zelda- Oh I’ve been working on it, here you go.

Hilda- Thanks.

She hands over the nose and Hilda fits it into the 500 piece Beatles jigsaw puzzle.

Int. The Pleasure-dome. Sabrina and Vesta watch TV. It’s ‘The Spellman show’

Hilda- I still don’t believe Sabrina doesn’t think our lives are exciting enough.

Vesta- Well you can see how it snoops. With this remote you can see anyone anywhere. Now who else do you wanna watch?

Sabrina- How about Salem?

She hits the remote button and switches to ‘The Salem show’ The scene is set in Sabrina’s bedroom and it’s covered with cat toys. Our hero sits in front of the mirror singing to himself.

Salem- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song.
Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song.

Vesta- U-hu! U-hu!

Sabrina- What’s he doing? He’s got squeaky toys all over my room!

Vesta- You live here now.

Sabrina- Oh! Right. Well let’s see what Harvey’s doing.

She switches over to ‘The Harvey Kinkle Spectacular’ It’s the episode where he’s jumping up and down on the settee playing air-guitar and singing.

Harvey- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song.

Sabrina- I don’t wanna see this. Er I know, I’ll check on Jenny. She’s probably out though.

She switches to ‘Story time with Jennifer Kelly’ and finds her friend sat on her bed reading.

Sabrina- (Cont.) No wait! She’s home and she’s reading ‘Jude the obscure’

Vesta- How pathetic.

Sabrina- But it’s my fault she’s stuck home on a Saturday night. I totally stood her up.

Vesta- Hey! you are in a guilt free zone. Now what about we shake our whammy fanny’s and get your video ready? Fu-unky song.

Later. Vesta ready in her short, black plastic mack, thigh boots and black officers hat.

Vesta- (Calling) Come on Sabrina! I’m dying to see what you look like.

Sabrina enters and poses in the doorway to show off the black and white leopard print mini dress contrasted with black PVC shoulder length gloves and high heeled thigh boots.

Sabrina- I don’t know whether to get funky or go fly fishing.

Vesta- You look fabulous.

Sabrina- These boots are killing me.

Vesta- Deal with it. There’s no room for sensible shoes in rock and roll.

She hands Sabrina a headset microphone and guides her to a circus lion tamers stand.

Vesta- (Cont.) Now you are large and in charge! Alright, camera ready!

The cameraman gets in position.

Vesta- (Cont.) Lights!

Dramatic red and blue spots switch on.

Vesta- (Cont.) Smoke! And action!

Dry-ice slithers across the floor as the intro plays, Sabrina starts to wriggle her Whammy fanny. Four dancing clowns dance behind her.

Sabrina- (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song.
Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song.
Whoo! Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song.
Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song.

Vesta- Come on! Energy up! Up! Up! Shake it! Shake it!

Sabrina tries to continue singing but it’s just not fun anymore.

Sabrina- Oh no! No! That’s it! I can’t shake anymore.

Vesta- Cut!

The backing music and the dancing clowns stop instantly.

Sabrina- This is a mistake. Aunt Vesta, we need to talk.

Vesta- Did I do something wrong?

Sabrina- No, I did. Look, I shouldn’t be here, I should be at the movies with Jenny.

Vesta- Oh but that’s so ordinary. I mean you could be a rock star.

Sabrina- I’m not a rock star, I’m a kareoke singer… and not a very good one at that.

Vesta- I think someone needs a little trip to the hall of gratuitous praise.

Sabrina- No I don’t wanna go to the hall of gratuitous praise, I wanna go home.

Vesta- Sabrina you can’t go. I’ll be so lonely without you.

Sabrina- Well you can come stay with Hilda and Zelda and me.

Vesta- …Maybe I’ll just get that puppy back.

Sabrina- I’d better run. Jenny and I can still make a late show. You know, that is if Hilda and Zelda will let me break curfew.

Vesta- Oh then I guess you’ll be needing this.

She holds out her hand and Sabrina’s nap-sack appears hanging from it with her homework in it.

Sabrina- Thanks. You know I had fun.

They hug.

Vesta- This is the Pleasure-dome.

Sabrina- Chow!

Vesta- Chow!

Sabrina leaves. Vesta sighs heavily.

Vesta- (Cont.) Oh what now?

She has an idea and walks over to the doorway to the hall of gratuitous praise and opens it.

Adoring public- We love you! You’re beautiful! You’re gorgeous! You’re wonderful!

She pushes the door too.

Vesta- So empty! But it works.

She opens the door again and enters smiling.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters to find it a mess with Salem’s stuff scattered everywhere.

Sabrina- Salem, what are you doing?

Salem- Der! I was just reorganising?

Sabrina- You know I saw you singing in the mirror.

Salem- NOOOOOOoooo!

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda hear Salem’s cry of dismay.

Hilda- Did you hear something?

Zelda- Yes. Be cool.

Sabrina comes down the stairs still in her rock video outfit.

Sabrina- Hi! I’m home!

Hilda- Oh hello Sabrina.

Zelda- What happened? Didn’t you like the Pleasure-dome?

Sabrina- It was okay, but the truth is without ‘cant’s’ and ‘don’ts’ it’s hard to know where the fun is.

Zelda- It’s so nice to have you back.

Sabrina- And it’s nice to be back.

She hugs her aunts.

Sabrina- Now can I go out? You know I promised Jenny I’d go to the movies with her and I feel I should honour that responsibility.

Hilda- You can go but don’t stay out past one.

Zelda- And you can’t wear those boots.

Sabrina- I’m home!

She points at herself for a quick change into her tatty old jeans, sweater and coat.

Sabrina- (Cont.) Better? Gotta go and thanks for not making a big deal outa this.

She leaves.

Hilda- Deal of the century!

Zelda- She’s back!

They pick up the jigsaw pieces and toss them up into the air with delight.

Hilda and Zelda- (Together) She’s back!

Int. Mr. Pool’s bathroom. He’s still struggling to overcome his twenty-four hour bug. Then he gets in a good blow with the sink plunger. The giant bug staggers backwards injured.

Run credits.

Mr. Pool- Yes! Yes!

But the bug pulls the plunger away and throws it to the floor. It advances on Mr. Pool again who’s taken refuge in the shower stall.

Mr. Pool- No! All right, just let me grab these canisters.

He grabs two air-freshener spray cans from above the sink and takes the fight to the bug.

Mr. Pool- (Cont.) All right, I’m ready for you little weevil. Come closer, come a little closer! Suck pot-pouree and die!

He squirts the bug in the face as he dives for cover hitting his head on the wall in the process.

Later. Mr. Pool comes round with the aerosols still in his hands.

Mr. Pool- Oh man what a dream. Sushi and Cafka don’t mix.

He sees a regular sized cockroach scurry along the skirting-board and is thrown into a panic and lets it have it with both barrels.