Sabrina, Nipping At Your Nose


Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Sabrina, Nipping At Your Nose

Written By – Frank Conniff
Transcribed By – Paul Booth

Cast

Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Mr. Kraft – Martin Mull
Josh – David Lascher
Danny Bonaduce – Danny Bonaduce
Mother Nature – Nancy Linari
Powell – Ed Gale
Pressburger – Dana Woods
Young Mr. Kraft – Will Jennings
French Hen – Mary Bogue
Customer – Phyllis Franklin

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman kitchen. There’s a particularly festive feel with ‘Deck the halls’ playing on the radio, Hilda and Zelda making festive treats and Salem sitting on the counter wearing a Santa hat.

Salem– Ah this beautiful carol takes me back. Mumsy would hum it while she baked gingerbread until she realised that the oven was set too high and then the screaming would start. Oh I love Christmas.

Hilda– Salem, I hate to throw a wet Yule-log on your warm, heart felt Christmas memories but… Zelda and I aren’t getting you an eighteen wheel big rig.

Salem– But it’s all I asked for!

Zelda– Face it, you’re bad with gears.

Salem– Fine, I don’t need your gifts because this year my true-love is sending me the twelve days of Christmas.

Zelda– Who is your true-love?

Salem– Moi! I ordered it from the Other Realm’s online eighty-nine cents store.

Hilda– Oh I love the eighty-nine cents store. Except for that exact change rule.

Salem– It’s a beautiful way for me to tell me I love me.

Sabrina enters from the back door wrapped in scarf and gloves. she quickly pulls the door closed behind her.

Sabrina– Oh! This endless cold snap is making me snap. This is the worst time of year.

Zelda– You’re not anti-Christmas again are you?

Sabrina– No, I’m anti-windy, sub-freezing, post-apocalyptic weather. I love Christmas.

The toaster pops up a message. Hilda takes it from the toaster.

Hilda– Oh. Salem, it says here your first twelve days of Christmas present is about to arrive.

Sparkling lights resolve themselves into a large pear tree filling most of the kitchen. Sitting in the branches is a Partridge… The little ginger one.

Salem– Danny Bonaduce! This is the best Partridge in a pear tree I could ask for.

Danny jumps down from the tree.

Danny– Happy holidays everyone. Cool, egg-nog. You got any ham?

Salem– Back in the tree Bonaduce!

Danny– I gotta get a better agent.

Run opening credits.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Later. Sabrina comes down stairs a little concerned.

Sabrina– Okay, I am terrified of going outside. If I see my breath one more time, I’m gonna smack it up-side it’s head.

Radio– And now it’s time for WWVG’s Christmas get-away contest. The first caller to answer this question correctly will win four free tickets for a week long trip to tropical Jamaica, starting Christmas day.

Sabrina– What? Four tickets?

She points at Hilda.

Sabrina– (Cont.) One.

Then at herself.

Sabrina– (Cont.) Two.

Next at Zelda.

Sabrina– (Cont.) Three.

She glances at Salem.

Sabrina– (Cont.) And a mortal. We could bring Harvey! Oh wait, we have to win it first.

She dashes to the phone.

Radio– The subject is science…

Sabrina– Oh science! We’ve won! Aunt Zelda just answer it.

Zelda– Sabrina, I don’t know everything about science.

Hilda– You think you do.

Sabrina hands Zelda the phone after already dialling the radio station..

Radio– Here’s our question. What parameter measures the relative magnitude of viscous forces, the correalis forces and the rotating flow of viscous, incompressible fluids?

As the question is asked Hilda and Sabrina look at each other with a sinking feeling in the hearts.

Zelda– (Down phone) Well everyone and his donkey knows that. Ekman number.

Radio– That’s correct!

Sabrina– (Singing and dancing) We’re going to Jamaica! We’re going to Jamaica!

Zelda hands the phone back to Sabrina.

Zelda– This man says we’re going to Jamaica.

Sabrina– Oh my gosh! Harvey and I are going to have so much fun! And I’m sure there’s old age stuff for you guys to do there too.

Hilda– Sabrina, Zelda won the tickets, she should pick the mortal of her choice. I vote for Antonio Banderas. Oh please!

Zelda– Of course Harvey can come.

Sabrina– Thank you aunt Zelda! You’re the greatest aunt who ever lived.

She gives Zelda a big hug.

Sabrina– (Cont.)(To Hilda) Don’t worry, second place is nothing to be ashamed of.

Int. Westbridge High School English class. The bell rings signalling the time honoured stuffing of books into bags and scramble for the door. Harvey and Sabrina get jammed into the log-jam of bodies at the door.

Sabrina– So Harvey, d’ya have any plans for Christmas?

Harvey– Well my moms taking my little brother and the baby to visit grandma’s. So that means there’ll just be me, dad and his patented ‘A working man never gets a break’ speech.

Sabrina– Fantastic! Well I mean I have a great surprise for you. Just don’t make any plans for a week starting Christmas day okay.

Int. School hallway. The logs-jam bursts letting them out into the hallway.

Harvey– Well I was gonna go to the Freddie Krugger marathon at the Revival House on…

Sabrina– No-no-no! Don’t buy tickets for that, do you hear me? Don’t make plans. Do not make plans!

Harvey– Okay, I wont make plans.

Sabrina– No-no! Even planing not to make plans smacks of making plans. Don’t!

Int. Spellman living room. Salem sits looking over his latest twelve days of Christmas present. Two turtle-doves. Zelda and Hilda enter through the front door, allowing a cold blast of air and a flurry of snow in with them They shake snow from their winter coats before removing them.

Zelda– Oh, I have never seen the clock shop so busy. My feet are killing me.

Hilda– Oh, My cheeks are killing me.

Zelda looks at her sister questioningly.

Hilda– (Cont.) From smiling at the customers. Pretending to be polite is so exhausting.

Salem– Look at these two turtle-doves. They’re just turtles with wings stapled on. Since when did the eighty-nine cents store start selling cheap and shoddy merchandise?

Zelda– Maybe they really can fly? No, they’d have to be alive to do that.

Int. Bean there, Brewed that coffee house. Sabrina and Josh have been busy around the place. They both walk to the counter.

Josh– Ready?

He flicks the switch and the bright festive Christmas tree lights and twinkle lights around the windows and walls come on.

Josh– (Cont.) This almost makes me wish I wasn’t Muslim.

Sabrina– Yeah, but you’d miss the flare prayer.

Josh– Should we leave the tree naked?

Sabrina– No, children might see it.

Mr. Kraft enters shaking snow from his jacket as Sabrina sets about decorating the tree. He stands unseen behind her as she takes a bauble from the box and hangs it on a branch. When she turns her head to pick up the next decoration he removes the one she’s just placed. She hangs another. He takes it down. When she goes to hang a bauble on the same branch for the third time she becomes suspicious.

Sabrina– Hey?!

She looks round and sees Mr. Kraft stood behind her.

Mr. Kraft– Sabrina, tell your aunt Zelda that grammy’s going to Vagas and she will not take me. So now that Zelda is off to Jamaica, I’m spending another Christmas alone.

Sabrina– I’m sorry.

Mr. Kraft– Oh and you can add this…

He blows a raspberry and heads off to the counter. Josh comes over.

Josh– What was that?

Sabrina– Er my principle slash aunts boyfriend. It’s sort of my fault he’s going to be alone slash sad on Christmas.

Josh– Yeah, y’see I would o’ blamed the personality.

Sabrina– Maybe I should talk to him.

She heads over to where he’s stood by the counter but he’s not interested in talk, he’s much happier yanking on a piece of tinsel and bringing the shops decorations down.

Mr. Kraft– Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Sabrina and Josh watch open mouthed as the paper-chain reaction makes it’s way all round the shop, culminating in the large plastic father Christmas light toppling over. All their hard work is in ruins.

Mr. Kraft– I ho-ho-hope you all enjoy the holidays. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

He leaves laughing maniacally.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Three overweight women in curlers sit nattering in French together under hair-dryers in the middle of the kitchen. Salem explains their presence to Hilda and Zelda.

Salem– They’re the three French hens I ordered and they’re not what I had in mind at all.

Ever the fashion victim. Sabrina comes down the stairs in the latest thing for the dry-land challenged. There is something about a cute girl in rubber… but not in this case. She wears a gaudy pink and black wet-suit with luminous yellow mask, snorkel and flipper accessories.

Zelda– Okay, I give up trying to keep pace with teen fashion.

Sabrina– It’s for Jamaica. Harvey and I are gonna frolic with the fishes. I mean since we can’t gamble.

Radio– We interrupt this program to bring you a special weather bulletin. Due to severe Winter conditions, all airports on the Eastern seaboard have been closed indefinitely.

Sabrina– No! You can’t do that! You can’t ruin mine and Harvey’s vacation!

Zelda– I know you’re disappointed but look on the bright side.

Hilda– It’ll be a white Christmas. That’s pretty cool huh?

Zelda– And we’ll all be together. That’s the important thing.

Sabrina– Oh you’re talking crazy-talk!

She flips and flops her way towards the stairs.

Hilda– Great, we’ve just been called crazy by someone in a rubber suit.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina stands at the window watching the snow fall accusingly.

Sabrina– No two snow-flakes are alike my butt! You’re all united in your mission to ruin my Christmas!

She stamps her foot in frustration.

Salem– Y’know Mark Twain once said ‘Gee this mustache itches’ and he also said ‘Everyone talks about the weather, but no-one does anything about it’

Sabrina– Oh so what you’re saying is, I should use my magic to change the weather? What a great idea.

Salem– Hmm.

Sabrina– So that I may be able to travel freely, send the snow away, I mean it really.

She does her finger thing to activate her spell and glances out the window again.

Sabrina– (Cont.) The snow! It’s stopped! It’s stopped!

The French windows open as a gust of freezing wind whips up the standing snow and blows it in a mini blizzard around Sabrina. She’s lost in a blur of swirling flakes and when they settle all that stands there is a three ball snowman with twigs for arms, a carrot for a nose, coal for eyes and buttons and a top-hat and scarf.

Salem– It looks like the spell went wrong in an unexpected way. How unusual.

Sabrina, The Snowman– This look is not gonna work with my new bikini.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. The place is bulging at the seams with last minute Christmas shoppers. Hilda finds Zelda amongst the crowd.

Hilda– We’re swamped and we’re short handed. Why do they only loan prisoners out to clean highways?

Zelda feels in need of a break also. A twirl of her finger freezes time.

Zelda– Let’s get some help from the Other Realm. ‘To help us cope with the Christmas rush, send us workers in a hurry. In other words, mush!’

Another twirl of her finger and two rather short workers appear sat on the counter. They have green pointy hats, green dungarees, green curl-toed boots all over red and white hooped long-johns and ears Mr. Spock would be proud of.

Hilda– You two look like Santa’s elves.

Powell– The uniforms always give us away. I’m Powell, this is Pressburger.

He hands Hilda their references.

Hilda– (Reading) It say’s here, you left Santa’s workshop over creative differences. Please elaborate?

Powell– I don’t wanna slam Santa but… let me put it to you this way. He doesn’t have much of a sense of humour when it comes to ‘fat’ jokes, not even the funny ones.

Pressburger– And that kiss between me and Mrs. Clause. There was mistletoe all over the workshop for crying out loud.

Zelda– (Reading) Tell me about your years at Harvard?

Powell– Complete fabrication.

Hilda– Thank goodness, you’re hired.

Zelda twirls her finger again, unfreezing time. A customer spots the two new helpers.

Customer– Christmas elves! What a great promotional gimmick.

Pressburger– Hey lady, sensuround was a gimmick; we work here.

Int. Spellman living room. Things haven’t changed much since we left. Except for the slowly spreading puddle of melt water at Sabrina’s base.

Sabrina, The Snowman– I’m feeling a little warm. Turn the air-conditioning all the way up before I melt, hurry.

Salem– Okay! Okay! Boy, whenever the molecular structure of your body changes, you become really irritable.

He jumps up onto the side board and turns the air-conditioning controls with his paw. While he’s up there, he thinks it might put her in a better mood if he turned on the Christmas tree lights at the same time. This might have been a good idea had the snowman not been stood directly beside the tree.

Sabrina, The Snowman– I’m remembering a formula I learned in seventh-grade science. Burning hot electrical bulb equals… Heat!

Salem– Don’t worry Sabrina, I’ll figure out a way to keep you cool until you can figure out a way to reverse the spell.

Later. Things are still pretty much the same… except that Sabrina is now just a one ball snowhead in a large puddle of water.

Sabrina, The Snowhead– Figuring stuff out is not our strong suit is it? Hey! Stop drinking that! That’s my un-reconstituted right leg!

Hilda and Zelda get home from the clock shop.

Zelda– Sabrina! What happened?

Hilda– What’s with the puddle?

Sabrina, The Snowhead– I er… had a little accident.

She explains what happened.

Hilda– We can’t reverse the spell.

Zelda– The only way to plead your case is to go directly to Mother Nature.

Sabrina, The Snowhead– Can we do it now? In the words of another famous witch. ‘I’m melting!’

Int. Mother Nature’s office. The Other Realm. Old Mother Nature has moved with the times. Her power-office is crammed with all the latest satellite meteorological gadgetry. She strides purposefully and confidently before the large picture window with a hands free phone fastened in her ear. Her business suit and demeanour screams ‘Don’t mess with me!’

Mother Nature– (On phone)Hello Steve? Hurricane Steve? Yeah, this is Mother Nature. I need you to make a swing to the Virgin Islands later this week… Don’t give me any of that ‘I’m just a tropical storm’ business. Get off your tail-winds and get down there pronto.

She cuts off the phone as Zelda and Hilda knock and enter.

Zelda– Mother Nature? Um, we’re sorry to bother you.

Hilda– She’s Zelda Spellman, I’m Hilda Spellman and this is our niece, Sabrina.

She plonks a metal bucket full of melt water on Mother Natures desk with a bump.

Sabrina, The Bucket– Hey! Sorry about my appearance, I’m a little pale right now. <B-bum!>

Mother Nature– Oh I know you, you’re the selfish little brat who changed the weather.

Sabrina, The Bucket– Yeah but that’s all water under the bridge. In fact, I’m water under the bridge. <B-bum!>

Mother Nature– (To the aunts) This spell always makes people talk in puns, I hate that. (To Sabrina) And you should know that the snow was stopping tonight anyway.

Sabrina, The Bucket– Whoo-hoo! I’m Jamaica bound… in a thermos. <B-bum!>

Zelda– What Sabrina did was wrong but she is a first time offender. Can’t you please change her back?

Hilda– Teenagers are enough of a handful without them clogging our drainage systems.

Mother Nature– Ah well it is Christmas time and I don’t want to be unseasonably mean, so okay.

She points at the bucket. Water springs out into a familiar form and solidifies into the Sabrina we all know and love. The one that tries to wheedle her way out of trouble with a bright and innocent smile.

Sabrina– (Brightly) Ah thanks. Well I’m sure there’s a third-world town you need to reduce to rubble so we’d better get going.

Mother Nature– Just a minute young lady! You’re not getting off that easily. I am going to punch some data into my super-computer which will scientifically decide the most severe punishment for you.

Sabrina’s watched enough of the Discovery Channel to know just how merciless nature can be.

Sabrina– Oh no, what terrible fate awaits me?

Her mind conjures up horrors. Shackled and chained spread-eagled in the deepest bowels of the Other Realm weather center. Mother Nature throws her most destructive forces at the helpless girl.

Sabrina– Not a tornado!

The powerful swirling winds wrench and tear at her. Whipping her hair about her head while the chains rattle and strain but they’re strong and hold her in place.

Sabrina– Aw! Aw! Not hail!

Pieces of ice the size of golf-balls pummel and bruise he body, driven by the force of the hurricane winds. She screws her eyes shut and tries to turn her face away from the onslaught but the swirling winds come from all directions.

Sabrina– Oh-no! Not lightning!!

Thunder crashes in her dungeon cell and thousand of volts flashes into her chains to earth itself through her tired, beaten and bruised body. Locking her muscles in agonising pain She shakes the terrible images from her mind a focuses back onto Mother Nature who is still consulting her computer. Finally the weather woman raises her head from the screen and hands down a sentence that makes those of Sabrina’s own imagining seem more like the joys of nature.

Mother Nature– You must spend time with a certain Willard Kraft and cheer him up.

SabrinaNooooooo!! How about a little Hail?!

Hilda puts an arm around Sabrina to try and comfort her.

Hilda– Be strong honey. Be strong.

Mother Nature– Here, wear this Christmas tree pin on your lapel. When the star on the pin lights up like this…

A little red star on top of the Christmas tree flashes on and off.

Mother Nature– (Cont.) …Mr. Kraft will be sufficiently cheered and your punishment will be over.

Sabrina– (Taking the pin) Great. On top of everything else, I have to wear an ugly accessory.

Int. Spellman living room. Salem’s in-between nap rest is interrupted by an agitated Sabrina who enters with the phone.

Sabrina– I can’t find Mr. Kraft anywhere, and I’ve called all his usual haunts. His home, Custer’s Steakhouse, Pat Buchanan for President headquarters.

Salem– Have you tried Westbridge High?

Sabrina– Oh come on, being at school during Christmas vacation? That’s beyond pathetic, that’s pathalo… That’s where he is!

She stands up to go but quickly sits down again when another of Mother Natures favourites comes to call. An earthquake shakes the house.

Salem– It’s the nine lady’s dancing. Nine of the largest, most ungraceful lady’s you’ll ever meet. (Calling out) KNOCK IT OFF! Some of us are trying to sleep away the morning!

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Zelda’s checking the till.

Zelda– That’s odd, we’re missing money from the cash register.

Hilda– Well I know you didn’t take it and I know I didn’t take it, so who could it be?

Powell and Pressburger come through from the workshop.

Powell– We’re going to the bank to make a deposit. We’ll be back in five.

Hilda– See ya.

Hilda and Zelda wave them off as they leave the shop.

Hilda– (Cont.) Who could it be?

Int. Westbridge High School. Principle Kraft’s office. Sabrina enters and finds Mr. Kraft at his desk going over school records. She stands before his desk with her hands behind her back.

Mr. Kraft– Yes! I’ve found some kids who are qualified for suspension! What are you doing here?

Sabrina– Er… I just came by to see what your favourite kind of Christmas food is?

Mr. Kraft– Figgy-pudding. Go away.

Sabrina– That’s so funny! Because I was thinking about you this afternoon and I was thinking, he looks like a figgy-pudding kinda guy, so…

There’s a ping of magic and Sabrina produces a large figgy-pudding

Sabrina– (Cont.) I baked you this.

Mr. Kraft– D’ya think I’m a fool?

Sabrina– Rhetorical question.

Mr. Kraft– This was not baked with love but just to curry favour with the man in power, but guess what?

He reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a napkin and a fork.

Mr. Kraft– (Cont.) I’m gonna eat all of it.

He takes the pudding. Tucks the napkin in his shirt collar and dives in with his fork.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. Things are still busy.

Hilda– I’ve got it! Powell and Pressburger stole our money!

Zelda– Hilda, you always suspect the worst in people. Come on, have some faith in your fellow man.

She does the time freezing thing again.

Zelda– But just in case the little hooligan’s snatched the dough, let’s watch the surveillance camera.

Zelda’s finger is as busy as the shop is. She points and a magical monitor appears showing two elves helping themselves from the cash register.

Hilda– Even when you hire people you don’t know on the spur of the moment, it can still backfire on you. Oh it makes me so mad!

Zelda– Hilda, this is the Christmas season. We must have compassion.

The magic monitor has sound. On it we see and hear.

Zelda– (Calling from the workshop) Powell! Pressburger! Straighten up the back room okay?

Powell– Sure thing. (Imitating Zelda) Straighten up the back room okay?

He pulls at his short dungarees and minces across the shop taking the Micky out of Zelda.

The watching Zelda is not amused.

Zelda– Those felonious little rogue elves.

Hilda– Oh come on, lighten up.

Back on the monitor it’s Pressburger’s turn. He pushes vainly at his imaginary hair and strikes as pose.

Pressburger– Look at me. I’m Hilda, I own a clock shop, I pay minimum wage.

Now it’s Hilda’s turn not to see the funny side.

Hilda– Okay, they’re sled-kill.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The Scottish Guards marching band complete with bagpipes are driving poor Salem to stick his paws in his ears.

Salem– Twelve drummers drumming. Eleven pipers piping. One cat crumbling, <Sob!> Enough. ENOUGH!

Int. Westbridge High School principles office. Mr. Kraft scrapes the last few crumbs of figgy-pudding from the plate.

Sabrina– That was good huh?

Mr. Kraft– Yes it was.

Sabrina– And you’re feeling cheerful now huh?

Mr. Kraft– Well I can feel the sugar surging through my body giving me comfort.

Sabrina– You can?

She checks the light on her Christmas tree broach but it’s not flashing.

Mr. Kraft– Yes and I feel that now my sugar-rush if officially over. <Sob!>

He slumps back in his chair.

Sabrina– Oh-no, we’re getting further and further away from the land of cheerful.

Mr. Kraft– <Sob!> I don’t really care for this time of year. <Sob!>

Sabrina– <Sob!> Oh I’m never going to get to Jamaica. Oh okay, let’s snap out of it. Who wants to go for a walk?

Mr. Kraft– <Sob!> Not me.

Sabrina– Great, let’s go.

She grabs hold of Mr. Kraft’s arm and drags him and his chair for a walk.

Mr. Kraft– <Sob!> No.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. The elves are back from the bank.

Zelda– I just want to remind you two that Christmas isn’t just about getting stuff, or say… money. It’s also about honesty and overcoming your bad impulses.

Powell– That’s a good point. In fact we’ve gone out of our way not to get drunk during business hours.

Sabrina enters pushing Mr. Kraft before her. He sees Zelda.

Mr. Kraft– Oh, we’re at Zoo-Zoo’s store.

Zelda– Hi Monkey.

Mr. Kraft– Hi.

Sabrina– Aunt Zelda, I need to speak to you alone.

She points at Mr. Kraft and he starts poking in his ears.

Mr. Kraft– I can’t hear!

Sabrina– I have tried everything! I was pushing him in the park at the swings just now and not even so much as a ‘Weeeeee!’ You’ve gotta help me.

Zelda– Oh honey, I’d drop everything in a second to help my Willard…

Who his currently leaning to one side and slapping at his ear in an attempt to dislodge anything that might have got stuck in there.

Zelda– (Cont.) …but according to Mother Nature, I’m not allowed to. It’s your punishment to cheer him up.

She leaves and Sabrina waves her finger in Mr. Kraft’s general direction.

Mr. Kraft– Oh! I can hear again.

Sabrina– Yeah, how’s that for cheerful good news?

But no flashing Christmas tree light. She taps at the broach with her finger

Sabrina– (Cont.)<Sigh!> Is this thing on? Mr. Kraft, why are you so miserable at Christmas time?

Mr. Kraft– Because I’ve never had a good one, at least none that I can remember.

Sabrina– Maybe I can help.

Int. Workroom. Sabrina brings Mr. Kraft through.

Hilda– Oh! This area is for employees only!

Sabrina points at Mr. Kraft again while he’s not looking. He pokes his ear again.

Mr. Kraft– What’s wrong with me? DID I JUST SAY ‘WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?’ BECAUSE I COULDN’T HEAR IT.

Sabrina– I’m gonna take Mr. Kraft back through the ‘grandfather time’ clock so that he can remember a good Christmas and get out of his funk and I can go to Jamaica.

Hilda– All right, well if you leave him back there… I didn’t see ya.

She points. restoring Mr. Kraft’s hearing.

Sabrina– Er Mr. Kraft. Er this grandfather clock will cheer you up.

She opens the front of the magical clock as Mr. Kraft comes over to have a closer look.

Mr. Kraft– Thank goodness I can hear again. There’s nothing worse than losing your…

She gives him a shove, sending him tumbling into the swirling vortex of space/time it contains.

Mr. Kraft– (Cont.) Heariiiiiiing!!!!

She jumps in after him.

Int. The Kraft house. Many years ago. So long ago that it pre-dates colour TV. Everything is in black and white except for two of the Christmas stockings that hang from the fireplace. A tiny Sabrina and Mr. Kraft look out from them at the festive scene.

Mr. Kraft– Do you see that sad, lost, lonely looking boy over there?

Sabrina– The one with the coal?

Mr. Kraft– I’m the even more pathetic kid next to him.

The boy with the piece of coal hands it to the young Mr. Kraft, who gives him a dollar in return and starts to cuddle and stroke the piece of coal.

Mr. Kraft– You thing this is bad? You should see me a few years from now at the orphanage.

Sabrina– Oh-no, not an orphanage.

Ext. The orphanage. A few years later. The kids are having a ball, a snow-ball fight, laughing and playing. Two children decorate a Christmas tree but don’t notice the two tiny figures who sit on top of a couple of baubles.

Sabrina– Mr. Kraft, which one are you?

He points at a kid standing at the orphanage gates looking in, longingly at the happy, playing children.

Mr. Kraft– That’s me, on the outside, as usual. I didn’t have it good like those orphans. Oh how I envied them.

Sabrina– Didn’t you have one happy Christmas in your whole life?

Another Christmas at the Kraft house. A man with a beer-gut stretching his vest walks up to young Mr. Kraft who is opening his present.

Mr. Kraft’s dad– Merry Christmas Willard.

Young Mr. Kraft– A sled? Oh boy! I wish I’d gotten this before I moved to Miami but I don’t care. This is great!

He runs outside to play with his new sled. There’s a scraping sound from outside. Mr. Kraft senior runs to the door.

Mr. Kraft’s dad– (Calling out) Willard! You’re scratching the pavement!

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock workshop. Mr. Kraft and Sabrina come out the ‘Lost in time’ clock.

Mr. Kraft– That was a good Christmas.

Sabrina glances down at her broach and sees the light is flashing.

Sabrina– Whoo-hoo! I’m going to Jamaica.

Mr. Kraft– (Pointing to the flashing broach) What’s that?

Sabrina– Er…

She flicks her finger at Mr. Kraft, striping him of his hearing again but immediately gives it back to him. She then moves her lips silently as though talking for a while and finishes with…

Sabrina– …and they lived happily ever after.

Mr. Kraft– Who did?

Sabrina– Oh Mr. Kraft, did you go deaf again?

Mr. Kraft– Yes.

Sabrina– You know, you had that glazed look on your face during my whole story. Like you were in some reflective, revealing day-dream.

Mr. Kraft– It’s the most powerful day-dream of my life. You know what Sabrina? I think I’ve figured out the secret to a happy Christmas.

Sabrina– Really? What is it?

Mr. Kraft– Low expectations. As long as you look at Christmas as just one other day in the long, endless drudgery that is life, then you wont be disappointed when joy doesn’t come.

Sabrina– Well… I’m glad I could cheer ya up. Merry Christmas.

Mr. Kraft– Yeah, Me-merry Christmas.

He leaves looking anything but merry. Sabrina watches him shuffle out of the workroom, looks down at her merrily flashing broach and is feeling very merry deficient herself.

Int. Hickory Dickory Clock. The long day is finally over and with a sigh Hilda puts the closed sign up on the door while Zelda check the till.

Zelda– Hilda, there doesn’t seem to be any money missing.

Hilda– Let’s check the security camera, just to be sure.

This time she does the pointing and they see the two elves once more at the cash register.

Pressburger– That Zelda woman was right, it was wrong for us to take their money.

Zelda– Oh those little dears, they put the money back. You see, I knew if I just lectured them it would do them some good.

Hilda– Wait! Do you see the lady who just came in the store? Is she shoplifting?

Un-noticed behind them, the workshop door opens and a large wooden wall clock walks out. As they pass beyond the edge of the counter it becomes clear that Pressburger is carrying it.

Zelda– No. No, I think she’s looking.

Hilda– Oh, well thank goodness for surveillance camera’s

Zelda– Yeah.

Ext. Hickory Dickory Clock. Powell and Pressburger come out of the shop with the clock.

Powell– They were on to us about the money but they’ll never miss a clock.

Pressburger– I love this time of year.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina sits on the settee finishing packing a present. The door bell rings.

Sabrina– (Calling out) Come in!

Harvey lets himself in and comes over to join her with a small present of his own.

Harvey– Hey, merry Christmas eve.

Sabrina– Oh back at ya.

He sits and kisses her.

Harvey– Here’s your present.

They exchange gifts. Sabrina can barely contain her excitement as she opens hers. When she sees it her jaw drops and her eyes widen.

Sabrina– Harvey! A diamond bracelet?!

Harvey– Actually it’s ‘I can’t believe it’s not diamonds’ Twice as shiny but at a fraction of the cost.

She puts the bracelet on.

Sabrina– Well I love it and it’ll look great with my ‘Almost onyx’ necklace you gave me.

Harvey opens his present as Hilda and Zelda come through from the kitchen and watch the young lovers.

Harvey– Tickets? Oh passes to the Freddy Krugger marathon at the Revival House. I wont sleep for a week, thanks.

They kiss again while the smiles of her aunts turn into confused frowns.

Sabrina– Well speaking of nightmares, do you wanna try the Christmas cookies I made?

Harvey– You bet, I coated my stomach before I came over.

They get up and head for the kitchen

Zelda– Movie tickets?

Hilda– Then who did she give the extra ticket to?

The door bell rings and Mr. Kraft enters looking happier than he ever has at Christmas. He’s wearing a fedora, an Hawaiian shirt, pink shorts with shoes and socks. A camera and binoculars are slung round his neck and he clutches a pair of maracas in his hands.

Hilda– Oh-no!

Mr. Kraft– Zelda Spellman, you foxy Santa Claus. A trip to Jamaica, I have never had such an incredible present!

Zelda– Well… You know what a scamp I am.

Hilda– Oh! Erm Excuse me. Erm Zellie, don’t we need to speak to Sabrina… alone?

Zelda– I’ll be right back.

Hilda bustles her sister off towards the kitchen.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda is pushed in by Hilda.

Hilda– Sabrina! Oh!

She points at Harvey who starts poking his finger in his ear with a frown.

Hilda– (Cont.) You gave Willard Kraft the extra ticket?!

Zelda– And credited it to me?

Sabrina– Look, Mr. Kraft is the bane of my existence but for some reason I feel he should have at least one happy Christmas. I don’t know what got into me?

Zelda– It’s called the Christmas spirit.

Hilda– It’s called insanity!

She points at Harvey again who stops banging his ears and goes back to dunking the snowman shaped cookies in his milk.

Harvey– Oh! I can hear again. I didn’t expect head-phone related hearing loss until my forties.

Zelda enfolds Sabrina and Hilda in her arms.

Zelda– Well I guess we’re Jamaica bound.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina stands at the window wrapped in a thick blanket, looking out at the thick blanket of snow outside. It’s getting thicker by the minute with all the white stuff that’s falling. She turns away frustrated.

Sabrina– Ugh! Whatever happened to the whole global warming thing?

Salem– Cheer up! I complained to the eighty-nine cents store and they sent me a bakers dozen of doughnuts. Thirteen crows a calling! Oh yeah.

He dives head first into the pile of doughnuts. One happy kitty as Zelda comes down stairs.

Zelda– It’s official, all airports closed.

Sabrina– <Sigh> Well at least we all get to stay here and have a white Christmas.

Zelda– That’s the spirit, and you know what? If we cant go to Jamaica, then…

She points and the room is transformed into an island paradise. A banquet of tropical fruit sits where the settee used to live. A beach bar replaces the piano with a furry, pointy eared, yellow eyed barman in a straw hat and a Rasta calypso band thump out that steel drum, toe-tapping sound.

Zelda– (Cont.) …We’ll bring Jamaica here.

Sabrina throws off her blanket and starts dancing with her aunt.

Salem– Ya mon!

Harvey comes in out of the snow and looks around in amazement.

Harvey– Wow! This is way better than a fruit-cake.

Sabrina– Harvey!

She throws her arms around him and hugs.

Harvey– Even though ten thousand people are without electricity, I’m happy you’re snowed in. I get to spend Christmas with you.

Sabrina– Ha-ha! Well let’s grab a refreshment and groove to da reggie mon.

Mr. Kraft enters holding his holiday clothes.

Mr. Kraft– Anybody want to buy a pair of slightly used Bermuda’s?

He looks around the room as Zelda hurries over to him.

Mr. Kraft– (Cont.) I really see this right? This is not another day dream?

Zelda– I’m sorry about the snow Monkey. I know how much you wanted to go to Jamaica.

Mr. Kraft– I do not care! I am not alone on Christmas! Let’s boogie!

More guests arrive from deep within the bowels of the house. Danny the partridge is trying to explain to one of the French hens.

Danny– It was a show, get over it. There was no real Rula Kincade!

Geese scurry around the floor as someone comes down the chimney. No it’s not Santa, just his little helpers Powell and Pressburger with the pilfered clock.

Zelda– Powell! Pressburger!

They hand her the clock.

Zelda– (Cont.) Oh what a lovely gesture but.. we actually have a lot o’ clocks.

Powell– Not as many as you think.

Pressburger– We stole this, but we’re sorry.

Zelda– Well the important thing is you righted a wrong.

Pressburger– And we heard you had jerked chicken!

Harvey– (To Sabrina) I don’t mean to pick on your elves, but aren’t you mixing themes?

She and Harvey dance back to back with Zelda and Mr. Kraft. Sabrina leans back to Zelda.

Sabrina– What a great Christmas, but it’s strange how it started snowing. Mother Nature said it was supossed to warm up.

Zelda– Well I… Wait a minute… Where’s Hilda?

Ext. Spellman front porch. Sabrina and Zelda come out to take a closer look at the snowman standing on the front lawn. They become suspicious when they hear…

Hilda, The Snowman– (Singing) Let it snow.
Let it snow.
Let it snow!

Sabrina– Aunt Hilda?

Hilda, The Snowman– Yes, I admit it. I’m selfish, but there was no way I was going to Jamaica with Willard Kraft. (Singing) Let it snow.
Let it snow.
Let it snow.

Run credits as the calypso part goes on.

Everyone– (Waving) Happy holidays everybody!

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One Response to “Sabrina, Nipping At Your Nose”

  1. Sabrina, The Teenage Witch Transcripts « The Sabrina Transcripts Says:

    […] Not So Gracefully Love Means Having To Say You’re Sorry Ice Station Sabrina Salem And Juliette Sabrina, Nipping At Your Nose Now You See Her, Now You Don’t Super Hero Welcome Back, Duke Salem’s Daughter Love In […]

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