It’s A Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot Christmas


Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

It’s A Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot Christmas

Written By – Dan Kael
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Salem – Nick Bakay
Morgan – Elisa Donovan
Roxie – Soleil Moon Frye
Leonard – John Ducey
Candy – Kate Jackson
Zack – Scott Gurney
Attendant – Greg Baker
MC – Mike Siegel
Attractive Woman – Sandra McCoy
Caroller – Kerry Sable
Caroller – William James Jones
Caroller – Reed Prescott
Caroller – Blythe Matsui

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the Warner Brothers Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

 

Int. Scorch Magazine. Outside, a snow blizzard is blowing and the snow swirls in when the door is opened. Roxie, Morgan and Sabrina enter all wrapped up against the cold.

Morgan– Jeez Louise! It is miserable out there!

Sabrina– Yeah but nothing takes the chill out o’ your bones like a big old out o’ control office Christmas party.

The take off their coats to reveal that they’ve all got on the party frocks and are made up to the nines. Having hung up their coats they head into the office to find that the words ‘Big’, ‘Out of control’ and even ‘Party’ are exaggerations as the only other person present is that party animal, Leonard.

Leonard– Welcome merry revelers.

He’s wearing a Santa hat and standing behind the buffet table holding up a glass.

Sabrina– Okay, well er I guess the Hanukkah party was the one to be at… This could be fun too.

Roxie– Where is everyone?

Leonard– Well the folks at this magazine aren’t really into the office parties. Olive?

He holds up his hand with an olive stuck on the end of all four fingers and his thumb. That’s enough for Roxie. She turns to the door.

Sabrina– Hey Roxie, where are you going?

Roxie– Sabrina, The dawner party was better than this… with better food.

Sabrina– Come on! We’re here. Y’know, we can still have a good time. I. mean, there’s gingerbread, there’s Christmas music and we still have forty-eight minutes on the meter.

Leonard– Party hardy ladies. I’m heading off with Cole and James to my timeshare condo for a little Christmas carousing… and yes, we might get a little blitzened.

The phone rings. He goes to answer it.

Roxie– Let’s face it, the holidays are a let down. They always have been.

Morgan– Not for me! Christmas as a kid was so much fun. Skating on the pond.

Sabrina– Sipping mulled cider by the fire.

Roxie– Watching dad passed out on the couch.

Sabrina– Too much eggnog?

Roxie– No, mum decked him.

Sabrina– (Handing out the punch) Well, Miss Humbug, this year the only decking that’s gonna happen is the halls. Y’know, Fal-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la… Or um Arf-arf-arf. Arf-arf-arf…

Roxie– Stop!

Morgan– Boy, all this talk of Christmas carols and eggnog, dysfunctional parents… It makes me miss my family.

Sabrina– Well, y’know, this Christmas we can be our own family. Yeah, we’ll go home and decorate the tree and hang our stockings and… we should probably do the Thanksgiving dishes.

The put down their drinks and are about to head home when Leonard arrives back.

Leonard– Well it looks like my posse has just baled on me. Say, do you buffalo gals wanna come out tonight?

Sabrina– Er, I’m sorry, are you inviting us to a saloon?

Leonard– No. I’ve got this condo for the holidays and Cole and James just baled on me. I don’t suppose you ladies would be interested in a little winter getaway? Condo’s got a hot-tub?

Sabrina– That could be fun.

Morgan– Excuse me, Sabrina, the last thing that we want to do is go freeze our butts off on some mountain.

The girls head for the door.

Leonard– Mountain? No-no, the condo’s in Miami.

Sabrina– Miami?

Roxie– Florida?

Morgan– America?

Leonard– Eighty degrees and sunny.

Sabrina, Roxie and Morgan– (Singing) We’re going to Miami!
We’re going to Miami!
We’re going to Miami!
We’re going to Miami!

They get into the party mood with a conga round the office.

Run opening credits.

Int. Leonard’s condo in Miami, Florida… um, America. The door opens and the conga line comes in.

Morgan, Roxie and Sabrina– (Singing) We are in Miami!
We are in Miami!
We are in Miami!

Leonard follows them in laden down with all the baggage.

Leonard– Hey ladies! I think you’ve got the Miami song down.

Morgan– Oh wow, Leonard, this place is incredible.

Sabrina– Yeah, awesome. Thank you so much for inviting us here. It is so sweet of you. There are locks on the bedroom doors, right?

Leonard– All right. You’ve got the er stereo, you’ve got TV, DVD, VCR. Oh, and here’s the video collection. Remember people, be kind, rewind.

Sabrina– (Picking up a video) Look Roxie, nothing puts you in a Christmassy mood like ‘It’s a wonderful life’

Roxie– Right, but this is ‘Es una vida esplendida’

Sabrina– Oh. But is still con Jimmy Stewart.

Leonard– Okay, because this is a timeshare, there are a few house rules. Log all your phone calls, don’t touch the thermostat, no fluids on the furniture and er keep out of the kitchen. Other than that, let your hair down. Enjoy yourselves.

Sabrina picks up the plastic carry case containing Salem that Leonard brought in and lifts Salem out.

Leonard– (Cont.) Whoa! There’s no pets here.

Sabrina– Er well, you could have told me that when you picked us up. What did you think I had in the air holed carrier?

Leonard– Oh, I thought it was some feminine thing… and you needed to vent it.

Morgan– Sabrina, these resort condos always have kennels for pets.

Sabrina– Fine, I’ll put him in a kennel.

She puts Salem back in the box.

Salem– <Sob! Sob! Sob!>

Sabrina– Hey Salem, don’t give me that look, okay. You’re the one who talked me into bringing you. (On Morgan and Leonard’s looks) Oh, I read this book ‘The cat whisperer’

Morgan– Well I am going to change and then go lounge by the pool. (To Leonard) Which outfit would make you flirt with me more?

She holds up a green ensemble and a red one.

Leonard– Oh, the red one gets my blood goin’

Morgan– Green it is.

She goes to change as Roxie comes back in from the veranda.

Roxie– Great! This whole place looks like Santa’s village.

Sabrina– Roxie, it’s Christmas time. In Boston, in Florida, everywhere. Well except in parts of the Middle East where, ironically, it all started.

Roxie– I’ll just stay here and read.

Sabrina– No, come on. Come down to the pool and enjoy yourself.

Roxie– All right, but just because it’s too stuffy up here.

Leonard– You’re warm? Hey, no problemo. Check out the, state of the art, ceiling fan. You’ve got up-draught, down-draught, cross bree…

He pulls the switch string and comes off in his hand.

Leonard– (Cont.) Oh no! Oh no.

Ext. The condo pool area. Tables and chairs are set out in front of the poolside bar and around the pool itself are arranged sun beds. A choral quartet dressed in tropical Santa outfits, which are, basically, red and white Hawaiian shirts and bikinis with Santa hats, are singing ‘Joy to the World’ beside the bar. Sabrina has got into the Christmas mood with a red, Baywatch’ type one piece swimsuit and a red and white wrap skirt. She gets her round in at the bar and carries the drinks that are heavily laden with cocktail umbrellas and tinsel around the pool to Roxie who has claimed a couple of empty sun beds and sits listening to the choir with a small smile on her lips.

Sabrina– You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were getting into the Christmas spirit.

Roxie– (Sipping at her drink) Maybe.

Sabrina– Come on, you can’t tell me that baritone in the board shorts isn’t bringing some joy to your world?

Morgan arrives looking very excited in her green outfit that’s finished off with a fur lined wrap.

Morgan– Guys, there’s going to be a beauty contest! I may be the next Miss Wet Christmas!

RoxieWet Christmas? I don’t know who should be the most offended, women or Irving Berlin?

She gets up and leaves. Morgan watches her go.

Morgan– Oh. (To Sabrina) I thought, once they tore down that wall, there was no more Irving Berlin?

Sabrina– You know, Morgan, I think I’m finally getting Roxie into the Christmas spirit. Oh, speaking of which, I forgot to get her a present! Let’s see what they have over here.

They walk over to the other side of the pool area where a few shops and stalls are laid out. In keeping with the time of year, a Christmas grotto has been set up but there is no line of children waiting, only pretty girls who all want the same thing in their stockings… Santa.

Sabrina– Wow! It looks like Santa’s been summering at the gym.

Morgan– Hmm. Let’s go see if he’s naughty or nice.

As the girl currently sitting on Santa’s knee reluctantly gets up, Morgan and Sabrina jumps the queue, barging passed some angry looking girls. Morgan’s an expert at the technique and gets in first.

Morgan– Hi, I’m Morgan.

Santa– Hello, Morgan. What do you want for Christmas?

Morgan– Let’s see. A BMW five series would be nice, maybe some six carat earrings…

Santa– <Atchoo!>

He sneezes all over Morgan.

Morgan– Gee, thanks. I don’t remember asking for the flu.

Santa– Oh, I’m sorry. Is that real fur? I think Santa’s allergic to your clothes.

Morgan– Oh, well that’s too bad… I’ll go change!

She dashes off and under the angry glares of the girls she’s pushed in front of, Sabrina hangs back.

Santa– Aren’t you next?

Sabrina– Oh yeah, but, y’know, I… Now that I’m up here, I feel kinda silly.

One of the girls behind her has had enough of the sneaky little blonde girl and tries to push back to the front.

Sabrina– Hey-hey, back off sister!

She on Santa muscular, tanned lap in a millisecond.

Santa– Have you been a good girl?

Sabrina– Well I gave some money to charity, I um, volunteered at a shelter… Oh okay, back in April I looked at the answers before I did a crossword puzzle and then I acted all smart…!

Before she can add to her fall onto the naughty list, a dark haired woman arrives wearing a Santa hat and very little else under a white robe.

Mrs. Clause– Why don’t you take a break, Sweetie? Maybe some guys wanna sit on Mrs. Clause lap?

Roxie comes over.

Roxie– Sabrina, do you have any…

She stops dead in her tracks, her eyes springing wide as she stares at Mrs. Clause.

Roxie– (Cont.) Oh my God!… Mom!

Sabrina– Mom?

Candy King, Roxie’s mom comes round and gives Roxie a hug. Roxie looks none too pleased about it.

Candy– Ah, sweetheart! It’s so good to see ya.

Roxie– Why didn’t you tell me you were out of prison?

Sabrina– I’m guessing Hallmark doesn’t make a card for that occasion.

Candy– Er, listen, I wanted to get back on my feet before I saw you, so Zack and I took this job playin’ Santa at all the resorts. (Indicating Santa) Oh, meet Zack, my boyfriend.

Zack– Nice to meet ya. I’m crazy about you mom. She-She stole my heart.

Roxie– And then she pawned it, right?

Sabrina– Whoa! Oh, two Santa’s in one family? I mean, er, what are the odds?

Candy– Roxie, you have every right to feel the way you do about me, but I’ve changed. I really have.

Roxie– Right, and the cheque’s in the mail and the dog ate my homework and apple cinnamon candles make a great gift!

She turns on her heals and storms off.

Sabrina– (Calling after) Roxie?!

Candy– That didn’t go the way I hoped.

Sabrina– Oh she’s just kinda shocked to see you… and at least now you know not to get her an apple cinnamon candle.

Candy– No, I can’t blame her. I was really a pretty lousy mother.

Sabrina– Oh don’t worry, I’ll talk to her. Y’know, by this time tomorrow, you guys’ll be swapping outfits… Well maybe not that outfit.

Int. The condo’s kennels. The kennel attendant puts Salem into a large cage.

Attendant– Be a good kitty and keep quite.

He slams the cage door closed.

Attendant– (Cont.) I don’t put up with trouble makers around here!

Salem blinks in surprise.

Int. Leonard’s condo. There’s a knock at the door and Sabrina goes to answer it. It’s Candy, still in her Santa outfit.

Candy– Hi.

Sabrina– Oh. Hey, look who dropped by unexpectedly. It’s Candy… who paid her debt to society and is now trying to win back the affection of her daughter during this most this most forgiving of seasons.

Sabrina waves Candy in to join Roxie and Leonard.

Roxie– (Exasperated) Sabrina!

Leonard– Well hello there. Welcome to my crib.

Candy– Oh thank you. It’s very nice.

Leonard– Well make yourself comfortable… but don’t touch anything.

He goes to his room as Morgan enters from the balcony.

Morgan– I’m losing the sun on the balcony. I’m going back down to the pool.

She spots Candy.

Morgan– (Cont.) Oh, hi. Are the Rockettes playing here?

Sabrina– No-no-no, this is Candy, Roxie’s mom.

Morgan– Oh, it’s so nice to meet you. Listen, I’m a designer and I’d be glad to put together a new look for you. You know, now that you’re out of ‘The Big House’ We’ll stay away from stripes and jumpsuits.

Candy– You must be Morgan.

Morgan– And I must be going. The sun waits for no man.

She leaves.

Roxie– You know what? I-I think I’m going to go down to the pool.

She follows Morgan towards the door.

Sabrina– Oh, come on, Roxie. Stay and talk to your mom.

Roxie– I’m sorry, it’s just not the same without two phones and a Plexiglas window.

Just before Roxie opens the apartment door, Sabrina points at it. When she does open it she finds the quartet stood there singing.

Carollers– (Singing) We wish you a merry Christmas.
We wish you a merry Chr…

Roxie quickly shuts the door.

Sabrina– Hey, how about that? Room service delivers holiday cheer.

Candy– I get the feeling she’s trying to avoid me.

Roxie– Funny, I didn’t know you had feelings.

She tries the door again.

Carollers– (Singing) …Merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas…

She closes it again.

Sabrina– Come on, Roxie, it’s Christmas. This is the perfect time to work things out.

Roxie– Sabrina, why is this so important to you?

Sabrina– Do you wanna know why? Because your mom’s family and at least she’s here. Some of us don’t have that, Roxie. You know, I have great Christmas memories with my mom but, unfortunately, I can’t be with her right now.

Roxie– Don’t you get it? My mom’s the reason I’m trying to block out the holiday.

Candy– Wait, Sweetheart, please! Come here and sit down. Come on.

Reluctantly Roxie does.

Candy– (Cont.) Is this about the used gifts again?

Roxie– It wasn’t just the gifts. Do you realise we never even had a real Christmas? Other families went ice-skating or sipped mulled cider.

Sabrina– Oh! We don’t have any mulled cider but the last tenants left a bottle of grape juice that’s going bad?

Candy– Sweetheart, what did you expect? Your dad up and left me, I was scrimpin’ just to make ends meet.

Roxie– Mom, look up scrimping. It doesn’t involve high speed chases. Good-bye.

She gets up and opens the door.

Carollers– (Singing) …And a happy new year.
Good tidings…

The door closes again.

Sabrina– Y’know, that song has eleven verses so you might as well stay and work things out. You know, it’s never too late to start to make good Christmas memories.

Leonard comes from his room with a screwdriver. (The tool, not the drink)

Sabrina– (Cont.) Hey Leonard, let’s go down to the pool.

Leonard– Nah, I’ve still got to work on the fan.

Sabrina– Er, the gift shop is selling ‘Miami Vice’ action figures.

Leonard– Hmm, I did break my Crocket.

Sabrina– Okay. (To Roxie) All right, well, you know, you guys just give it a try. Go back to the beginning and try to hash it out, but just don’t go back too far. This is a time share.

She ushers Leonard out the door and leaves.

Roxie– Hey! What happened to the…

She opens the door.

Carollers– (Singing) …Your king.
Good tiding for Christmas
And a happy new year…

She closes the door with a frown.

Ext. The condo pool area that evening. The Miss Wet Christmas Contest is underway. The Master of Ceremonies has got a bevy of beautiful women lined up by the bar, each with something Christmassy about their person, and speaks into his microphone.

MC– And now our costume competition continues with contestant number eight, Morgan Cavanaugh.

Morgan sways through the archway in a one shoulder strap, one piece costume, a short black wrap skirt and fishnet stockings. The MC looks her up and down when she reaches him.

MC– (Cont.) Good getup babe, but what’s the Christmas theme?

She pulls a set of clip on antlers from behind her back and puts them on her head.

Morgan– I’m Vixen.

Int. Condo gift shop. Sabrina looks through the goods before going to the counter.

Sabrina– I’m looking for a nice gift for my friend. You know, something earthy, organic but definitely not apple cinnamon.

Before the sales girl can show her anything, Roxie enters having finally escaped the carollers.

Roxie– Hey Sabrina.

Sabrina– Oh, hey Roxie. I’m just looking for a gift for myself! Er, y’know, because I’m worth it, darn it. So, how did things go with your mom?

Roxie– We talked things out… Actually, we yelled things out, but it ended really well and, for once, when she hugged me good-bye, it wasn’t to use me as a human shield.

Sabrina– Hey, a human shield is just a hug facing out.

Morgan arrives with Leonard in tow with his camera.

Morgan– Well I’ve gotta hit the hay. I need my beauty sleep for the finals tomorrow.

Leonard– Yeah, I need a shower; rinse off some of this chlorine.

Roxie– You guys go ahead. I’m gonna pick out a present for my mom. (To Sabrina) Hey, thanks for helping us patch things up. I thought it was impossible but you made it happen.

She goes off to shop leaving Sabrina feeling very pleased with herself.

Sabrina– You know, that’s what the Christmas spirit is all about! It’s about helping people, not presents… but in case you’re still looking, I’m a size two.

Leonard-You brokered a reunion between Roxie and her mother?

Sabrina glows with a self satisfied smile.

Leonard– (Cont.) I am impressed.

Morgan– Yeah, they should send you to work out that whole Mid-West crisis.

Sabrina– It’s useless, Morgan. The Dakotas will never get back together.

Int. The condo’s kennels. Salem finishes putting up a poster of a cute kitty with the legend. ‘Hang in there baby’

Salem– This posters never been put to better use. (Calling out to his fellow inmates) Don’t worry fella’s, I’ll contact Bob Barker! He’ll get you out o’ here.

The door at the end opens and the attendant enters. Salem slips out of site behind is poster. The Kennel Redemption.

Int. Leonard’s condo. Leonard leads the way into the darkened apartment for Sabrina and Morgan.

Leonard– Time to mellow out. I’ll put on some Luther Van Dross and…

He turns on the lights to find the entertainment centre gone along with pretty much everything else in the apartment. They all look around in shock.

Leonard– Oh – my – God!

Morgan– Everything is gone! What happened?

Sabrina bends down and picks up a discarded Santa hat.

Sabrina– I think, maybe, Roxie’s mom stole Christmas. Yeah, I must have misjudges Candy. It seemed like she wanted to turn over a new leaf.

Morgan– Instead, she turned over the whole condo! Well don’t just stand there, Leonard, start videotaping what was stolen.

He holds up his video camera before realising what a dumb idea that is.

Leonard– You know, Sabrina, this was all your fault! The timeshare rules are very clear: No smoking, no pets, no felons!

Morgan– We should call the police.

Sabrina– Wait-wait-wait-wait! Roxie’s gonna be devastated. Maybe I can get our stuff back before Roxie finds out?

Morgan– I think she’ll catch on when she has to brush her teeth with her finger!

Sabrina– I’ve gotta go talk to Candy.

She heads for the door but it opens just as she arrives.

Roxie– Hey guys. What’s new?

Sabrina grabs her and turns her around so she’s not looking into the room.

Sabrina– Not a thing, er, but I’ll tell you what’s getting old. The food at the midnight buffet! Gotta go.

Roxie– But it’s only, like, eleven?

Sabrina– Er, then we can be there when the countdown starts for the giant cheese ball to drop.

She drags Roxie out of the room and they are followed by Morgan and Leonard who are both looking totally confused.

Ext. The condo pool area. A long table has been set up and is laden with silver salvers and tureens but is devoid of anything in them.

Roxie– Sabrina, the food hasn’t even been put out yet.

Sabrina– Or… someone got their moneys worth from the all you can eat buffet.

Roxie wonders off as Sabrina spots Candy sitting with Zack on a sun bed, both still in their Santa outfits.

Sabrina– (To Morgan) Okay, you go and distract Roxie.

Morgan– Okay… How?

Sabrina– Haven’t you ever distracted anyone before?

Morgan– Well yeah, but I don’t think she’s gonna fall for the ‘Whoops, my strap broke’ trick.

Sabrina– Well it’s worth a shot.

She pushes Morgan after Roxie and turns.

Sabrina– (Cont.) Now Leonard…?

She’s talking to thin air. She looks up, down and around and finally sees that he has pre-empted her and has confronted Candy and Zack. She dashes over.

Leonard– All I want to know is where were you between the hours of…

He checks his wrist.

Leonard– (Cont.) I don’t know because you stole my watch too.

Candy– This is ridiculous! (To Sabrina) Your boyfriend here is accusing me of rippin’ off your condo!

Sabrina– Oh! Well we’ll get back to the disturbing ‘Boyfriend’ comment in a minute, but our condo was robbed.

Candy– You’re calling me a thief?!

Sabrina– How about um… merchandise relocation engineer?

Leonard– Come on, when you were up there earlier, I saw you eyeing my humidifier. It was a graduation present and I want it back!

Morgan was only able to keep Roxie distracted for so long as she only had one strap to break on her costume. Roxie comes over.

Roxie– Hey, what’s going on?

Candy– Oh nothin’ I’m just havin’ a nightcap of being falsely accused.

Zack– Your friends think your mom ripped off your condo.

Sabrina– Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! Now you’re putting words in my mouth. By coincidence, they are the very words I was gonna use.

Candy– Roxie, I swear I didn’t steal anything. I don’t do that anymore!

Roxie– Well mom, it’s just like old times. Thanks for disappointing me again.

She walks away in disgust.

Candy– (To Sabrina) I hope you’re satisfied!

She walks off in the other direction.

Zack– Yeah, nice goin’

He follows after Candy.

Sabrina– (Calling after) What is this? ‘Walk away from Sabrina’ night?

Leonard– I’m just curious. How would that ‘Boyfriend’ comment be disturbing? (On her look) Not the right time. Got ya.

Sabrina– Maybe I was wrong. I mean, I was just trying to help but now Roxie hates Candy, Candy hates me. Yep, I’ve managed to destroy Christmas for just about everybody.

She walks off so it’s more likely ‘Walk away from Leonard’ night. To get back to the apartment she has to pass through the carollers.

Carollers– (Singing) Oh bring us a Figgie pudding
Oh bring us a…

Sabrina– (Yelling) For crying out loud, learn another song!

She’s leaves.

Int. Leonard’s condo. The air vent grill drops out and Salem drops in completing his daring escape from the kennels.

Salem– He-he-he!

He jumps up onto the table just as Sabrina enters.

Sabrina– Salem, what are you doing here?

Salem– I busted out o’ that kennel! They treated us like animals.

Sabrina– I’m sorry I had to put you in there. You know, if it’s any consolation, things aren’t so good on the outside either. We were robbed.

Salem– Robbed! Who did it?

Sabrina– I don’t know, but it’d be really cool if it was Roxie’s mom since I already accused her.

Salem– I’ll help you solve the crime if you let me stay here?

Sabrina– Fine, but you have to hide when Leonard’s around. Cat dander gives him a full body rash.

Salem– Deal! So, Detective Spellman, maybe we should use what psychic investigators call ‘Retro Cognition’?

Sabrina– Or we could use what witches call ‘Going back in time to see who did it’? Okay, let’s see what was going on in here a few hours ago.

She points and a ships control handle arrives in the centre of the room. The type that signals ‘Full ahead’, ‘All stop’ and the like.

Sabrina– (Cont.) Ooh! It’s a good thing I learned how to drive stick.

She pulls the lever towards her and there’s the feeling of great speed while not moving at all but she has overshot the mark by a few millennia. The both look up at the enormous brontosaurus’ nibbling the topmost branches of the trees.

Salem– <Sob! Sob! Sob!> I think you went back a bit too far!

Sabrina– Relax Salem, they’re herbivores.

Salem– Well then throw them someone named Herb and let’s get out o’ here!

She pushes the lever forward and, again, there’s that rush of speed through time until they’re back in the apartment but insubstantial as the, as yet, unstolen property is visible through their translucent bodies.

Sabrina– Okay, now we’re closer.

Leonard enters with just a towel wrapped round his waist.

Salem– Er, should I hide?

Leonard stands before the mirror and flexes his muscles, posing.

Sabrina– Okay, let’s get out o’ here before he pulls a full Leonard!

She pushes the lever forward again they dash forward a few hours.

Salem– (With eyes closed) Is he gone?

Sabrina– All clear… and we’re here.

The translucent pair stand and watch as someone sneaks into the room wearing a long white robe with a hood.

Sabrina– (Cont) I think we have our culprit.

Salem– It’s Oscar De La Hoya!

The intruder pulls back the hood to reveal…

Sabrina– <Gasp!> It’s Zack!

Salem– And he’s taking Leonard’s TV. He’s steeling the VCR and the DVD, the stereo with the MP3. Why that rotten old Zack even stole the Tepee.

Sabrina– Keep that up and you’re gonna be ‘The cat in the hat went splat’

Salem– Cheer up, you’ve got your criminal. Mystery solved.

Sabrina– It’s not that simple. I can’t exactly tell Roxie how I know Zack did it. I have to show her proof.

Salem– Yeah… Good luck.

Sabrina– Tell me what you think of this plan, I just came up with it… Well, actually, I saw it in an old episode of ‘Columbo’

Ext. The condo pool area, the next day. Morgan lines up with the other Miss Wet Christmas contestants.

MC– As soon as the judges tally up their results we’ll have our new Miss Wet Christmas!

The spectators applaud as the contestants split up. Morgan walks over to join Sabrina, Roxie and Leonard.

Morgan– How did I do?

Sabrina– You know, I have to hand it to you, Morgan. I never thought gargling was a talent but you really pulled it off.

Morgan– It’s a gift.

Sabrina– Hey, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t I videotape you when they announce the winner? (Very loud) Oh darn! I left the video camera upstairs!

She makes sure that it’s loud enough that Zack and Candy who are sat nearby can hear it.

Morgan– Sabrina! We have one thing that isn’t stolen and you leave it in the room?

Zack whispers into Candy’s ear and, at her nod, he gets up and leaves.

Sabrina– I’ll tell you what, Morgan. Y’know what? If you win I’ll go and get the video recorder and we’ll re-enact your victory.

Morgan– Okay… but I get final approval on who plays me!

She goes back to join her fellow contestants while Sabrina puts phase two of her cunning plan into action by going over to Candy.

Sabrina– Hey Candy, where’s Zack?

Candy– Why, you got somethin’ you wanna blame him for?

Sabrina– Just come with me. Roxie, you too.

Roxie– What’s going on?

Sabrina– You’ll see. Hey, Leonard, wanna help me nab the perp?

Leonard– I’ll come with you but I’m not going to be part of your whole crime fighting SWAT team shtick.

Int. Leonard’s condo. Leonard bursts through the door like Starsky… or maybe Hutch.

Leonard– Freeze, Scuzball!

The apartment is empty.

Roxie– So, what’s the big revelation?

Sabrina– I don’t get it? I felt for sure he’d come here to steal the video camera.

She looks down at the unstolen video camera.

Roxie– Who, Zack?

Candy– Zack? Are you kidding me? Zack is one of the most decent men I’ve ever met!

Zack– (OS) <Atchoo!>

They turn as one towards the closet by the door. Sabrina dashes over and opens it. Zack comes out along with a small black cat waving his tail proudly in the air.

Zack– Oh, stupid cat!

Sabrina– Oh, here’s your proof.

Leonard– (Advancing on them) I don’t believe this. This is an invasion! I feel totally violated!

He waves his finger threateningly and Zack back away from him.

Leonard– (Cont.) How could you bring that cat back in here?

Sabrina– Er Leonard! Bigger issues!

He throws up his arms and goes off to his room while Candy moves threateningly towards Zack. This time he has good reason to back off.

Candy– You actually let them think that I did it!

Roxie– You can’t treat my mom like this! She’s way to good for you.

Zack– Oh, come on. She’s just bitter that I beat her to it.

Roxie– Wrong, loser! She’s through with that life.

Candy– Yeah, and I’m through with you.

Sabrina– Look at this. The two of you side by side, intimidating some creep who stole all our stuff. This is what Christmas is all about.

Zack– All right-all right, I’ll give you back your stuff.

He makes a run for the door. Sabrina flicks her finger at it before he gets there and when it opens.

Carollers– (Singing) We wont go until we get some.
We wont go until we get some.
We…

He slams the door closed, trapped.

Sabrina– I’m guessing they wont go until they get some. So er, anybody got some?

Roxie and her mom shake their heads.

Later, A blazing log fire sheds a warming glow around the apartment from the wide screen TV and crackles realistically through the ‘State of the art’ stereo system as everyone gathers round and sips eggnogs.

Sabrina– You know, nothing says Christmas eve like warming my toes in front of a picture of a fire.

Candy– I propose a toast. To Sabrina, who restored my good name.

Morgan & Roxie– (Together) To Sabrina.

Leonard– And to a condo filled with attractive babes… (At everyone’s silence) I’m not helping myself, am I?

Sabrina shakes her head with a smile.

Sabrina– Oh, and to our new ‘Miss Wet Christmas’ Sorry we didn’t videotape you being crowned.

Morgan– Oh that’s okay, I-I wasn’t actually crowned.

Candy– (To Roxie) Is this more like the kind of Christmas you were thinking about, sweetheart?

Roxie– Yeah, kind of… but being in Florida, it doesn’t really feel like Christmas.

Sabrina overhears and as she walks by the veranda doors, she adds a little Christmas magic.

Sabrina– Hey look, it’s snowing!

Roxie– What?!

Leonard– Snowing? No way!

Candy– Are you kidding?

Sabrina opens the doors and leads everyone out.

Candy– Oh my God, it is snowing!

Sabrina– Hey Roxie, you know how you’ve always wanted to go ice-skating with your mom?

Roxie– Look the pools frozen!

Ext. The condo pool area. The carollers stand in thick Christmassy sweaters and scarves by the swimming pool.

Carollers– (Singing) We wish you a merry Christmas.
We wish you a merry Christmas.
We wish you a merry Christmas,
And a happy new year.

Two inexpert skaters make their way skittering and skattering passed clinging to each other for support and laughing.

Caroller– (Singing) Good tidings we bring
To you and your king.
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year.

The pair of skaters collapse in fits of giggles watches from a condo balcony.

Morgan– Now that is the very picture of Christmas.

Leonard– Watching them makes me want to do something Christmassy. You know, we haven’t tried the hot tub yet?

Sabrina– I’ll tell you what, Leonard. When that freezes over, count me in.

Caroller– (Singing) Good tidings we bring
To you and your king.
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year.

Int. Spellman living room. It may be late but the girls are feeling all Christmassy as the put up a Christmas tree.

Sabrina– You know, Roxie, I still feel bad I never had time to buy you a present.

Morgan cringes as she recalls that she didn’t get Roxie anything either.

Roxie– You gave me the best present ever; the chance to go ice-skating with my mom.

Morgan– Oh, actually, that was from both of us.

Sabrina– Oh guys, I almost forgot. Leonard sent us a card.

Morgan– I get dibs on any cash!

Sabrina opens the card.

Sabrina– Oh, it’s a bill. (Reading) ‘Crumbs on the carpet: twelve dollars, Failure to rewind Yule log: nine dollars, rubbing lotion on Morgan: priceless!’

Caroller– (Singing) And a hap-py new year!

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One Response to “It’s A Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot Christmas”

  1. Sabrina The Teenage Witch Transcripts « The Sabrina Transcripts Says:

    […] The Big Head Call Me Crazy Shift Happens Free Sabrina Sabrina Unplugged Witch Way Out Bada-Ping! It’s A Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot Christmas The Lyin’ The Witch And The Wardrobe Ping Ping A Song In Sabrina We Trust Sabrina In […]

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