Sabrina Claus

Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Sabrina Claus

Written By – Charlie Tercek
Transcribed By – Paul Booth


Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Johnny Mathis – Johnny Mathis
Bob – John Ratzenberger
Dr. Bull – Jane Carr
Ted – Steven Shenbaum
Fritz – Cork Hubbert
Mr. Glass – Kim Delgado
Russell – Richard Taylor Olson
Russian Peasant – Sergey Brusilovsky
Inner Child – Emily Malinowski

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network. The characters are based on the original characters appearing in Archie Comics.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina is lay on the settee writing, Salem sits in his favourite spot on the cupboard behind. Hilda and Zelda are arranging flowers around the room.

Hilda– I love this time of year. Christmas carols, sleigh rides, gigantic electric bills.

Zelda– Sabrina, do you want to give us a hand?

Sabrina– In a second, I’m revising my Christmas wish list. This year I’m hoping for a computer, a mountain bike, oh and this great ski jacket I saw at the mall.

Salem– You’re not exactly the little match girl are ya?

Zelda– Those sound pretty expensive Sabrina.

Sabrina– I know, that’s why I’ve prepared a list of back up gift ideas in a variety of price ranges.

She opens out the list and it stretches to the floor and then some and gives it to Zelda.

Sabrina– (Cont.) Gotta go.

She grabs her bag but stops before reaching the door.

Sabrina– (Cont.) Oh and you’ll note on the bottom I’ve listed the times I won’t be around so you can wrap my presents.

She leaves.

Hilda– (To Zelda) Don’t worry. I went through that ‘gimme’ phase, it’ll pass.

They get back to arrange the Christmas decorations. Zelda arranges the nativity models.

Zelda– You’re right.

Hilda– Hey! Gimme that wise man.

Zelda– Well I guess we’re almost finished decorating except for the tree.

Hilda points at a spot by the French windows and a huge burst of smoke fills the room. When it clears there’s a beautifully decorated Christmas tree standing there.

Zelda– (Cont.) You know, it’s lovely but Christmas is a mortal holiday. Shouldn’t we do the tree the mortal way?

Hilda– Okay, I’ll conjure up a plastic one.

Zelda– No, I meant shouldn’t we go and buy a tree and decorate it by hand?

Hilda– All right.

Zelda points at the tree and with just a shimmer of sparkles it vanishes. The sister’s head for the door but Zelda comes to a stop.

Zelda– Where do they sell trees?

Hilda– The forest?

Run opening credits.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Harvey and Sabrina walk towards the lockers.

Sabrina– So I can’t decide whether I shoot for ‘A’ The computer and the mountain bike. ‘B’ The computer and the ski jacket or ‘C’ All of the above.

Harvey– Boy, I’d hate to be there if you got a savings bond.

Sabrina– Hey do you want to go to the mall with me this afternoon and do some important Christmas present research?

Harvey– Can’t, I gotta work. Got a job at Hillman’s as a Santa Claus.

Sabrina– Is that just for the holiday season?

Harvey– It’s an okay job but what really bothers me is when the little kids go home thinking they’re going to get everything they asked for. A lot of them are going to be awfully disappointed.

Sabrina– Awe poor kids. So should I ask for a helmet with the mountain bike or do you think that’s just implied?

Int. History class.

Mr. Glass– So the American army was defeated at Brandywine and…

Sabrina’s not listening. She has other things on her mind.

Sabrina– (Thinking) Should I get the mountain bike or the jacket? Definitely the mountain bike.

The teachers voice breaks through her thoughts.

Mr. Glass– …George Washington relocated to Valley Forge…

Sabrina– (Thinking) Mountain bike? George Washington?

Her thoughts drift to day-dreams as she sees George Washington ride into the class room on a mountain bike and start doing tricks on it. He bounces it on the front wheel. Sabrina smiles at the mental image.

George Washington– Sabrina? Sabrina?

Her smile broadens.

Mr. Glass– (Insistent) Sabrina!

She snaps out of it to see the teacher stood over her.

Mr. Glass– (Cont.) We’re talking about a very bloody war, why are you smiling?

Sabrina– Because… I’ve been de-sensitised by popular culture?

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda have managed to purchase a tree and are attempting to fit a plastic base to it with limited success. Hilda holds the tree up while Zelda tries to force the base on the end.

Salem– Oh I see. First you kill the tree and then you humiliate it.

Zelda– Doing mortal things the mortal way just feels right.

Hilda– My thumbs are numb.

Zelda– You know I was thinking, when we’ve finished with the tree then we can roast some chestnuts the mortal way.

Hilda– Oh good grief, what’s next? Driving to the store?

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina meets Harvey as he comes from the counter.

Sabrina– Hey, what’d ya get?

Harvey– Let’s see? Meat glop, fruit glop, vegetable glop and… glop glop.

Sabrina– Yum, save me a seat?

Harvey– Always.

Harvey goes to grab a table while Sabrina heads for the counter but she stops before she gets there.

Sabrina– (To herself) Now what sounds edible? A baked potato.

She points at her tray.

Int. Russian peasants hovel. Siberia. The Russian peasant is just settling down to his baked potato supper when it vanishes from his plate. He stares at his empty plate, looks underneath it.

Russian peasant– Hey! I waited in line four days for that.

Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. A baked Potato appears on Sabrina’s plate.

Sabrina– Excellent.

She goes and sits with Harvey whose playing with his glop.

Harvey– Where’d you get that?

Sabrina– Erm I ordered the kosher meal, wanna bite?

Harvey– Ew no thanks, it smells like vodka.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda are still struggling with the Christmas tree. They are trying to trim the end with a two-handed saw.

Zelda– Ahh! For the last time, when I push, you pull. Got it?

Hilda– Could you be a little less technical?

Salem– Keep trimming that tree and you’ll be able to use it in your car as an air freshened.

Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Libby comes up to Harvey at his locker.

Libby– Hi Harvey.

Harvey– Hey Libby, got any plans for the holidays?

Libby– Like it matters? I hate Christmas.

Harvey– What’s your take on Quansa?

Libby doesn’t spot Sabrina at her locker behind her. Sabrina overhears.

Libby– I usually like all the presents but this year I have to be around my bratty step brother, Russell.

Harvey– Really, your family has a brat in it?

Libby– Colours with my lip-stick, drips chocolate on my stuff and he can cry on que.

She finally spots Sabrina

Libby– (Cont.) What’s your problem freak? Hoping Santa will give you a personality this year?

Libby walks off.

Sabrina– (Calling after) And a crossbow.

Int. Spellman living room. The battle with the Christmas tree continues. Salem is lending his support.

Salem– (Into a megaphone) Push! Push! Push! Push! I knew those LaManns classes would pay off.

With his encouragement Zelda and Hilda managed to get the tree upright… ish.

Zelda– There!

Hilda– We have the makings of a beautiful fire hazard.

Zelda– (To Salem) What d’ya think?

Salem– That’s what a mortal tree looks like?

Zelda nods proudly.

Salem– (Cont.) No wonder they drink during the holidays.

Int. Spellman kitchen. That evening. Sabrina and Hilda are sat down to dinner. Salem is reading the paper on the counter.

Sabrina– I’m going to conjure more asparagus, want some?

Hilda– No thanks, you put too much ketchup on yours.

Hilda is just taking a bite of an asparagus tip when Sabrina casts her spell. It disappears from her fork and reappears on Sabrina’s plate.

Sabrina– Hey! Somebody took a bite out of it.

Hilda– I did. You didn’t conjure your own asparagus, you took mine!

Sabrina– (Looking at her finger) D’you think there’s something wrong with my magic?

Hilda– Conjure something else and we’ll see.

Salem– I could use some protein, how about a wharf rat?

Hilda– How about a blouse.

Sabrina points and a green silk blouse appears on the table neatly folded.

Sabrina– There, I’m fine, and I have good taste.

Zelda enters from the living room.

Hilda– Zelda! How was the lecture?

Zelda– For a six-part dissertation on the reproductive cycle of garden snails it was awfully dry.

She takes of her coat and hangs it up.

Zelda– (Cont.) It’s really getting cold outside.

Salem– Here’s a tip, try wearing clothes.

Zelda looks down at herself and finds she half naked from the waist up.

Zelda– Hey! What happened to my blouse? It was my favourite…

Sabrina– (Interrupting) Green silk one?

Zelda– Sabrina, how many times do I have to tell you to ask before you borrow my clothes, especially when I’m already wearing them.

Sabrina– There’s something wrong with me aunt Zelda. I mean I tried to conjure asparagus, I got aunt Hilda’s, I tried to conjure a blouse, I got yours.

Salem– Whatever you do, don’t conjure anything fur.

Hilda– What do you think it is, Zeldy?

Zelda– Well from what I know the problem may be psychological.

Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda opens the linen closet door.

Zelda– Now there’s nothing to be afraid of, Dr. Bull is one of the most highly regarded witch psychiatrists around.

Hilda– She’s got two doctorates from Other Realm Universities and one from Utah State.

Sabrina– Then tell me again why I had to sign that lobotomy release form?

Int. Dr. Bull’s office. Sabrina is lay on the couch while the doctor makes notes in her chair.

Sabrina– And that about wraps it up. Can I go now?

Dr. Bull– Conjures things from others, narcissism. Based on these symptoms one would conclude that you’re suffering from egotitis.

Sabrina– Me? I’m not the one with the wall full of diplomas.

Dr. Bull– (Making a note) Attacks when provoked. It’s a text-book case, you’re behaving like a little girl.

Sabrina stands up and stamps her foot.

Sabrina– Am not!

Dr. Bull– What say we have a chat with your inner child?

Dr. Bull casts a spell and a six year old blond haired copy of Sabrina is sucked from the seventeen year old version.

Sabrina– Hey, I recognise you. You’re the one whose always encouraging me to run with scissors.

The inner child nods yes.

Dr. Bull– Tell me inner child, what do you like most about Christmas?

Inner Child– All the pwethenth.

Dr. Bull– Do you enjoy being with other people at Christmas?

Inner Child– If they bwing me pwethenth

Dr. Bull– (Patting the inner child on the head) Thank you, that will be all.

She casts another spell and the inner child is absorbed back into Sabrina.

Inner Child– (OS) Where’s my pwethenth?

Sabrina– Sorry, I didn’t know my inner child would be so childish.

Dr. Bull– (Wiping her hand) Or sticky. I see what’s happening here, you’re trying to recapture the excitement of Christmas you felt as a child. So you’re acting like a child, or medically speaking, a spoiled brat.

Sabrina– So, do I need a shot or can I get away with an inhaler?

Dr. Bull– No, it’s not that easy. The cure for this malady must come from within. You’ve got to rediscover the magic of Christmas and when you do, you’re egotitis will go away.

Sabrina– Is that it?

Dr. Bull– Except for this.

She hands Sabrina a bill

Dr. Bull– (Cont.) A hundred and twenty dollars please.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina hangs a Christmas wreath on the front door and closes it. Zelda comes down the stairs.

Zelda– Feeling a little more in the spirit, dear?

Sabrina– I’m trying but I just don’t feel very Christmasy.

Hilda– Maybe some music would help, put on a Johnny Mathis Christmas album.

Sabrina– What ever, I’ll try anything.

She conjures Johnny Mathis’ ‘A Christmas Collection’ CD.

Int. Johnny Mathis’s living room. Johnny is searching through his CD collection.

Johnny Mathis– I swear my Christmas album was here a minute ago! Come on John, get a hold of yourself.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina puts the CD in the player.

CD player– (Singing) Oh holy night,
the stars are brightly shining.

Zelda– Isn’t he the dreamiest.

Hilda– (Holding the CD case) And his voice is good too. Wait a second (Reading) ‘The property of J. Mathis’ Sabrina you didn’t conjure a CD, you just took one from Johnny Mathis.

CD player– (Singing) It is the night of our dear saviours birth.

Sabrina– Oh man, don’t tell me my egotitis still hasn’t gone away. Hey maybe if I open some presents I’ll feel better.

She heads towards the pile of presents under the leaning Christmas tree. They all promptly vanish.

Sabrina– Oh-no! I shook that one last night, it was good.

Zelda– Sabrina, when you have egotitis you can’t get any presents.

Hilda– Receiving gifts only makes it worse.

Sabrina– This better be gone by my birthday. What’s the point of Christmas without presents?

Hilda– Have you ever noticed that building with the steeple and the bells?

Sabrina– So there’s gotta be something you guys can do.

Zelda– Well there is someone who could help.

Sabrina– And we didn’t call them before because…?

Hilda– He’s a very big hu-ha in the Other Realm.

Sabrina– Who is he?

Zelda– Bob.

Sabrina– So apparently his parents didn’t know he was going to be important when they named him.

Zelda– (To Hilda) Let’s summon him with the Bob song.

Zelda– (Getting a note) Mmmmm!

Zelda and Hilda– (Together) Bob, Bob, Bob, BOB!

Sabrina– How do you remember the lyrics?

A none discript middle aged man in a plaid shirt with a mustache digging wax from his ear with his little finger appears in the room.

Bob– Hey, what’s up?

Zelda– Oh hello Bob. We have a problem, our niece Sabrina has a case of egotitis.

Bob– Yeah, that’s not your only problem.

Hilda– It isn’t?

Bob– Nah, you’ve got one sorry looking Christmas tree.

Sabrina– It looked better with presents.

Bob– (To Zelda) Oh trying to recapture the spirit of Christmas huh?

Zelda– Hmm, can you help?

Bob– Ah I’ll give it a shot. I know! (To Sabrina) Say, why don’t you and I take a little trip to Christmas past? No, it’s been done.

Hilda– Trust me, the trip to the graveyard is quite depressing.

Bob– Why don’t you and I try to go and recapture your childhood Christmas memories.

He gets up to go.

Bob– (Cont.) And maybe have a look at the new Chryslers.

Sabrina gets up to follow.

Sabrina– (To her aunts) You have met this guy before, right?

Johnny Mathis sings ‘Winter wonderland’ over the following.

Ext. Westbridge Main St. Sabrina and Bob walk along the snow covered street where a Santa rings his bell collecting for charity. Sabrina takes a five dollar note to put in his pot but she’s having trouble letting go of it. Bob gives her a helping hand.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina is baking. She puts the tray of brownies in the oven and High five’s Bob happily.

Int. Spellman Kitchen Later. A little too much later as Sabrina takes the tray of charcoal cinders from the oven and tips them onto a pile of matching cinders on the counter.

Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Bob and Sabrina sit listening to Johnny Mathis singing ‘Winter Wonderland’. Johnny’s actually there with them in the room. Sabrina gets up, takes a tray of charcoal cinders from her desk and hands them to Johnny. Sabrina and Bob leave, Johnny shrugs and carries on singing.

Ext. Westbridge Main St. The sign says ‘ This LINE to VISIT SANTA CLAUS’ The people are queuing down the street. Sabrina and Bob stroll along. Libby’s touching up her lip-stick, her step brother Russell is beside her and a mischievous grin spreads across his face before he fakes being hit in the arm

Russell– AW! Why’d you hit me?

Libby– What?

The other families in the queue start having a go at Libby.

Father– What d’you hit him for.

Libby– Oh Russell, I-I didn’t.

Father– What are you doin’?

Russell smiles at the trouble he’s caused, Sabrina smiles too.

Ext. Spellman house front drive. The song fades away and we see Sabrina and Bob building a snowman. An old gent walks past with a walking stick.

Old Gent– Merry Christmas.

Bob puts the snowman’s head on.

Sabrina– Cold, fun, snow, Libby in trouble. Bob, I’m beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

Bob– (Standing up) Well, see? I told you it was only a matter of Arghh!!

Bob slips and falls hard. Sabrina jumps up and rushes over to him.

Sabrina– Oh-no, are you okay?

Bob– Oh-no, I slipped on some ice and I don’t remember my ankle being the size of a grapefruit.

Sabrina– Don’t worry, I’ll get you a cane.

She points and a walking stick appears stuck in the snow beside Bob.

Bob– Oh thanks.

He uses the cane to pull himself up.

Old Gent– (OS) My cane! What happened to my cane?

Sabrina– Oh just my luck. Don’t tell me I still have egotitis?

Bob– Let’s see? I’m hurt, Grandpa’s down, you’re still worried about getting presents. Oh smart money would be on ‘yes’

Int. Spellman living room. Zelda has just placed the star on the top of the Christmas tree.

Zelda– Voala!

Hilda– Y’know I’ve got to admit it, I’m really proud of us.

Zelda– We did it all by ourselves, just like a mortal family.

They look at the tree.

Zelda– (Cont.) Do you want to zap it or should I?

Hilda– I will.

She zaps the tree and they end up with the same beautiful tree they started with way back in scene one.

Salem– A little gaudy don’t ya think?

The aunts glare at Salem.

Sabrina– (OS) Help! Hurt Bob in the kitchen.

Hilda and Zelda run to the Kitchen.

Int. Spellman living room. Later. Bob has just been settled onto the settee. His sore ankle propped on a cushion on the coffee table.

Sabrina– You take it easy, we’ll get you an ice-pack.

Hilda– Everything is going to be fine.

Zelda– Absolutely.

All three of them exit to the kitchen.

Int. Spellman Kitchen. The three witches enter.

Hilda– (To Sabrina) Do you realise what you’ve done?

Sabrina– What, Bob’s going to sue?

Zelda– No, he’s Santa Claus!

Sabrina– What?!

Hilda– That’s right, you’ve just maimed Father Christmas.

Sabrina– So, I guess I’m not the only one not getting presents this year.

Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina sits on the arm of the chair as Hilda and Zelda fuss over Bob. Salem watches on.

Sabrina– So if you’re Santa how come you’re not chubby?

Bob– Oh a combination of cardio-vascular exercise and a little weight training… or it could be that tape-worm. Anyway I’ve got a lot of deliveries to make.

He tries to stand.

Bob– Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh!

Zelda– You’re not going anywhere.

Sabrina– Isn’t there someone who could fill in for you like a temp service or a cousin?

Bob– Well there’s always Mrs. Clause but I can’t call her, she works for UPS. This time of year they’re real crazy.

Zelda– Well Hilda and I can’t help, we have to stay here and take care of you.

Sabrina– There must be somebody.

Three pairs of eyes turn to Sabrina.

Sabrina– Me! But Bob and I were this close to curing my egotitis. A few more hours, I’ll be back to normal.

They all remain looking at her.

Sabrina– (Cont.) Couldn’t we just order everyone something from a catalogue?

Int. Spellman living room. Later. Sabrina’s putting on her jacket.

Sabrina– Okay, I’ve got it. Head due North and look for reindeer.

Bob. Yeah but don’t take the first Santa’s workshop exit, take the second.

Sabrina exits via the front door.

Salem– Okay, this is a girl who has trouble getting to school on time and she’s supposed to deliver millions of presents by tomorrow morning. Am I the only one who sees a problem?

Zelda– You know Salem, that’s an excellent point.

Three pairs of eyes turn to Salem.

Int. Santa’s workshop. The elves are hard at work. It’s their busy time. Sabrina enters with Salem in her arms.

Salem– (Mimicing Zelda) That’s an excellent point. That’s an excellent point. That is the last time I point out a flaw in someone’s logic.

One of the elves spots the strangers in their midst. It’s a little round one.

Fritz– Mayday! Mayday! intruder on the premises.

All the elves come running over. They’re not small, they’re pretty much normal height which means they’re taller than Sabrina. The head elf pushes to the front.

Ted– Who are you?

Sabrina– Sabrina. Don’t panic, Santa’s had a little accident.

The elves panic

Sabrina– No! No! It’s okay! Erm, I’m going to fill in for him.

The elves Panic some more.

Sabrina– No, I promise it’ll be fine. Who are you?

Ted– We’re Santa’s elves.

Sabrina– Well I thought Santa’s elves were supposed to be small.

Ted– Oh you’re probably thinking of Fritz. Whenever someone whips out a camera guess who always happens to be next to Santa.

Ted looks pointedly at the archetypal elf. Short, round, pointy ears and a bushy beard. Sabrina and Ted walk over to him and see he’s chiselling at a piece of wood.

Sabrina– What are you building?

Fritz– A CD player.

Sabrina– Seriously?

Fritz picks up the item he’s working on, blows off the excess saw dust and shows her the state of the art Walkman CD player.

Sabrina– Man! You guys are good.

Ted– Ya! Perhaps you didn’t now this but we’re on a deadline, how about wrapping?

Sabrina goes off with him to pitch in and help.

Salem– (To Fritz) How about a palm-size digital camera? Not for me but a friend who’s fallen on hard times, we’ll call him Salem.

Int. Spellman living room. Hilda plumps Bob’s cushion while Zelda puts a tray of hot soup on his lap.

Bob– Oh Boy.

Hilda– Is there anything else we can get you Bob?

Bob– I don’t want to be an imposition, please.

Zelda– Oh Bob, you could never be an imposition.

Bob– Oh well, If you insist. How about a couple of cheese burgers, a chocolate malted and some chips? Hey, any of you gals up for a game of mouse trap?

Int. Santa’s workshop. Salem is watching a master of origami at work. Namely Ted.

Salem– What’s that going to be?

Ted– A Ferrari if someone will stop breathing down my neck.

Salem– I will if I can have a pipe-cleaner.

Fritz comes running in panicking.

Fritz– Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

Sabrina– Fritz is wound up a little tight isn’t he.

Fritz– The naughty-nice list is missing.

Ted– Okay, it’s almost midnight, the list is missing and I keep running into Fritz underneath the mistletoe.

Sabrina– Calm down! Okay, everyone retrace your steps.

Ted– I believe that would put me back underneath the mistletoe.

Fritz– (Running in) Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

Sabrina– That guys beginning to get on my nerves.

Fritz– (Cont.) I’ve found the list. the reindeer ate it, the reindeer ate it.

Ted– (To Sabrina) What are you going to do?

Sabrina– Me?

Ted– You’re in charge.

Salem– Do you know how many palms I had to grease to get on that nice list?

Sabrina– And nobody made a copy?

Ted– Oh Yeah, there is a copy of the list on that thing.

He points to a lap-top computer on the desk.

Ted– (Cont.) but none of us knows how to use it.

Sabrina– Oh I bet I can. Y’know it only takes a minute to learn how to use these things.

Ted– Yeah, Santa won’t let us touch it. Not since somebody got addicted to solitaire.

He looks pointedly at Fritz who looks sheepish.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda runs in from the living room as Hilda’s putting on her coat.

Zelda– Hilda wait! I’ve got a few more things for you to pick up. Two gallons of ice-cream, four lemon meringue pies, a box of frozen onion-rings and a case of Birch beer.

Hilda– Nobody makes a list like Santa.

Int. Santa’s workshop. The activity is frantic as Christmas inches nearer. Sabrina’s pulling on her jacket, It matches the red Santa hat she’s wearing.

Sabrina– Let’s go! Let’s go! It’s almost Christmas in Tokyo.

Ted– Okay! Okay, here’s your itinerary. We had triple ‘A’ make you a trip text.

Fritz– Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

Sabrina– I swear, one of these days!

Ted– He does have a tendency to over-react.

Fritz– The reindeer are sick, the reindeer are sick.

Ted– This time he may have a point.

Fritz– It must have been the list they ate, what are we going to do?

Salem– (Wearing a fur coat… erm an additional fur coat that is) D’ya think Zelda will let us borrow the station wagon?

Sabrina– There’s no time for that, these children need presents.

She cast a spell and her trusty vacuum cleaner appears with a wicker basket on the front. Salem is sat in it with a pair of fake antlers on his head and an illuminated, flashing red nose.

Salem– Okay, we’ve all had our little laugh. Now take the nose off.

Sabrina mounts her vacuum with the sack of toys over her shoulder and removes Salem’s nose.

Sabrina– (To Salem) Ready to rock?

Salem– Is there still something on my head?

Fritz– Good luck.

Ted– Gods speed.

Sabrina and Salem take off, the elves stand waving.

Ted– They’re never going to make it.

Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda enters from the dinning room. Zelda’s washing up at the sink.

Hilda– You-Know-Who is ready for his pedicure. Your turn.

Bob– (OS) Zelda! I’d like the black-cherry nail-polish.

Zelda– It is not my turn, I clipped his ear-hair.

Hilda– I clipped his ear-hair! How fast does that stuff grow?

Ext. Eastern Seaboard. A vacuum cleaner flies through the night. A young girl and a cat ride on it.

Sabrina– Well that does it for the baltic states, do you want another perogy?

Salem– No thanks I’ve already had moussaka, baklava and pad thai. What was I thinking?

Sabrina– Buck up, I see down town Westbridge ahead. Hey, there’s Libby’s house.

Salem– Great, I can yak in her stocking.

Sabrina– No, I got her the perfect present. Merry Christmas Libby.

Sabrina points.

Int. Libby’s house. Libby’s sat looking through a catalogue beside the Christmas tree. Russell comes up.

Libby– (Looking up) What?

Russell– (Holding out a present) Here Libby, merry Christmas.

Libby takes the gift. It’s a small box with Libby written across the top in sequinned letters.

Libby– Oh Russell, it’s a little jewellery box.

Russell– I made it myself.

Libby– Hey, do you want to split the roof of my ginger-bread house?

They both smile.

Ext. The sky’s above Westbridge.

Salem– So you gave her love for her step brother?

Sabrina– It seemed like the right thing to do.

Salem– I would have given her the lump of coal but then I’m not the one wearing the red hat.

Int. Spellman living room. Bob is still stretched out on the settee with his foot up. He’s looking a little fuller round the middle and a beard is growing in. He players air ukulele to accompany Hilda and Zelda on the real things.

Zelda– (Singing) She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes.

Hilda– (Singing) When she comes.

Zelda– (Singing) She’ll be coming round the mountain,
she’ll be coming round the mountain,
she’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes.

Zelda and Hilda– (Together) Yee-haa!

Bob– (Applauding) Encore! Encore! Oh but wait, how about some more food first? Perhaps a bit more Coq-au-vin?

Hilda– Bob, don’t you think you should maybe be watching the calories?

Bob– Nah, that’s just water-weight.

Ext. The night sky’s above Westbridge.

Salem– Band aids, cotton balls, aspirin. What good is a first-aid kit without a stomach pump?

Sabrina– Look, Harvey’s house.

Salem– I can’t look down. What did you get him for Christmas?

Sabrina– A little miracle. Merry Christmas Harvey.

She points and the gift is given. Sabrina and Salem fly on into the night circling the globe bringing joy and glad tidings to all.

Int. Spellman living room. Christmas morning. Bob is asleep under the blanket on the settee. Hilda and Zelda come down stairs in their dressing gowns.

Hilda– I couldn’t sleep at all last night, I kept thinking about that line ‘He sees you when you’re sleeping’

Sabrina enters through the front door looking very happy, she has Salem in her arms.

Sabrina– Merry Christmas!

Salem– (Jumping down and heading for the kitchen) Must-eat-grass. <sob>

Zelda– Merry Christmas, how was it?

Sabrina– You’re looking at a changed woman, I don’t even care if I get any presents today.

The second she says the words all the presents return under the Christmas tree.

Zelda– Look! Your egotitis is gone.

Sabrina picks up one of the presents.

Sabrina– I bet there’s someone who can use this more than me.

She points at the present and it vanishes.

Int. Russian peasants hovel. The Russian peasant is sat before his Christmas spread, a glass of water with just a smidgen of vodka. On the table before him a package appears with a big ribbon bow on it. He opens it amazed.

Russian peasant– The Gap?

Int. Spellman Living room. Bob has awoken.

Bob– Congratulations Sabrina. You’ve discovered how to recreate the childhood magic of Christmas by making Christmas magic for others.

He throws back the blanket to reveal himself in his full glory. Chubby, large white beard, Red suite with white fur trim. broad leather belt and boots. Santa Clause is sat on the settee.

Sabrina– Hey I could have used that suite, it was freezing out there.

Bob– (Laughing) Well now that you’re cured, I can go home.

Zelda– But your ankle, doesn’t it hurt?

Bob– Nah, I was faking the whole thing.

Zelda looks at Hilda gobsmacked. Hilda glares at Bob.

Hilda– You were?

Bob– Yah.

Sabrina– To teach me a lesson right?

Bob– Well there’s that, plus I could use a break from er. Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

The sound of sleigh-bells can be heard from above.

Bob– (Cont.) Well there’s my ride. (To Hilda and Zelda) Listen, next year how about I have a little Monty-Christo sandwich waiting for me by the chimney.

Hilda– Yeah Bob. Considering…

Bob– (Interrupting) Oh, I almost forgot.

He tugs on his beard and a small package appears on the coffee table.

Zelda– For us?

She opens it and Hilda lifts one of the items in it while Bob laughs to himself self consciously. It’s a CD.

Hilda– (Reading) Mozart, live at Emperor Joseph’s court! Wow!

Bob– I recorded it myself, Wolfie was really hot that night.

Zelda opens the other item from the box. It’s a card.

Zelda– (Reading) ‘An invitation to a meeting of the minds at Stephen Hawking’s’

She hugs the card to her breast, her eyes gleam.

Zelda– (Cont.) Oh my goodness, I’ve dreamed about this!

Bob– That’s why no one ever stays mad at Santa.

He taps the side of his nose and turns into a million points of light that fly off up the chimney.

Int. Spellman living room later. Hilda and Zelda are sat on the settee. Sabrina is sat curled up in the arm chair sucking on a candy-cane. Salem sits on the arm of the chair.

Salem– …So the next time you’re abroad remember my simple rule. Kielbasa and sauerkraut, yes. Kielbasa and menudo and haggis, no.

All of them make yuck faces as the doorbell rings, Sabrina jumps up.

Sabrina– I’ll get it.

It’s Harvey and he lets himself in as Sabrina reaches the door.

Harvey– (Calls to all) Merry Christmas.

Sabrina– Harvey!

Harvey– (To Sabrina) I got your present.

He hands her a small box. She opens it.

Sabrina– Oh a mouse, in grey that goes with everything.

Harvey– I was planning to get you the whole computer but then they took all those taxes out of my pay-cheque.

Sabrina– Well it was a wonderful thought. So was it fun playing Santa?

Harvey– Well it’s hard work.

Sabrina– Don’t I know it.

Harvey– Oh, you’ll never believe this. I got a call from the department store, apparently all the kids who came to see me got exactly what they asked for. It’s like a miracle.

Sabrina– You’re welcome… I mean, oh look!

She points at the light fitting above and by the time Harvey looks.

Sabrina– (Cont.) Mistletoe!

Sabrina and Harvey– (To each other) Merry Christmas.

They lean in for a kiss.

Int. Spellman living room Later. Harvey’s gone and the Spellman family are opening presents. Salem has just shredded the wrapping of his.

Salem– Oh boy! ‘The buttoned down mind of Bob Newhart’ How’d you know my other album got all scratched?

Hilda– (Handing Zelda her present) This is for you Zeldy, I made it the mortal way.

Zelda opens it and finds a quilt-work blanket.

Zelda– Really?

Hilda– No. What d’ya get me?

Zelda– Something you’ll really like.

She works a little magic and a man appears beside the settee.

Roll credits.

Hilda– Johnny Mathis? Cool! Oh this is the best Christmas ever.

Johnny Mathis– (Singing) Oh holy night, the stars are brightly shining.
It is the night of our dear saviours birth.

Sabrina– Great! I didn’t get anything for Johnny.


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